"Brave Enough to Heal" - When Men Get Real About Their Trauma w/ Rudy Soto

A Call for All Men to Find and Experience Inner Healing:
In this emotional and deeply moving episode, Rudy Soto shares his incredible journey from experiencing spiritual attacks, witnessing tragic events, and grappling with loneliness and broken relationships. He shares his harrowing journey from a life of substance abuse, criminal activities, and dealing with personal demons.  To finding redemption and renewing his faith, finding God's presence and healing at New Life Community Church. Rudy recounts pivotal moments such as narrowly missing a deadly club stampede, experiencing a transformative vision, and meeting his wife. He also opens up about his struggles with identity, family conflicts, and emotional detachment, and how professional counseling and deep faith played vital roles in his healing process. This story serves as an inspiring testament to the power of vulnerability, resilience, and divine intervention.

Transcript

0:15

From the city of Chicago, a city most recently known for its crime and violence. On this podcast, we will be sharing stories of redemption from individuals raised in the tough streets of Chicago and from around the country. Some of them were gang members, drug dealers, incarcerated victims, and perpetrators of violence. Listen to my guests as they share their experiences, struggles, trauma, but also the strength, hope, faith and perseverance, these have developed in them to keep pushing and moving forward in life. Tune in to hear how their lives have gone from darkness to light and from wrong to strong.

Omar: 1:00

Hello everyone. Welcome to another episode of wrong to strong Chicago. I'm your host. My name is Omar Calvillo. And tonight I have my brother, Rudy Soto. Uh, I met this brother back in 2014 when I, when I first visited a new life. community church. it was, uh, Garfield Ridge. They were meeting out in, uh, Kennedy High School. Uh, so when I went there, he was one of the first brothers that I met there. Um, Rudy, man, basically the sound tech setting up cables, everything, everything on stage. So they had a, like a, a team of brothers, you know, that, and sisters that were setting up, you know, for, for the church service there at Kennedy High School. Uh, so I met him there, I got plugged in and man, it's been for me 10 years that I've been in New Life. But uh, welcome to the podcast, Rudy. Thank you for having me, man. Appreciate it. For sure, man. You know, uh, um, like, and then back then, you know, like when I connected with you, obviously Pastor Juan and everybody else that was there. Yeah. You know, that was the, the beginning of, of where I'm at now, you know, so you definitely play, played a part in that. You know,

Rudy: 2:03

we got the kids part of road crew Oh yeah.

Omar: 2:07

you know, we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll get into that, but I'm sure that's part of you, but part of the testimony there. Amen. Amen. Of, uh, of, of launching, you guys launching for. Um, new life, uh, midway, you know, going, uh, to, to Kennedy high school, man, doing the Lord's work. And man, there's been a, a lot of fruit that came out of that. Yeah. So. So we could definitely get into that in a little bit, man, but, uh, definitely, man, definitely, but I don't know. Welcome and a man. Usually we start at the beginning. So, uh, can you tell us, you know, what, what, what part of the city? I believe you grew up in Chicago your whole life, born and raised, born and raised in Chicago. There you go. There you go. All right. All right. You want to tell us? Because there's some people that listen to this podcast. Don't maybe didn't didn't grow up in Chicago. You know, could you describe Pilsen? You know, like for somebody who's never been there, you know, especially in those early years for you. Yeah, well, originally I grew up in 26th

Rudy: 2:53

Street. Okay, that's that's uh, how many years did you stay out there? And um, I think I was in 26th Street probably about five, six years. Okay. Yeah. Do you have any memories of out there? Like, oh, yeah, yeah. You know, we used to live actually on, I want to say 21st and Albany. Okay. So there was a big old folks home there and, uh, a retirement facility and, you know, we just to run around and, you know, but my parents, they always had businesses. They were, you know, entrepreneurs. And so they were selling the flea market and then they worked their other job. So they always had us working. You know, whether it was like, you know, uh, packing bags of groceries or like tomatoes, pinto beans, different things that they would sell either at the flea market or they would call it Jew town back then. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Back then, yeah. And you would tell people, what was that, uh, was that a Halsted or what was right off of Halsted and like 14th street, uh, it's all now University Village. Uh, but back then that was all open land and, and every Sunday, and you know, religiously it would get full. You know, uh, different people were selling everything from like vegetables to porn videos. You know, and, and, and so, uh, you can get everything there and it would get packed. And even on days it was like below zero. No. Yeah. Yeah. And you just put a, you know, a can with, you know, You know, wood and boxes and Yeah. You were selling. Yeah. You know, I remember, uh, boxes gold. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Gold everyth jewelry. Yeah, yeah. Everything, man. Everything. They had big, you know, trucks parked, they would, uh, sell like, uh, vinyl and they would play like, uh, like r and b music or, you know, like in music and stuff like that. So it was, it was.

Omar: 4:45

Man, that, that, that was in those years when you were still, okay? Yeah, yeah. And, um, I know you mentioned they put you to work, you remember even working at that early age? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah?

Rudy: 4:53

Oh, yeah. Since I was small. My, my, you know, I, I, I think my parents grew up that way. Yeah. And, you know, they had a really hard life in Mexico, you know, they, uh, they actually had a, uh, a, a, a child, you know, that, that passed away because of starvation. Oh, no way. Yeah. Yeah. So, uh, to them, they worked. Like, that was their way of, like. You know, giving us life, you know, so it was really hard on them and, you know, I'm, I'm one out of seven. So they, they lost three. So, um, you know, now I have three older brothers. So, so yeah, it was very difficult for them. So when they came, my dad was doing everything he could do to earn money, you know? So, and that's how he started his grocery stores and things like that.

Omar: 5:38

And that's deep, like, to have that experience, I'm sure that's what propelled them to like, man, it. Like, man, I can't let that happen again and I said, I got to do whatever it takes to

Rudy: 5:48

yeah, yeah, yeah, they were willing to work, you know, day and night, you know, they would, they would, uh, um, they would work full time jobs and then they would go out and sell outside of nightclubs, tacos, and they would sell groceries outside of Walgreens and fruit. And then on Sundays we sell in the flea market. So it was

Omar: 6:07

non stop

Rudy: 6:08

seven days a week? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we would live, like, in an unfinished basement, so that they could, like, you know. Rent and you know, so yeah, because they were, they were, they were really trying to save their money. They wanted to open up a business and so they knew, they knew what suffering was and what not having was. So, uh, so they came and they were, they were determined to work and make it right. You know, make a man.

Omar: 6:35

I know you mentioned suffering, but also sounds like, uh, I think, you know, the words, uh, sacrifice. Yeah. Like you mentioned, like. Even living in their own furnished basement, but it probably would imagine in order to save. Yeah To for the vision that they had I guess right? Yeah Yeah. Oh, that's good, man. But, uh, oh, okay. So you're, you're there in 26 and then you moved to Pilsen probably what like six, five, six years old? Yeah. Yeah.

Rudy: 6:58

And that's when they, uh, uh, opened up their store. Okay. Right on, on 18th street and they would, you know, start selling. It was on 18 and what? 18 and Polina. Oh, okay. Uh, like there's a gas station there. By the train tracks, right? Yeah. Right by the train tracks, right in the middle of the block. Oh, no way. You know? Yeah. They were there for like 20 something years or more. No way. Yeah. Yeah. So, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They did. They did really well there. Uh, All right. You know, when they first started, it was just like they, they rented the store and they brought all the boxes of produce and stuff that they had and they started selling outside. And, you know, uh, my, my dad would cook a little meat on a little, little, little stove and, uh, man, you know, I was his worker. So I was like, he'd put me in a cashier or he'd put me to fix produce and shelves as he got them. And, you know, my mom would still go to work and he would still go to work and they would have the store. So it, it was, you know, uh, it was, it was, it was tough, you know. You know, I know for them,

Omar: 7:59

you know, okay. No, no, what about you did it was it like tough like be I would imagine going to school and then going to work or How did your life look like during those?

Rudy: 8:07

Well, you know, I would get really frustrated because he would yell at me a lot Yeah, you know when you're little and you're in a cash register and you make mistakes You know, my dad's the butcher and he's looking at me is that you know, man, so With a knife? Yeah. Oh man. You know, and, and, you know, there's customers that would try to rip you off and I, you know, a lot of times I didn't know the scams, like they'd give me a, uh, they show me a 20 and then give me a 2 bill or something and then want their change. And you know, when you're little, you know, you don't, you don't, you know, you get nervous. And I think I began to develop a lot of anxiety.

Omar: 8:44

Like, how old do you think you were during

Rudy: 8:46

this? Probably. I would say like seven, eight,

Omar: 8:51

nine, you know. That's young to be handling money,

Rudy: 8:54

man. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man. And we work, you know. Work hours and stuff. And I watch all the kids walk, you know, through this through the windows going to play baseball and stuff like that and man It just was you know, I was like I want to go But you know, it's it's just I was always helping my dad,

Omar: 9:15

you know, no there was a whole family involved I know you mentioned other brothers and yeah, you know

Rudy: 9:20

by the time I think my my next brother I have three older brothers that he's probably like six Six, seven years older than me. So by the time I got to that age, they were already leaving. So they got involved into gangs. Uh, you know, they were always in trouble. Um, and so, you know, there was a lot of like frustration on my parents, you know? So I, I would, I wouldn't really see them until they would come and then they would stay. And then they would, you know, kind of leave, you know? So there was, there was a lot of, um, like turmoil, you know, that. You know, for them. Right,

Omar: 9:54

right. And I'm sure for them. And it affected everybody. Obviously, mom and dad, trying to, trying to, trying to do good, you know, provide, but

Rudy: 10:03

yeah. And, you know, originally when my, my, my mom, my dad had them in Mexico, but they, my, my dad came and then my mom came following him. Um, and so they left my brothers in Mexico for about four years. Um, and so they had me here. So, by the time my, my parents were able to get everything together and go back and get them, uh, you know, they had, they, they stayed with my aunt and a couple other, you know, my grandma and they were very, my grandpa, they were very mean to them, very abusive toward them. And so, by the time they came back to the States, you know, they were pretty much telling them, it's like, you know, the reason your parents left is because they got a new kid. An American kid now, and you know, they don't want you guys no more, you know, uh, definitely, definitely that wasn't my mom, and that's hard, you know, but, uh, that turned out to be very destructive between me and them, because they, they, they would. They were very angry and, and towards me, I mean, this whole time, my parents are like, yeah, you got your older brothers, here's their pictures. You're going to see them. And you know, it wasn't the case. So there was a lot of abuse that when I started, you know, coming, you know, through that from, from them. Yeah. A lot of abuse. You know what I mean? You know, my, my, one of my brothers like hit me in the face with a baseball bat, shot me in the face with a pellet gun and chest and, you know, and my butt, you know, like, like penetrate. Yeah, I still have a pellet like, uh, that's stuck lodged in my, the muscle of my cheek. No way. Yeah. Yeah. So, and they couldn't remove it because of the way it got lodged. They said they would have to scar like that muscle. This is a long time ago too though. Right, right. You know, and now it's actually moved forward where I can feel it. I could, I could, you know, but back then it was, I, because I was younger, I think, you know, as I got older, it just got dislodged, you know, so now it's like, how old do you think you were when, when this happened? Like probably, probably

Omar: 12:07

like six, man. Yeah, probably six, six, seven, you know, Yeah, that that's rough because I know you mentioned I'm sure a part of that had to be abandonment too and that they felt From being left over there and you mentioned abuse on the part of the grandparents. Yeah, so it was just like Yeah, they already came It wasn't this I won't say necessarily you but you were just like I guess a way to For them to vent it.

Rudy: 12:34

I'm not like yeah, you know, just just their anger and a frustration. It's whole new culture here You know, uh, so, so I think to them, uh, you know, there's I think this separation between especially like parents that immigrate here and then the kids that are, you know, assimilated into the culture that, you know, they, they find other people to hang out with and, um, you know, and, and just a lot of anger, you know, a lot of anger in them, you know, and they would have fights, they would, they would go out like, and my dad, he was actually in the military. Um, he was a boxer, a golden glove boxer, and so my dad was a rough guy, you know, he would tell you your truths, you know, he wouldn't, he wasn't a man for words, you know, he was just like work, this and this and that, so, you know, um, when he'd get upset, sometimes they would just punch us, you know, or my brothers would go at it, you know, and break stuff as if, and my dad would let him fight. You know, so there was, there was that, that, that kind of that chaos, you know, that, that would strike a lot of fear in me, you know, and so, you know, my way of kind of coping with things is I would just kind of go off to the side and, you know, not like detach and play with. You know, with star wars figures or something and just, you know, hope that it didn't come my way You know, so so yeah, it was it was it was it was it was very very destructive like and I don't think I realized how much until I got older, you know, because it was began to be like sexual abuse and you know, there was a lot of manipulation kind of like Like, hey, you know, uh, I, I care about you, I love you, like, let's go to this room and I, you know, I wanted to be close to my brothers and, you know, and, and, you know, they do what they want to do and then it was a matter of like, uh, you know what, if you tell anybody, I'll tell them you're gay and they won't ever talk to you again or, you know, um, you know, now I'm going to mistreat you and, and, you know, you're going to do whatever I want. And so they would be really nice to get what they wanted. Yeah. You know, or to lure me, and then it was, so it really, like, it messed, like, a lot of my, my, my way I would connect, and just the way I would feel, and, you know, there was even times that my, you know, my brother would come and just, I'd be playing, and he'd start peeing on me, you know, and he'd think it was really funny, you know, he'd think it was really funny, and, and, you know, it, it just would, you know, like, I'd get up and I'd just walk away. You know,

Omar: 15:08

so did anybody ever find out during that time or you just kept a lady quiet like

Rudy: 15:14

You know what? I I don't I Gotta be honest like for a long time There was there was blocks. They were just I would black I wouldn't remember. Yeah, you know There was there was times like they sent me to school and I wouldn't know I just keep walking I wouldn't remember who I was or you know where I was going You know, and, and I, uh, there was a point where I stopped eating and, you know, my mom said she was like really scared because I just, you know, took me to the doctor to try to figure out what was going on with me. And she said that one day I just started eating again, you know, and, and, and, and, you know, you know, it's, it's, you know, my mom's, my mom, she's a very loving person, you know, she's very kind, but I know years later, you know, she told me that she knew what was going on. But she was just like, what can I do? Right. They're brothers. Like I, we brought them here to try to make a family. Yeah, yeah. And, and to, you know, she's like, how, how can, and and, and then she kind of hinted that she had gone through similar things. Mm. You know, and, and so, you know, um, it, it just, it was just difficult. Yeah. You know?

Omar: 16:24

Well, man, I know you mentioned like the mistreatment. I wonder maybe if even they went through that, maybe Mexico, you know, and they were just probably repeating.

Rudy: 16:33

Yeah. That's what they saw. It's how they were treated. You know, um, and it's, it's just, you know, just, just continue on and, and, um, you know, with me, I would follow them everywhere, you know, it was just, uh, uh, you know, just cause I was told I had these brothers that, you know, um, But, you know, it was, it was, it was a tough time. Gotcha. Tough time. So,

Omar: 16:55

so that was going on. And I know you mentioned that your brother's like, you know, wild and gangs, like as you start getting older, I don't know, let's say like eighth grade, maybe going into high school. How does life look for you? Like, like what, what direction do you go? What was going on? Like like seventh

Rudy: 17:10

grade was, was really difficult cause I went through a lot of bullying. Um, uh, you know, I try to protect the kid they were bullying and instead it just turned on me. Um. Yeah. Gotcha. And, you know, I was just at one of those places where, um, and I remember chasing a kid in class with a, with a knife. Um, and, you know, they had called the police and stuff like that. And, and, you know, uh, someone had mentioned what was happening in the class. And they began to ask me, and I think that's what diffused it. Uh, you know, with the teacher and things like that. Um, you know, I, I, I don't even remember like talking to my mom or anything, but I just remember getting so angry, you know, or chasing him, I guess, you know, um, but my, my dad actually eighth grade, he drove me to Mexico and with my family and he wanted to put me in a monastery and leave me there. Um, he just felt he didn't, you know, he was, he was, he didn't want to lose me too. You know, so but the thing that had happened was that in the monastery, they walked me around I got to see the place and They told them it's like we had someone try to leave an American citizen here a kid But he's like we got into trouble because we didn't have certain paperwork So like these are the papers that we need It's like get these papers signed and then you can bring them and you can stay here He's like well, you know, we'll keep them my dad made Big donation to the church and so they could keep you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, it's kind of crazy, but it's my dad, you know, my dad's way of like trying to, you know, uh, Do something, you know, with what was going on, you know, with, I'm sure he was overwhelmed and things like that, you know, uh, but you know, on the way back, you know, they, they took me to an amusement park. Cause it's like, you know, this is going to be the last time, you know, you know, my mom, she would be like, you know, are you okay with me? Who is it? I was like, I don't care. That's how I was like, Oh yeah. Okay, whatever, you know, um, but they ended up changing their mind. You know, they said they, they felt bad, you know, at the end, uh, and then they put me in a Catholic school, uh, from public to Catholic and, and St. Anne's in Pilsen. And, and that's where I think things kind of began to, to change because it wasn't, it was different than when I was in public school, you know. Uh, the families were different, the kids were different, you know, uh, and by then I was, I was getting really detached, you know, I wasn't, you know, really paying attention to stuff and just showing up and, you know, uh, to, to some extent, a lot of it is like a blur, you know, uh, so, so it, it, it's, you know, uh, uh, Yeah, so it was it was just it was just tough. Okay. It

Omar: 20:04

was just tough. Yeah, and but you you went there and then did you go to a high school? Yeah, it was a Catholic high school to Catholic.

Rudy: 20:11

I went to Quigley. Yeah, and and Quigley South which is now st. Rita Uh, this is on the south side of Chicago, so, you know, I would, you know, I, and this is, you know, just some things about me because, you know, and I, I would, because I would work in the store so I'd get change and, and, and parents would give me money and stuff. So you're always in the cash register, you know, they're, they're giving me money and stuff. So I would just get on a train and go downtown. go to the video games. You're talking about like six. Instead of going to school? No, no. I mean, I'm just talking about as a kid. I'm just like my mentality. Like I would, I would just get up and go places, you know, it was just, just, you know, and so come to high school, you know, I would take like from Pilsen, you know, the, the back then was a blue line. Now they call it the pink line. I would, I would get on, on, on Ashland right there on 18th and Ashland. I would get off in California. Yeah. I mean, I'm Western and then I would take the bus straight to 79th and Western, you know, so, you know, that was my day, you know, every morning there, every morning back, you know, that'd be like an hour commute. No, how

Omar: 21:16

long was it for you?

Rudy: 21:18

Maybe that.

Omar: 21:19

Yeah, right. Because I'm thinking, yeah, this

Rudy: 21:21

40 minutes, you know, uh, so, so, yeah, and, and, and, you know, it's, it's. By that time, you know, I, I, I started playing baseball, you know, my dad would, you know, put me to work and, um, and I would be like, Hey, can I, can I go? Like, I just want to walk to the park and be like, okay. And I wouldn't come back. I go play baseball. Well, we're at Harrison Park. Yeah. Sometimes we'd be up on the north side, you know, and, and we were in front of a Walgreens, he's selling like some stuff, you know, and some groceries and, you know, I'm, I'm working and I was like, Hey, can I go? And he's like, yeah. And I just went, walk. Yeah, I just, it's kind of crazy, man. I think about it, you know. Um, just, just where my mind was. Right. Like, you know, just, you

Omar: 22:11

know, so. So, so that was like in the high school years. Yeah, yeah. And anything that stands out from those years, you know.

Rudy: 22:18

Um, you know, I, I, I went and I wanted to try out for baseball and, and I began, I met some of my, my friends that I know to this day, you know, and I think that it was them. One of my friends, his name is Tito, another guy Ernesto, that, man, they would just pursue, like, we would just, we would play baseball and he would protect me. He was, he was a bigger kid, you know, and he was, you know, he'd get angry and he'd want to fight with people, you know, but we, we would start just hanging out together, you know, so whenever I had time, I'd go play baseball with him, you know, and, and we got on, on team and, um, you know, it, it was. It was one of those things that I just believe God sent. Just someone that would walk with me. Because, because I always wanted to be alone, you know. Uh, you know, at night I'd go just in my room and shut off all the lights and just sit there in darkness. Um, but with him, man, he just would bug me. He'd come looking for me. And it was, it was harder for my dad to say no for, it's like, Hey, can, can Rudy come play with us? Like, who are you? He's got to work, you know, it's like, yeah, we'll, we'll come back. And, and, and, and man, it just, it was, you know, I think, and I, and I, and I've told them, you know, I, I think it was because of those friendships that. I didn't put a bullet in my head.

Omar: 23:40

No way. Yeah. Yeah. That young could, could I ask you the, like, at what age do you think those thoughts came to you? Like, just my le le let me, you know, let me escape this. Like,

Rudy: 23:49

oh, you know, I, I, I, I can, I can think of things probably as early as like five, you know, I just, I would, I would just wanna run into a street. You know, I, I'd almost feel like there was something telling me to run into the street, you know, just like this voice, you know, and just, you know, it was, it was, you know, it just, you was, it It was, it was, it was terrible. In, in, in, in the sense, you know,

Omar: 24:20

look, look, when you look back, do you think it was spiritual too? Oh, yeah. I mean, I mean obviously all that was in the natural, everything that was happening to you was real. But you think that had a spiritual aspect, like that voice?

Rudy: 24:30

Yeah, yeah. And, and, you know, and, and these are things that, I mean, we, we got time here, right? Um, there was just abuse even with babysitters, you know, and, and I think it, it, it followed me. You know, I, I, I feel like it, it was like something that, you know, people would sense it in me. You know, I could be standing there with, I remember one time I was standing, helping my mom in the store and we had like an aisle, like cashier, and a guy just came up and he looked at me and he started humping me. And my mom, she was like, you know, so it was probably like, like eight or nine at the time. And. I, I froze like, I, I was just like, I didn't, I didn't respond, you know, I just, I was just like, and my mom, like, she like threw something at him and you know, he, he said that he likes little boys and, and this is in the store with customers, you know, middle of the day. And my mom, she like yelled at me, you know, she was like, how could you ever let anybody? You know, like do that to you, but I, I, I feel like I was just conditioned, it was, it was just, it was already happening. Yeah. It was just, it was just, um, you know, so it, it, I, I didn't know how to respond, you know. Um, and so there was this, this chaos in my head, you know, um, so, you know, it is when, when it came to my friends, like, you know, you know, it was like. Like to me, it was like heaven, but just playing baseball and out in the fields and stuff and, and, and, you know, having fun, man,

Omar: 26:22

having fun,

Rudy: 26:23

having

Omar: 26:24

people that, that are, man, they want to see you like. Good, like the good, good for you instead of,

Rudy: 26:30

yeah, just talking about baseball and talk about baseball players and their batting stands. And, you know, you play swift, you know, you throw a rubber ball against a black and, you know, score, you know, and, and it was, it was, we began to just hang out all the time together and we were just, we're so competitive, you know, uh, with each other. And I, I had, I had got like a Nintendo. Um, and then we would, would play and then, you know, by now I think my dad kind of let go, you know, they like, they stopped, you know, and so I was out like playing and, you know, I would come back and help him in the store or whatnot, you know, and, um, but I, I was I was determined to like leave, you know,

Omar: 27:11

so, so yeah, it was, like you mentioned, it was almost like life saving at that time. Those relationships, are those friends still? Yeah, yeah,

Rudy: 27:18

yeah, yeah, yeah, uh, Tito Ernesto, you know, another friend of mine, Dave, you know, uh, you know, he also went to Quigley and we just, you know, it was those years that I just felt, man, God just sent someone. You know that that would just be how you're doing Rudy Looking for me and stuff and I was like man, just leave me alone. Like blah blah blah. Come on. Let's go play baseball Yeah, just you know Even though I want it, but like I just there was this aspect to me that was just I was detached I checked out, you know, I understand it now, but like back then it was

Omar: 27:54

just oh, no Yeah, yeah in the moment, you know when you look back then you can see What was going on? How you were thinking and feeling and I was affecting, you know, like, yeah,

Rudy: 28:03

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Omar: 28:04

So, so, so that was high school, like a college. Did you end up going to college?

Rudy: 28:07

Yeah, yeah, you know, and, and my, my, uh, my, uh, senior year at Quigley. It was, and it's a seminary. It's a Catholic seminary. Um, one of the priests, Father Zorn, you know, he was taught religion class, but he's one of those priests that would swear. You know, it's where he tells jokes, you know, and he was just like, but I remember him pulling me like kind of aside and saying like, like, you know, uh, he's like, you know, every time you're in this class, he's like, you know, I have these students that he's like, I have them in other classes. They're, they're, uh, nerds, as he would put it, he's like, they never say nothing. But when you're there, they're troublemakers. It's like, it's like you bring something in them out. That I don't see anywhere else. He's like, I think you have a gift. Of what? Trouble making? What he was saying of getting people Influence making? Yeah, yeah, like getting people that are kind of closed off to to talk. And he was like, I think he's like, you should really think about being a priest. He's like, he's like, you know someone, you know, had seen that in me. It's like that, that I would you know, that he would bring that out in people. And, and he's like, I, I think you can You know, God can really use you, you know, and it's stuck in my head because like, I think for once it was like outside of like wanting to be in the major leagues, you know, like purpose, like a calling, like, you know, something, you know, that, that is future. Do you think he was the first one that sparked that in you? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When he said that and he talked to me and, and, and I was like, man, you know what? Yeah. Like. I could begin to see that. You know, I could begin to see how there's like, there's like I have, like a certain kind of influence, like a connection that, like I bring out certain things in some people, you know? And, and I just, it stayed with me and so when, graduating from high school, my next step was to, to go to um, um Uh, Niles College Seminary, which was that step before the priesthood. Okay, you know, so so I I made that choice and and I went and asked him for a letter of recommendation and You know, um, uh, I made that decision to go you know uh and and um It was it's like I don't know like just just things kind of got my words right now, but um, You know, it was it was there when I went man. I feel my heart is like man like I want to serve you God, like I want to, I want to know you began to take like my, my faith as a Catholic. We're serious. And my parents, they never went to really church, you know, outside when they went to Mexico. Uh, they would try to go every year, you know, uh, there they would go like on Christmas. They would go, you know, sometimes like during Easter, you know, uh, but it was, you know, you go out there, like you don't really ever enter the church. There's like so packed. So we were here like in Latin, I think, you know, we didn't really understand, you know, You know, um, uh, so, so it was, I began to take my faith more serious, you know, uh, but then, you know, in the seminary, there was a lot of people that were drinking, they were partying, you know, um, and man, once I started drinking. You know, it, things changed, like, it, that, like, it just, I started getting so drunk, you know.

Omar: 31:42

Is that the first time you started drinking at that age? Yeah,

Rudy: 31:44

yeah. Even younger, you didn't touch? No, no, no. I mean, I think, uh, one of my friends and I, so we might have had, like, a drink. Okay. You know, it was, but just kids, like, you know, but there, I started drinking, and I think that's when, like, a lot of anger started coming out. A lot of, you know, just. Um, man, and that, uh, that, that drinking just, it became going clubbing and, and, you know, and, and, and you wouldn't think you're going to seminary, you know,

Omar: 32:14

you start getting drunk at seminary. That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. It was, it was wine though. It was wine. Right.

Rudy: 32:22

Yeah. Well, you know, it, it, it's crazy because, you know, like one time I, I got so drunk, uh, driving down the 90,'cause this was in Nile, so, so I would take the, this

Omar: 32:32

by, by Skokie, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, well, no, Nile was is it in that area or no? Yeah.

Rudy: 32:37

No, I don't, I don't think it's like, um, I can't think of, um, Glenview like out Okay. Like, out that way. Alright. Or by the O'Hare, like towards out there. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Like, um, and, and I got pulled over by the police and I was. Straight DUI, right? Um, but the police officer was like, Where are you going? Blah, blah, blah. I was like, going to Niles College Seminary. He's like, What do you do there? I'm a student. I'm starting to be a priest. He's like, You're really going to be a priest? I was like, Yeah. He's like, Alright. I'm going to drive you to the seminary. You know, you follow me, right? And, uh, he drove me. And when he got out, He was like an escort. And he was like, Hey, you know, finish

Omar: 33:19

and pray for me. You know? He must have been a Catholic. You could atone for some of my sins.

Rudy: 33:26

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was, it was, um, Yeah, yeah. You know, you gotta, uh, you know, just, just, it makes

Omar: 33:35

you laugh. It's crazy. This is probably, what, like in the 90s, I'm gonna imagine? Well, I

Rudy: 33:42

graduated in 92, so this would be

Omar: 33:43

like 93, 94. You know, DUIs back then, they were different, man. I remember like my dad too, in the 80s and stuff. He said, man, they will drive you home. It was, it was different than now. Obviously it wasn't as harsh people drinking. They were more lighter, I guess, back then, but yeah. So, okay. So, so, okay. So you start drinking there. What happens with that path of wanting to be a priest? Do you continue? Does it stop? Or what?

Rudy: 34:14

Well, you know, it's, it's, I think my, my junior year, uh, there was one of the men there that was, uh, going to be, he was going to Mundelein, which is where you actually get ordained. And he was doing all this paperwork. I remember sitting in a room with him asking him like, Hey man, like, how did you? Come to that decision, you know, uh, you know, a lot of people here feel it's a joke He's like yeah, but like I actually do feel like there's calling like And you know, he's just telling us, you know, how how it worked out for him and and how he made his decision and and you had a obviously The chapel and and I went to the chapel and I remember like in the back of the chapel They had this little balcony and I was just like, you know God I'm thinking about doing this and, you know, if this is what you want from me, you know, um, you know, let me know, like, like help me understand that this is the right thing for me to do, you know, and, uh, you know, I, I, um, I prayed and, Six months later, I'd been kicked out. laughter

Omar: 35:18

Here's your

Rudy: 35:21

sign, yeah. laughter You know, he answered you know but by then you know I, you know, there was a young lady that I had met and you know I was kind of dating her and um you know, bringing her to the university and um, you know there were things that would happen there at the seminary you know, that were You know, I would work there over the summer and we would go out, um, and, and, you know, move the boyfriends of the priest. We'd move them, you know, from one place to another. Or, you know, we'd, um, uh, you know, they would have parties and stuff and we would clean up after their parties. You know, we would put away the keggers and all the bottles and Of the priest? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um I'm serious, and I'm not talking about like, you know, your ordinary parish priest, I mean these are priests that are running seminary, you know, these are priests that, um, and you know, you would hear things, and I think it was at that time, like, I kind of seen that, that it began to like, really change, like, my view of them, and of God, because I always kind of viewed them as, you know, men of God. No, yeah, yeah. Um. Uh, at one time, you know, me and one of the guys in the seminary, we stole all the liquor. They were so drunk. We took all the kegs and the bottles and we put it in our room and uh, you know, one of the priests came up and he was like, you know, Rudy, uh, he's like, you know, we, you know, we were wondering if you remember, you still have the tap. For the case because we have to return them We don't know what we left after you guys And all that stuff was put in one of our rooms, you know one of the dorms and and one of my friends, you know and Uh, and it just so happens that, you know, I think they were, it was a Saturday night, you know, they were partying like, and so Sunday, my friend, uh, his parents came to visit him, you know, just, you know, and Good Catholics, you know, we came with our son. He's you know, I came to his room But yeah, you know it It, uh, it, it started kind of what would have been, you know, a real like bad cycle because that, that school year, um, I moved in with, you know, we had the dorms, we had a new, I had a new roommate and it turns out like, uh, this guy, he was, you know, he was gay, you know, and, and, you know, I would have these drawings I would put up on the wall and he would, he was like, You know, why you put that stuff up there? And you know, uh, he would tear him down and you know, Um, he, he would, like, I'd wake up sometimes and he'd be standing over me and I began to get really freaked out and, and you know, one, one, you know, one day he's like, hey, you know, I'll give you a ride back to, you know, Chicago. And I was like, yeah, but he said, let me, let me get some money. He said, I'll take you out to eat, you know, and you know, we, we went, he stopped by a, by a church, by his house. He went in. I came back with money and I'm like, it's like, what are you doing in there? I went to get money. He's like, got it from the offering. It's like the offering, the offering box. Yeah. Yep. Got it from the box. Bro. You can't do that. Bro. He's like, Oh, don't worry. I got keys to the place. Like, don't, don't worry about it. It's like, let's go.

Omar: 39:13

I was like,

Rudy: 39:13

and it was, and I went and told the main priest, you know, um, I don't even want to say names, but, um, you know, and, and I remember, you know, he's like, well, tell me exactly what happened and blah, blah, blah. And, you know, and, and I was like, well, this is what happened. He's like, you know, uh, what turns out then, you know, he turned against me, you know, and he started, you know, um, you know, just, you know, um, Long

Omar: 39:47

story short, I got expelled, you know? Yeah. You know what? It is crazy.'cause you mentioned he had the keys, so when you went to report'em, he was already probably in with them, you know, if he's, if he had access to, well that,

Rudy: 39:57

that parish was not one different one. It was the seminary that was another parish by his house and he lived on the north side, you know, so, um, this, this was something you know. Um, but, you know, once I got kicked out, um. The seminary came after me and because we would do all these fundraisers for like the city of Chicago We would serve some of the elite of Chicago like that mayor Daley and all these millionaires that would donate to the Catholic Church So we would come in in our suits We would serve them, you know, and and they would donate to the seminary and and some of that you would go towards our tuition You know and and and things room and board because man we have I mean we had we got really good food And Yeah, you know, you know, they, they, I got sued by the Catholic Church, I got expelled, and then they froze my transcripts when I went to Loyola, um, and I couldn't go back to school. So, um, you know, and then when I tried to talk to them, they wouldn't answer, wouldn't talk to me or, or, or anything, you know, and so I felt really hurt, I felt really angry, you know, um. At the Catholic Church, you know, and, and, and them, and, and I felt like, like, like, man, like, what you, what you guys are doing is wrong, like, and, you know, um, and then when they sued me in court, like, they had a, they had a panel of attorneys, and it was just me, you know, and they're asking me, like, man, do you have a bed, do you have, you know, a radio, do you, like, what do you have, you know, that collateral, like, like, because you got to pay this debt, and it got so bad that, In court that day, you know, when, when I was in front of the judge and I was working for u, working for UPS, then, um, that, um, the judge got upset with them because they were like this person. They were, they were just, I, you know, I was just sitting there and like, in a, not even just blanked out, you know, just you go in court with no lawyer or nothing. No lawyer. No lawyer, no lawyer, you know, um. And the judge is like, hey, why are you doing this to him? Like, why are you talking about him like this? He's like, you know what? He works for a Fortune 500 company. It's like, UPS, you can just call them and find out what he makes. It's like that simple, you know? Um, and he told me, he's like, you know, like, you need some, you need help. Like, there's, you know, I don't, and I kid you not, like, I don't remember like I just I remember the judge being so angry, you know, and and and yelling at them It's like you guys should be ashamed of yourselves, you know, what they're doing to you. Yeah and in court You know, but I just you know, I was just different mentally. Yeah. Yeah, you know and other students who had happened to you know They got an attorney and I think because they did that and the attorney began to represent all of them All of them Hispanic. It changed what happened to me. And they changed what the amount was to like, I think it was like 12, 000 or 13, 000. What was the initial? I think it was like 30, 000. It was a lot. It was a lot. But one of the things that, like, with the priest, the main priest, what he told me, you know, he, I remember just kind of like being frustrated, and this is, I'm jumping now. No, no, yeah, yeah. But, but he was like, he's like, he's like, you know, the only reason you're here is because the people don't white, don't want white people who speak Spanish as priests overseeing them. It's the only reason you're here. It's like, it's like, you know, uh, and maybe so angry, you know, it, it, he said that while you were still in school. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it was still, it was still in school. Like right, right. When I was going through the whole process, you know, it was getting, being kicked out and stuff like that. And he was like, he's like, you guys don't, don't belong here, you know? And I never really saw, like, I think. It didn't connect to me, the racism, um, and this is coming from, from like the main, yeah, yeah. Wow. Um, you know, um, and I think they still have the, the late Cardinal Birdley, I think he passed away like that year. Um, I think it was my junior year. Because I would, they would be having, and I say they, like, you know, bunch of white kids, you know, and, and the priests, they'd be reading the Bible. And I'd be like, hey, what are you guys doing? It's like, oh man, how can we help you? It's like, man, you guys reading the Bible? Like, what are you doing? Like, you know, it's like, well, when you know what, what you need help with, you can come back. It's like, but you guys are reading the Bible. Like, yeah. It's like, what do you need? It's like, all right, you know, and here they would have like Wednesday, like prayer and different things like that. So, you know, when, when all of this happened, uh, and I got, like, I got, I got kicked out, I got sued, I got my transcripts frozen, man. I was like, you know what, you know what God, like you, I feel like I'm gonna live my life. Yeah. And that's when I think the, the, the, the wheels fell off because then I, it was partying. I became a dj. I started, you know, playing at clubs and, you know, just, just drinking, you know, uh, I, I wake up different places, you know, just, it, it was, and you know, my friends, we, we, you know, like we would go out and party and stuff like that, you know, and it was just, it, it was. It's just really angry, you know, just, just, man, like I hated everything about myself. Hated my last name. I hated the color of my skin. I hated, uh, man, I, I, I just, I, I, I, you know, I, I grabbed the gun and I just, I'd just be sitting there. Yeah. You know, and, and, and, you know, I don't know what it was, but it, you know, there was just always something, man, that would. Like, I don't know, just, just, just speak to me, just distract me, you know, you're in that place and you're just like, you know, just, just, you know, just, just angry, you know? Um, you know, it, it was, it, it was. It was, it was, it was, it was tough, man. It was, it was tough, you know? And, um, you, you know, you don't feel nothing. You're, you're just one day after another. And as I became a better dj, you know, I, I'd get booked all over the place. People got to know me, got popular, you know, and I was. You know, that was my, my, my life and, and I wouldn't even remember deejaying. Half the time I have like little bottles of like Hennessy or I, I, I, I, Christian Brothers. You know, little bottles. And, and then I'd be down and um, and I'd be out there deejaying. I wouldn't remember what happened. You know, people would come up, Rudy, that was an amazing set you threw down. Like, I don't remember. I don't remember. I don't remember. And I think about it now. It was like so demonic, man. It was, it was, and, and, you know, I got really into witchcraft. I got really, since I was small, like I was young, like I would, I'd be at the flea market and I'd tell them, like, we'd be working there and they'd have a curandera or, you know, one of the brujas or whatever, and I'd come over and I'd be looking at stuff. It was just, just, I was just really curious about it and it felt. You know, my, you know, my Catholic faith, I didn't really feel there was power or anything, but like, you know, she would do tarot cards and stuff like that, and she'd start talking to me, you know? Um, but now when I'm drinking and partying, now I'm really getting into witchcraft. Now I'm like, really, man, like Ouija boards. Oh, no way. You know, and I went to one of the, the, the, uh, the ladies, it was a witch or a bruja or whatever. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, Hey, I want witchcraft. I was like, are you sure? I want what you have. How old are you at this time? Now I'm like, 22, you know, 21. Yeah, yeah. 22, 23 maybe. Um, and she put the tarot cards in my stomach. And she was like, now you got it. And man, you know, I began to be able to read tarot cards. And I, you know, I was so into it, you know. You know, it was, it was, um, but I felt it was power, like, because, you know, I, I feel like I had visions, like I knew things about people, I knew things about their house, I, you know, I was doing spells, and I was reading books, and, and, you know, and I, I felt like, you know, this, like, new age, this all, like, man, it was, you know, it, it, like, I felt I was balanced now, like, I was, you know, enlightened, and, and I had control of my emotions and all this stuff, you know, and, and so. I felt like I had found it. It was power there.

Omar: 49:08

It wasn't with God when you said F U but you found it now in here, right?

Rudy: 49:12

Yeah, but I had already kind of shifted to this mind that like God is energy, God is like you, right? That, um, you know he's, you know, um, Pretty much your God, but like back then that there was authority and all these things and you know, just kind of like you speak things into existence and you know, um, and then, you know, you're, you're clubbing and you're doing all this stuff. And I started selling nitrous tanks. Okay. Um, and I call them whippets So for those that don't know, it's like, it's like, uh, laughing gas. What is it? Yeah. Yeah. They would give it like a dentist. I think like, like, uh, medical and then just like industrial, you know, uh, we do

Omar: 49:56

raves back then. There was a lot of raves. Those are people that don't know. What does that look like? You've got the tank. Yeah.

Rudy: 50:01

Yeah. You're at a tank and you got your bag of balloons and, and kids are lining up, you're charging five bucks a balloon, you know, and these raves, they have like thousands of kids. You know, um, you know, later on, a lot of kids started dying because of ecstasy and different things, you know, um, but man, like you buy a tank for like 225 and you're making a grand off of it, you know, so I was like, man, why am I selling? Why sell wheat? You know, I could drive around with my truck full of tanks, better business, right? And I get pulled over and they're like, what's that?

Omar: 50:35

No nitrous. How, how easy was it to get? Where would you get it back then? Well,

Rudy: 50:40

back then there was a connect on the north side and, and it was, it, you know, you, you certain people were able to go and get it for you, so they upcharge you, you know, so tank that, you know, maybe they pay 1 75, they're charging 2 50, 300. Right, right. 3 25 for it, you know? Um, obviously if you're making a G on it, you know you're not Yeah, yeah. It's not, you know, but when you're using, using it, and that's, I think when I, I started really, like, I, I, I wasn't a person could ever smoke. I never could do weed. It would give me migraines, you know, uh, but drinking, I could, you know, but nitrous, I couldn't. So, man, it was, you know, full blown addiction. You know, I, I sell tanks out of the garage, you know, and we ended up getting, my friend, you know, we ended up getting a connection. We just were looking for nitrous tanks, and one of them walked into a, uh, a medical facility where they had tanks, and the guys started selling us the tanks. Yeah, and so, you know, you know at first we were paying them a lot We're paying like like 225 or something like that. But then it was like we're buying 10 15 20 tanks 30 tanks 40 tanks So now I'm like man, you got to give me to like 125 And my addiction just

Omar: 51:53

You know, what did the nitrous do for you? Like when when you would take it? I don't why did you make you feel what made it so addictive? I guess

Rudy: 52:01

it was like you you Uh, the music gets louder. Like, you're almost like, almost like, think of like, you know, like something's black and white and all of a sudden it's 3D. You know, color, like, like, you know, music all around. You're, you're in this, this place and that. The zone. Yeah, yeah, and, and, and, and then it'll go away and you're. You're normal. You're not, you know, you're, you're back to your senses. You don't have the effects that maybe you would have in other drugs where it has to go leave your system.

Omar: 52:32

Cause, uh, nitrous is very temporary, right? That feeling. Yeah. Then maybe like a minute or what? Like two

Rudy: 52:38

seconds at first, but then you develop a tolerance to it. You know, and, and it, it, it'll lasts longer. Well, first maybe it lasts longer and then it got shorter, but then you're doing more and more and more and, and you would have visions. You, you'd have like, you know, and, and that's why I think like the, the, the, the magic and, and, uh, witchcraft became because more real when Yeah. Got, yeah. Because you're, you're like praying, you're doing this and that, or praying you're doing your Yeah, yeah. You know, incantations and things like that, you know, and, and. So it was really empowering, but then I could feel I was starting to lose, like, control. Like, um, you know, I was doing lighting, had my lighting company then, and, um, and I love music. You know, it just, it's just something about me I can get lost in, you know. And, and I started missing gigs, you know, cause I was just doing the nitrous, you know, I'd be in the garage or in the truck and just, just doing nitrous, you know, and just like, oh man, it just, it was, it was getting out of control.

Omar: 53:42

You know, you end up just having a mask. The recipe to the tank or no, you

Rudy: 53:45

know, we would think of all sorts of things. Never that, you know, like, like we would, we put it in water and, and the water under it would stop it from freezing when you're using it. So it lasts a little longer. You'd bang them and inside would freeze. And then the nitrous would break apart and then it become. You'd get more, you know, so there was like every way you could think of, of trying to figure out, you know, and we, you know, I remember reading online what nitrous did is really repeated depleted your body of like vitamin, like B12 and things like, so I went and started buying it. Vitamin B12. Cause I'm losing it. Yeah, yeah. You know. It was, it was, it was silly man. It was silly.

Omar: 54:31

How many years did this last? This lifestyle that you were in? I gotta say from like 22 to about 26. Did something happen that brought about a change around that age at 26? Well, yeah,

Rudy: 54:47

you know, I, I was, I was, you know, getting high in the garage, well really it was in the truck and friends would come by and they'd get high too and, uh, you know, I'd be selling tanks. So it was like, kind of like I sit here, I get high, I sell and I'm making money and I'm, you know, and, and, and by now, like my mom's really worried. You know, because they didn't understand what tanks were and they had a grocery store. So, you know, um, I bring the tanks and I put them in the, you know, I, I, and she's like, what are they? Oh, no, we're, you know, they're for parties and, you know, balloons and stuff like that. I started figuring out it was more, you know, and, uh, and I would sleep like, like all, you know, all day. And I was up at night, you know, like every day. You know, and, and you know, I was, I was, I was clubbing like Thursday, Friday, Saturday, um, Sunday sometimes. And then I was like drinking at clubs like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, you know, you know, and, and here you are when you were making money, you're like,$50, keep the tip. I bought three graphs. Not if you tip, keep, you know, put, you know, it's you, you, you're just spending money, you know? But what ended up happening is like, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm sitting in this high cube truck, you know, and you know, I'm getting high and some of my friends, they, they went to go do something and they were going to come back and I'm getting high and, and then, um, you know, I'll say this beforehand, like the first thing that I started noticing that was very different is that I'd wake up and I would start crying. I had no idea what's it said, you know, it's in the mirror like, what the hell, why was he crying? It's weird. You know, it's like medicine. I tell you guys, you guys ever just start crying. Oh man. All right, man. And we have conversations about God and stuff like that, like spirituality stuff, but you know, when you're off, you know, it's, it's. But there was just something in me that I think just connected to, like, when I was younger, you know, um, You know, they were there when I was a little kid I was like four or five and they had a hernia because I was lifting stuff and I ended up developing a hernia. Yeah, and You know, I remember that they had to take blood and I remember, you know, Like being in line to take blood. I saw that needle and I remember just saying God Please help me. I'm so afraid. I don't want to do that needle. Like, please, like, help me. Like, and, uh, phone call. It was a doctor. The kid doesn't need to take it, get his blood drawn. It stuck with me. It stuck with me. That I had, this little kid, like, it just stuck. Way out there, you remember, like, yeah, and so now here I'm the truck and I'm getting high and, and, and, and, and man, like, I could feel like, like something was wrong, you know, like something, you know, it's different. And I just, I would look up and this, the Haiku truck, because it's the lights and it's dark outside and wherever you can see, like a little bit of light on the top. Yeah, you can see a little bit of light on the, on the top. Um, and I remember like, like saying, like, you know what, like God, if you're real, it's like, I'm telling you right now, like, unless you do something like it's going to get crazy. You know, like I felt it, you know, like I felt it in my spirit, like, like just kind of those crossroads, you know, you know. And, you know, I was talking to this guy about selling like a ton of tanks in Indiana, and I was like, man, it's gonna be a ton of money, and, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm, you know, I'm excited, but I had this partner with me, and I was like, man, I gotta get rid of this guy, you know. Um, but I just, I remember looking up and just saying, man, like, there's gotta be more. You know, there's gotta be more to this. It's like, just selling these tanks, making money, I see my parents making money, like. You know, and I would look up and I was just like, man, gotta be real, like, show yourself, you know, because if you don't, I'm telling you, you know, and as I was just, I was just getting high, you know, like there was this, this, this part of me that. It was just like, I looked up and I was like, you know what, God, like, help me, you know, if you're real, like, just, just help me. And then there was somebody like, like sitting next to me and he was like, man, why are you talking to him? And I was like, uh, man, like, why are you talking to him? He's like, man, I know you, like, man, we're going to make a ton of money, man. It's, it's, it's all good, you know? And I was like, yeah, and I mean I could see the money, you know, I could see like the trucks I could see the pool. I could see the house, you know, I could see And I was like, yeah Yeah Yeah, let's do this. I mean i'm i'm in man. I like man i'm about money, you know, you know And then I would just look up and and something would just like grieve my heart, and you know, this person's like, he's talking to me, it's like, man, it's all good, like, like, don't talk to him. But there was, there was this part, man, where I was just like, Like, God, help me see. And it was when I said that word, help me see, and I looked at him and he was the devil. He was, he was red. I mean, obviously I'm going to say the devil's like red, but like I looked at him and I was like, you know, like you're the devil and he's like, you knew I was a devil. No, I didn't. I didn't know you were a devil. He's like, You've always known, who do you think you serve? You don't serve him. Look at everything you do, man, you serve me. I was like, nah, man, nah. He's like, don't talk to me like that. He's like, I'll destroy you. He's like, I'll kill your mom. I'll destroy her. And man, I thought, my mom. You know, my jefita, you know, like, oh, man, nah, man, nah. And I was just like, oh, and all of a sudden, like, he disappeared. And, you know. Started, you know, I could feel like something was moving around and like these letters were on the walls and I got out that truck and I was like What the heck just happened today, you know? I was like, man, I gotta get high some more. That was an amazing experience. I mean, I think about it now. I'm just like, oh my goodness. You know, but some guys were coming to pick up some tanks. And I went to the garage and I had like a ton of tanks. And I walked in there, gave them the tanks. And, you know, I, um, went in the garage. I had my truck. This brand new truck, TVs, Nintendo, I mean TVs all around the truck. Who does that? I think about it now, I was like, what are you doing really? And I want to listen to music, but I didn't want to leave my truck out there so the police wouldn't come and they would ask. So I put the car in the garage. I closed the garage. You know, and I'm listening to music. I put it up, I'm jamming, I'm getting high. You know, somebody, you know, get some calls, Hey, what time you coming, man? Like, oh yeah, we'll be there later on. I'm ready. Pick, pick up some food. Alright, cool man. So here I am, I'm in, I'm in the garage and the car's going, you know, and then all of a sudden there's light in that room. Like, think of a black, a dark garage, you know, all of a sudden there's light. All of a sudden it's like clear as day. I know there's a God. I've always known there was a God, and I've always known I wanted nothing to do with it. And, and, and that tank, there was these chains, they were, you know, like, kind of like this, and they were hooked on me. And, and as I was filling the balloon, when it would go, shh, really, it was like, help! People crying out for help, you know, and now I'm, I'm freaked out and I could see those little, like, it was like these little spirits with wings, you know, and they're holding the chain and they're like, just a little bit more, just a little bit more in your ours, you know? And I fall on my knees and I was just like, God save me. Like, if you save me, I will tell people about you. And it was at that moment that a bright light came into that garage. So bright. Powerful light, and I was thrown to my, my, my face on the floor. You know, uh, I could see on my hand I was like a leper. I was like white and ashy, you know? And, those spirits got like torn apart. Like, when this light, this person came in that room, tore him apart. If you could imagine someone screaming, like, how it would sound. Like someone's torn apart. Like that, like that scream, like a horrific scream. I could hear them scream like how they were torn apart, you know, and something, someone was in front of me. I couldn't look up at him. Someone was in front, in that room, you know, and then I was just, I was, I couldn't, I was just on my knees flat, you know, sorry, just flat. And then, you know. So, something took me, like, where I was sitting, something took me high up, and it was darkness around me. And I was like, you know, what's this? You know, where am I at? And he was like, you think you're a god. You're no god. You're a god of nothing. There's nothing around me. Emptiness, you know. And I was brought back down, and as a kid, you know, I, I would, probably around seven, I would break into houses and had not remembered that, you know, I broke into this house and, you know, I was going through the guy's bed and I had a knife and, you know, I, I, the guy came in, I didn't realize he was in the bathroom and I was going under his mattress, you know, I was searching his house and stuff and he came out and I went at him. And I remember the fear that was in his face, you know, he was a hispanic guy. And I ran out the house, I jumped out the window, and, uh, I was in the alley, and I was like, but it felt good, it was like adrenaline, like, but I remember someone, something just said, what you're doing is wrong, and I see you, and I was filled with fear, you know. And I never did that again, you know, I hadn't remembered that, I had not remembered that. And you know, my brothers had a lot of trouble with their kids and my mom ended up taking them in. So they would live with us, you know, and, you know, they would make me really angry, you know, they would break stuff, they'd break my records and they wanted attention, you know, they were young. But I would get so angry and yell at them, I'd grab them and say, man, your mom don't even want to see you, man. You know, mom don't care about you. She was supposed to come. She didn't come. You start crying and stuff, you know. Um, and I remember that very same thing. And I remember the words just saying, something thrown into the water. Just words saying, man, it's better to be thrown into the water. You know, with cement block around your neck. And what it's going to be. What you do to those little kids, you know, and uh, and man When I got up I'm just like forgive me. I Don't know who you are I don't know who you are. You know, I'm sorry like Help, you know and the first thing something said get out that garage Got out that garage the freaking car was on I forgot the car was on. I wasn't trying to kill myself. I forgot the car was on. And I closed the garage. I don't know how long this took, you know? But I remember standing outside the garage and I popped open the, uh, The garage door opener and, you know, I'm just sitting there and I'm just like, Dang! But I went back into that garage and I was like, Man, that was a crazy experience. Another balloon, but nothing. I didn't get high. Nothing. I was like, now I was freaked out. There was some Coronas that were left out, but it was water. I was like, what the heck is this? You know, what just happened? I wanted to get high again, because then I was getting like, I was scared, but then I was like tripped out and, you know, I get tripped out again, almost, you know, I was like, Oh my God, what happened? Something's different, you know, but now things are different around me. Like it was, I sense things have changed, you know, and I got this pain in my stomach, you know, I was like, Oh, I didn't realize I hadn't eaten days I was so busy getting high It was like, oh, so I'm gonna, I'm, I'm gonna go to Lawrence's. I I'm gonna go and, and get some, some shrimp shrimp over there on Canal Street. So I drove, you know, spot. Yep. Yeah. And I drove and back then, it's not the way it looks now, it's like little ghetto, you know? It was like always like bunch of people out there and, and so I, I got my shrimp and I parked my truck. Brand new truck, you know, I'm sitting there eating my shrimp. And then this station wagon pulls up and then there's there's a guy and and These guys come up to him right and he got CDs and he's like 20 or whatever and it gives him the CD and I'm my truck is a little higher. So I'm there's a station wagon and The guy opens it And there's drugs in there, the CD, you know? And then a little kid comes up from behind, like, Dad, I want to go home. And I was like, What kind of lowlife does that? You know? Selling! Like, in front of his kid, like. And then something just told me, that's what you do. The nitrous. You know? We'd be at parties, you know, filling balloons, and the kids are curious. So you give them a balloon, but you tie it up and they're like doing what everybody's doing. Because we have people, we'd be at people's houses, you know, throwing house parties, you know. And, man, I was so, I was so shamed, you know, I, I, I just was like, I'm a bad person. Like everybody knows I, I, what I do, like, just so much shame. And then I, I, I started to get on, uh, you know, on, on, on Halstead or what was it? Like Cermak to, to, uh. Go, go back home and, uh, Something in me was just like, man, just drive. Go, go to Wisconsin. It's like, start all over. You know, it's like, you know, no one cares about you. Shame, you know. And I was like, alright, I have a lot of money in my pocket. So I was like, yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm going. And as I got on the freeway, I got a vision, like, of my mom. And my mom. I stayed up praying for me, you know, and she was on the table, you know, and she was just like, she fell asleep, you know, she was praying for me and then man, it was about to jump 94, Wisconsin and the, or two 90 going west towards Cicero, you know, I just turned towards Cicero, you know. No cars, like seven in the morning, like six, like five, like six in the morning, no cars, not a single car. It was weird, you know, you're driving and I'm like, man, this is out of this world, like something, you know. And, you know, I, I, I got to the house, I went upstairs and my mom was sleeping on the table, you know. And, you know, I was just like, man, well, my brother, you know, he had went to prison with his brother and, you know, he had come back a believer, but, you know, we, we always made fun of him, you know, cause he came back, didn't want to watch movies, didn't want to listen to music, you know, want to always tell us about Jesus. And we're like, you know, Oh, here's the padrecito, you know, la culita, you know, and, and. You know, but I just had this experience, you know, so, um, you know, I'm, I'm the next, this is the next day, you know, I'm, I'm burning, you know, back then you, when you make music, you had to like put the, the, the, the songs and MP3s on, on the, on the, on the file from And then you had to burn it and, uh, and then it had to finalize the CD or else it wouldn't work. You had to finalize it, right? So, you know, I was making these, putting all these songs and stuff like that and, uh, you know, my brother's like, Hey man, like, I have court, you know, in Kalamazoo. He's like, man, can you please take me? I was like, no, I ain't going to Kalamazoo, you're crazy, you know, I ain't going to take you, he's like, come on, man, please, man, like, like, you know, fine, bro, like, dude, you're, you're always in trouble, you always freaking need help, you know, like, fine, you know, um, so, so I'm sitting there, you know, Um, you know, put in the music and, you know, he's like, Hey man, can you put one song on there for me? He's like, you know, so we can, you know, you're going to play it in your car, right? And I was like, nah, man, I ain't putting your Christian music out here, but I know, I know what you're asking. Like, nah, man, I don't want to hear that, you know, and he's like, come on, man, just one song. Fine. What song? He said, man, it's"Sumergeme", man. You know, I was like, so I looked it up for him. I think it was LimeWire at the time, you know Downloaded the song put it on the thing and then he's like walking away or whatever And and then as I'm sitting here, I get this feeling like someone's there and I'm like and then the cans fall off the aisle And I'm like freaked out now, you know and I man something's different man these You know, I think these spirits said that they were my friends and not my friends no more. And, and, you know, um, my brother comes back. And he said, hey man, what happened? Like, here, it's like, it's like the, the, the shopping carts are all moved. I was like, nah man, I think some crazy stuff is going on. You know, I had this experience with God, you know. He's like, you did? He's like, yeah, yeah, you know. He's like, I know God now. He said, really, you know Jesus? We got a new guy, you know? And, you know, he's like It's like, man, let me tell you, you know, and I have to do it. I want to hear about your God. Like, I know God now. I had this experience. I start telling him, you know, and he's like, nah, man, like you need Jesus. It's like, nah, bro, like I had this experience. It's an amazing experience. You know, man, I lost it. I was sorry, you know, and he's like, well, you know, we got to get some sleep before, you know, um, like, let's just go upstairs or whatever. And I, and so I'm walking out of the store with them. And then he's like, um, he stops me and he says, Rudy, do you want to accept Jesus as your savior? And I had this Arizona bottle, big bottle, you know, and boom, I busted in his head, you know, but I didn't do it. Like I thought I did. Cause he was like bleeding, like he was, in what I saw, he was bleeding, he was like screaming. But then, like I had the bottle in my hand, he said, Rudy, what, what, what are you doing? And the bottle just fell, and I lost it. Like, I just freaked out. You know, uh, and I started crying, like sobbing, like just sobbing uncontrollably. Like, I didn't know what was real or what wasn't real anymore, like. Just, you know, I don't, I don't, I don't, I hadn't like slept, you know, it just, it was just, and went upstairs and, and my brother's like, hey man, do you want to accept Jesus as your Savior? And I started laughing, but I was like, I do. And he asked me to pray with him. And the moment I started praying with him, man, something manifested. And I saw like myself, but with black eyes and. And that thing was just like, you know, and I was like, and then I had this incredible joy. I mean, I, I, I, it was like, it's like, like sunshine, you know, just, it was, it was so much beauty, so much peace. It was just incredible, you know? And my brother's like, you know, God loves you, you know? He's gonna begin to show you some things, he's just talking to me, you know, and I'm like, okay man, and I'm talking, and I'm like chippery, like, man, what's, like, man, like, I'm so happy, like, man, I feel free, like, I feel like something left me, you know, he's like, man, like, what you were doing, he's like, was dangerous, he's like, you know. And I was like, okay, you know, I like, yeah, it's like, it's like, whoa, it's like, man, it's already time for me to go. Like, let's go, man. So I'm like, cool. And I had this truck that I told you, man, I had TVs, had big crazy sound system, you know, I got extra batteries in the back. And so my sound system, like. If the battery died for some reason, you couldn't just jump it. Like, my stereo, you had to put in the code, and you had to get a big, like, we had to use our work truck to jump it, or else it just took forever, you know? So, um, you know, um, I'm sitting in the car, and the car's dead. And I'm like, oh man, I'm getting really frustrated now, and my brother's like, hey, relax, like, you know, God is, you know, it's, it's, it's okay, you know? And I'm like, nah, bro, you don't understand, like, this car's dead. Like, I made sure it wasn't dead, like, I, I, dude, like, I gotta go get the truck, like, you know what, let's just, like, you know what, I can't, I, like, I say, Rudy, let's pray. Like, what the hell is praying gonna do? Like, come on, like, it's frickin dead, ugh, Rudy, let me pray. I was like, bro, like, I'm just sitting there like, And he starts praying over the car. And he's like, I'll try it. And he prayed in Jesus name and the whole thing, you know? So then, you know, I'm like, dude, I'm not going to try it. The car's dead. Like, don't you understand that? No, try it. Let me tell you, I freaked out. To me, God had always been like this God that, you know, I'm not going to try it. Was in a supernatural was never in a natural realm, you know, he's not the kind of God that turns green lights or you know Moves one thing to another place, you know has I must feel like he didn't really mess with us Like Like that wasn't his thing kind of thing, you know and to see that happen Shocked me. Hmm it I couldn't explain it, and then my TV comes up, and I have to enter the codes. Which told me it was dead. You know, and this is the other kicker. Before I got, before I gave my life to the Lord, we're in the store where I'm, I'm recording the CD and then the computer shuts off. And so the CD pops out and whenever it did that, it means it didn't finalize. It's no good. Right. Right. So then, you know, I'm like, dude, I throw it in the garbage and my brother's like grabs it. It's not good. It's like, it's okay with him. So here we are driving, so it's like, you know, quite a few hours over there. Puts the CD, and gets, guess what's the only song that works?"Sumergeme". I never heard the song. But here I'm driving, and it starts off with, like, Cansado del Camino. And man, I just start bawling. I'm just tired, brother. You know, like, like, I'm just so You know, I'm so tired of this life, um, you know, you know, you know, and Man, like, I would play it over and over. Even my brother's like, hey man, can we play a different song? But, I left this part out. Um, When the whole thing happened with the garage, you know, like After all that happened. I remember saying to God that I didn't want to live To take me with him, you know And I, and I remember him saying to me, like, in my spirit, you know, that I was never alone. And I was like, but how will I know? You know, and he says, you'll know, he's like, and I heard the birds singing, you know, and it was four in the morning or whatever, like, I could hear the birds singing. And he said he would be with me, right? So, now, like, that, that day, my mom, she's under the table, and then I come downstairs, and I never, I had a really hard time with my dad. You know, we just never got along, you know? So I walk downstairs, and, and the first thing I think, you know, it's like, man, dad, like, I mean, man, God, like, I don't get along with my dad. Can you help me with him? So I come downstairs, and my dad's like, Hey, son. How you doing? He's like, I'm okay. He's like, do you want breakfast? I said, okay. Sit down. He's like, you know, he's making some breakfast, some eggs and stuff. And he's like, man, how you been? It's like, okay. And I was like, oh, man, it's good. Good. You know, sat down. He's eating. Never had a conversation. Like that

Omar: 1:22:33

so that moment.

Rudy: 1:22:35

Yeah, yeah. You know, so, you know, I'm, I'm sitting there and I'm talking, like, now I'm sitting in the car like, like driving and hearing this song, and I'm just, I'm hearing and, and it's just like, you know,"Canzado del Camino" and I'm telling God, like, I'm tired, like I'm worn out. Yeah. You know, and I start hearing those birds singing, you know? I'm in a car driving, mind you, like 65, 70 miles an hour, and I'm hearing them and I'm like, I don't know, I'm going crazy, man. This is, I can't, like, I'm not even trying to explain it anymore, you know, I'm just like, you know. And that was the big change, you know.

Omar: 1:23:24

So you experience that man all these things and How does your life look? What do you do next? I know you were, you had all those tanks. Like, did you feel the need to get rid of that? Like, what changes begin to happen? You know, I

Rudy: 1:23:38

could tell you that, you know, I took my brother to his court date and everything and got back and my friends would come looking for me cause they wanted to get tanks, you know? And, uh, you know, they, they ended up like calling me on my cell phone. They're like, where are you? And I'm like, ah, man, I'm, I'm right here in the kitchen. And they're like, dude, we were just there. We didn't see you. I'm, I'm looking in the kitchen. I'm like, sitting right here in the kitchen, man. Where you at? Like, dude, we just, we just left your store. Like, man, can you o can you get your guy open up? He's like, we got the money, blah, blah. I like, dude, just give it to him. Just give it to him man. Give him the money. He like, dude, you don't want your cut? Nah, just give it to him, bro. You know? Uh, it's all right, whatever, you know, and I go up to the front and I like, you know, this is in the grocery store, you know, and I tell my mom, like, Hey, some people come looking for, it's like, yeah, it's into the back. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I ended up talking to the guy that was buying all the things I, Hey man, you want, you want my side of the business? How much, man? How much? Give me 2, 500 for real. Yeah. You know, it's all right, man. I, I take, you know, I, I give you the money right now, man. I was like, cool. You know, then guy bald is like, man, what are you doing, bro? Like, did you just like, yeah, dude, I'm done. Why bro? Like, bro, come on, man. Like I get some females like, like, bro, like I do. I'm cool, man. Like I wanted to do with that. Like, wow, bro. Like what happened, man? I say, dude, I want nothing to do with that no more, man. I want nothing to do with that, man. I don't even want to go over there. Just give him the tanks you know and and Uh, and and it just so seems that when I met with this guy, you know, um, he gave me the money um I don't know what happened to the money I almost feel like the devil just came and took it, you know, I don't know, man, I don't know. I was just like, and, and they would call me at times and be like, bro, like we got this deal, Brian, where they're dropping off. Can we just drop off by your place, you know, 30, 40 tanks, whatever, 25 tanks, whatever. And bro, I'll give you a cup of, no, come on, bro. Like just do this one time for me. No. You really done with this? I'm done. Bro, I'll see you later man. And then I just started staying at the store with my mom. You know, I'd be just in the cashier. You know But my brother, there's a church in the corner, and, you know, that's where he went. It's called Monte de Olivos, you know? A Pentecostal church, and my brother's like taking me, you know, and so here I am in church, you know, and he's, you know, telling me stuff about the Bible and I was in the seminary. I didn't understand anything he was saying, you know, I felt like a little kid, you know, he's talking to me about the Bible and this and that. I'm like, Dude, I've read the Bible before. I don't get it. I don't understand, you know. I don't know what to do with it, you know? I just, uh, so I'm just like, God, like, begin to help me, you know? Well, they ended up, you know, they would go out and evangelize, and, you know, they would start taking me,, you know. But, you know, God just, He began, like, just to speak to me through His Word, and I started just reading, just absorbing the Word, just every day, just on my knees, just crying out to God, you know, and, man, just, just telling Him, like, like, I need you, like, like help me, and I began to understand more, you know, and then the spiritual attacks started coming, and, you know, then I'd be praying, man, and something would throw something at me. You know, and I'm like, I could kill snakes, man. I'd get so discouraged and, you know, we'd have church like seven o'clock and, you know, I'm just sitting there in the corner, I'm just like, no, that's it, I'm done, I can't do this no more, man. And then my brother would come up, he's like, man, what are you doing, man, church has got to come. I'm like, bro, I can't. Like, already? You're quitting? Yeah. You don't understand. And he's like, bro. You don't understand what I've been through. He said, well, that's what you've been through, man. Like, you weren't here just a little while ago, man. You know? And he said, man, let me pray for you, man. All right, man. Pray for me, you know? And he's like, man, well, if you want to go to church, I'll see you there, you know? I could tell he was so disappointed, you know? Yeah, and he left, and, you know, I'd be like, sitting there, and I'm just like Okay. I'm going to get up and I'm going to go to church, you know, but you know, at this time, my mom, she was really angry at me for going to church. She was, she was,

Omar: 1:28:43

she

Rudy: 1:28:43

was

Omar: 1:28:44

angry, you know, because you were going to a Christian church.

Rudy: 1:28:48

Yeah. My mom's never been like, I

Omar: 1:28:51

didn't

Rudy: 1:28:52

understand, you know, just like, she's like, why can't you just, you know, do our faith. Like, you know, like, why, why do you have to, I was like, ah, like, I, I would tell her, I told her what happened to me, you know, and she's just like, just angry. I didn't want anything to do with you. Isn't that

Omar: 1:29:11

crazy, man? When, when, uh, religion, uh, uh, I put a clip out to Julio where religion, almost like a gang, like you betrayed, but like, I think about, man, you preferred me being a drug addict, drug dealing. As long as I was a Catholic, but now, now, now God, I have a genuine encounter with Jesus. My life transformed and yeah, now I'm a Christian, but it's almost like you prefer me being a Catholic and still being in the lifestyle is where y'all live when you think about it. Like, and I know like a lot of people go through that with family members, man, but it's almost like, uh, I think about, um, Gideon. Yeah. When he called him in, uh, how he burned, uh, the idols, his father's idols, but he did it in the middle of the night because he was scared of his family. He was scared of his dad. And then when they woke up, all the idols are in a man who

Rudy: 1:30:01

burned all this stuff.

Omar: 1:30:03

Like I believe God calls us to, to leave certain traditions, religion, and just seek him and like a genuine relationship.

Rudy: 1:30:11

Yeah. Well, I, you know, I, I, I began to burn, I began to burn everything that was. Opposite of God, you know, I, I, I, everything I, cause I had all these books that I had bought about new age, um, you know, funny, I see some of those books where I work at CPS, you know, piles and piles of them in the main office. No way. Yeah. Um, but, um, man, like all that stuff began to burn, began, I began to, you know, like, uh, a fire, you know, and, and, and yeah, my mom was like super angry. You know, but, you know, it was, I think it was a big difference between like me and my brother because like my brother, you know, he, he had had He had come to Christ and I went back come to Christ and back back to work. Yeah coming Christ, you know and You know, he he was just he would steal the food off the table before you know Drugs and heavy, you know drinking and just he was just Um, and so he would sober up and then he was like, all about Jesus and, you know, talk and, and hey, help me in this and that. And the next thing you know, but I think it was different with me, you know, because I guess the baby of the family and, and, you know, my mom just saw me different, you know, and, and my mom could always talk to me, you know, when she was going through stuff, she would just like, just start. Yeah. When she just continued to see the change, you know, and then I got baptized, um, my mom's like, I go to church, you know, um, and, and then her, you know, she got saved and then she got baptized and then my grandma who was hardcore Catholic. I mean, she did go to church, Sunday, had the saints, everything in her house, had the nuns come over, had the priests come over, because my, my, my grandfather was a doctor. So, uh, you know, uh, she ended up coming to Christ, you know, and she would be at church, you know. And I would take them when they would come to the states because they had their, their sugar, they were diabetic and they were at the point where they were going to pass away. You know, they couldn't see and they were just coming and so I would take them to the doctor. Um, and I would have conversations with them, you know, taking them to the doctor, I'm telling them about Jesus, right? You know, and, my grandma would fight me, man, my grandfather, man,

Omar: 1:32:54

whoo.

Rudy: 1:32:55

You know, um, but then, you know, it's because I had such a radical encounter with Christ. Like, you know, I used to be a DJ and I was promoting clubs, but now I'm at the clubs with tracks passing out Bibles, I'm inside the club with the owners and talking to the DJ. Because I still had lights because I told you I had a lighting company So I would rent out those, you know, rent out lighting rigs for fun for parties and stuff like that And so at these big clubs, you know, it's I'd get paid so I'd be doing shows outside This is before I got saved the show is outside I would have my lights rented in clubs and then I was doing parties and then I was DJing right And sell you the nitrous right, but now I'm saved right so so now like, you know I go to the clubs to you know, collect my money and talk to them and I'm just like hey guys. I Came to Jesus Want you to know about Jesus? I Can't be coming about anymore I'll sell you my equipment. I don't know like how you want to do it, you know, tiny loose ends, right?

Omar: 1:34:03

Yeah, yeah,

Rudy: 1:34:04

and you know the guys like And that's great came to Jesus, you know, like man, I read the Bible too, you know I'm talking to him about Jesus and you know, and You know, they're like man just just come later on tonight, you know, and you know, we'll give you some money and You know, but with them you had to wait no so I came later on a night and clubs for thousand plus people You know, and I'm up there at the DJ booth, you know, uh, and I know, I know all these people, right? And they're like, Rudy, like, what's going on, man, I haven't seen you in like, dude, God changed my life, man, Jesus, man, I accepted him as my savior, man, and man, bro, it's love and peace and joy, bro, like, I can't even explain it, man, you know? He's like, hey man, hold on, hold on. I'm about to start DJing, you know. And I'm like, yeah, go ahead, go ahead. And, you know, he's DJing and being between songs, you know. He's like, hey, really? You're not drinking no more? I said, nah, dude, I don't drink. Man, I'm telling you, like, you know, my girl left me. Dude, let me pray for you. I'm praying for him. He's DJing. In the club. You know, I pray for him and, you know, we're talking, he's mixing again, and, and, you know, I see these owners and, and these people, you know, like, hey, Rudy, how's it going? Like that, dude, came Jesus, man. You know? It's like, man, like, like, oh, man, that's, okay, all right, man, you know, well, I'm, I'm happy for you, you know, uh, and then I look outside a nightclub, you know, like the crowd, you know, all the lights are going and stuff and, and. I see this tall black lady, tall, you know, probably like 6'4 she was a little heavy, you know, but with a pink bag, like a pink backpack, and I'm looking at her, and I'm like, something tells me she's hurting, you know. I come down, go through the middle of the club, everybody start praying for her. And she turns around and she looks, she's sobbing. I didn't know that, right? I just saw her in the lights and everything, you know, like doing their stuff, you know, you know, and I'm like praying for her and at this point I walked to the, to the stage of the club and the club was called E2s and I sit there and I start crying out to God. I get on my knees, I start praying and man, I'm like, it's a spiritual warfare. It's a God. I pray for them. I pray against them. I felt like I was grieved. I was angry. But there was like, I love them, you know? And I'm praying for them, you know? On stage. I come down from the club and my car was parked across the street. This was actually on, on Michigan, Michigan. And I'm sitting, I'm sitting out there praying. My car now, you know? Cause that's just what I was seeing, man, like it almost like I was seeing demons, like I was seeing, you know, I don't sound crazy, man, but I'm looking, I'm looking at this place and I'm just like, I see people, I see people smile and then I see demons, I see in their faces, I see them in the shadows, I see the eyes and so I walk out that place and I'm, you know, and then a bunch of, uh, gypsies start showing up and they're passing out. Business cards, but they're looking around, you know? I'm sitting in my car and I'm looking at them. I was like, That's the enemy right there! You know? That's the enemy right there! They're looking, and then they stop and they see me. And then they're like, staring at me. And I'm staring at them, and I'm starting to pray. You know? You know, I 828. We just talked about that. Roman's 828. Second, second time. Yeah, yeah.

Omar: 1:38:16

Okay. So, so I know you mentioned, you know, all these, uh, spiritual attacks, everything that you encounter. And it's obvious that God was, uh, like moving and reveal himself, not only revealing himself, but also the enemy. Like, you know, like you were able to discern it, but, uh, I eventually want to get into how did you end up like a new life? And if you could take us through that transition, like, uh, how did you end up there? What begins to happen there? And, uh,

Rudy: 1:38:39

yeah, yeah. Well, just even quickly before we even transition. You know when I came back the following day to the club to get paid and to close out a fight broke out 21 people died in the club

Omar: 1:38:55

No way, I remember that that's when they got a trampled in the hallway. You said that was the next no way Yeah, for anybody that doesn't know do you want to do do you want to share like maybe some people are not familiar with that Yeah, yeah

Rudy: 1:39:11

This is this club, you know, they had a lot of traffic over a thousand people a fight broke out. They used mace and You know the the owners they They had locked the doors so that they wouldn't get the promoters and the money and stuff. But then, you know, they opened the doors and I guess people stampeded out and they got stuck in the hallway. You know, and over 20 people died. Over 20 people died in that place. I was about to walk in that place uh, when I felt something put a hand on my chest. It said, stop. Go back. And then the club owner called me and he was like, Rudy, where are you at? And I was like, I'm in front. I just got here. He was like, get out. I was like, bro, I'll take care of you tomorrow. He's like, there's something really bad happening here. Yeah. One of the police officers that would be working there actually, uh, flatlined three times. Yeah. And then I saw him in new life. No way. Yeah, yeah, this guy that you would not think would want anything to do with God. He was trying to help some people and he got caught in a stampede. Flatlined in the ambulance. I ended up seeing him at New Life. You know, um, so like, um, you know, I mean, you're asking about how I got to New Life. I'm at this Pentecostal church and, you know, one thing is I was just, just so lonely. You know, that just now I'm, I'm, you know, I'm following God and I'm, you know, I'm not sleeping around. I'm not, um, you know, a lot of these relationships that I had before are gone now. And I'm, I'm just like, it just almost seems like everybody around me is in love and in valentines, like, you know, it just, everybody seems so happy. At least you're saving money. Yeah, flowers, right? You know, and, and, and, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm driving to school and, and honestly, like, I just, I start crying to God. I'm like, I, I, I need your help. Like, I, I, you know, there was points in my life where, you know, I was in relationships and, you know, It's very easy just taking them to get an abortion, you know, uh, and if anybody ever done that, you know, it's it's it's just, you know, when you, you pick her up or you, you know, just saw a slobbering and the medication and, um, man, um, but I just felt like, man, I, I've really messed this up, like, I'm, I'm going to be, you know, alone, like, Um, God would never pair me up with somebody and, and, you know, at that church, you know, there wasn't any girls or anything and, but it wasn't even that, you know, just, just as like an aspect where I, you know, English is my, my main language,

Omar: 1:42:00

you know, and that was Spanish. All Spanish. So

Rudy: 1:42:02

I'm reading the, you know, and I was, I'm being invited to a couple churches and, um, somebody had told me about New Life. Okay. You know, I, I ended up like, uh, going and the moment I walked in, it was at IIT. The moment I walked in, man, I felt like my spirit just jumped, like this was home. This was home. You know, like, um, man, you know, you walk home, you walk in the house, it's just, you just feel it, you know, um, and, and man, uh, uh, it is, it's interesting because like I would just go to church and I started inviting everybody I knew over there. Cause for some reason, like I would invite them to the Spanish church, but it just. Yeah, Spanish wasn't their first language, you know, and it was just always a barrier, you know, and, uh, but I started inviting to new life, you know, and, and, you know, I met my wife there, you know, working with the youth, you know, I was, I was doing lighting and stuff, you know, and that's a whole nother story, you know, how long did you guys

Omar: 1:43:04

know each other before you finally, uh, took the step, you know,

Rudy: 1:43:10

um, I hadn't never, um, It was before I went to new life. I had said, you know what, God, um, if it's your will that I would get married, um, let me know. But what I'm going to do is I'm going to fast and I'm going to fast until you answer me. So I started fasting one day after

Omar: 1:43:33

another. What kind of fast were you on?

Rudy: 1:43:35

Water.

Omar: 1:43:36

Just water? I

Rudy: 1:43:37

was like, I'm going to bug God until you answer me. What's going to happen with this, you know, because there was just so much anxiety, like so much loneliness, you know, so, you know, it's, I mean, those of you who are single, I mean, you just, you, you know, it's, it's, it's overwhelming, you know, and I kept and I kept and I kept and I kept and I would not, and then one day I came home from school and I sat And I was praying on my knees, crying out to God, saying, Here I am. I'm praying. Right? And it's just going to continue. You know, it's I fell asleep. And I was at a wedding. And in that wedding, he was at the table, and he was telling the person, he's like, this is what I was talking about. And he's like, Rudy, you ready? The doors opened, and it was a wedding ceremony. And I walked up. And, there was a woman up at the front, you know, and I went up and I could see her in her eyes how much she loved me, you know. I didn't recognize her, I didn't know her, you know, never met her. And I remember as I woke up, some, you know, the words that said, you shall have a son. And from that moment, no more anxiety about being single. I was content. Hmm. Got on my knees. I was like, you know, and I wasn't even thinking about eating cause I hadn't been eating, you know, I wasn't thinking about it. Uh, you know, I went to, to, to back to school cause I had to get books for my semester. And I said, I'll return, you know, afterwards. And, and the girl at the register was like, I don't know why I'm going to tell you this, but you just need to eat already. It's done. And Okay. I went home, bacon and eggs, and tortillas, and started eating, man. You know, I was content. It was gone. Right, right. You know, it's like he spoke. I was just like, God, I'm going to do it your way. I know I'm going to botch it up. Like, I've botched everything up. I'm going to trust you with it. You know, I'm going to do it your way. So, whatever it looks like, I'm going to trust you with it. And so, people came. Girls came. At New Life. At school. Believers. Uh, this is crazy, another guy owed me money, he called me to go to the club, uh, I met him out in front, and I want a girl that I was always liked, never came into the, gave me the time of day, you know, she's like Rudy, I've been wanting to talk to you, I've been wanting to hook up with you, let's go out, here's my number, come on man, come on. For real. Yeah. Thanks. I walked out. Yeah. Cause I knew who that was, man. You know, it's just, and so, you know, here I am, you know, a new life and I'm, I'm now I'm serving, you know, I'm, I'm helping out with tech, I'm doing all these different things and you know, uh, you know, I see my wife, she's serving, she's, you know, setting up the stage and, you know. And, you know, I thought, man, that's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. It's like, wow, you know? She had like this platinum blonde hair and, you know, it's just like, man, I was like, but I didn't see her like next Sunday, but then I saw her again, you know? And I was just like, man, like, you know? She was so thin then, you know? She was super thin, you know? And, um, you know, it, it, it wasn't until we started doing some concerts with Pastor, uh, Josh that, um, that I ended up giving her a ride to one of the meetings, you know, for the event. And you know, uh, I, first time I actually got to talk to her. And the moment we started talking, you know, it was, you know, we, we, we, we connected, you know, but she was so standoffish, you know, she was just like, you know, I, I was giving her a ride. And she's like, Look, I'm dating Jesus. Don't waste your time. You know, okay Rude Rude, man, you know, it was just you know But yeah, yeah, and it's interesting that the day we got married and

Omar: 1:48:13

You know, how long later did you guys get married from that time? You guys talked a

Rudy: 1:48:20

Couple year.

Omar: 1:48:21

Okay

Rudy: 1:48:22

a couple years because You know, I, I actually, I, to be honest, like, even though we were connecting and things like that, I wasn't thinking dating or anything. I was just like, God, wouldn't you, you know, and she ended up asking if I could teach her how to drive. And I was like, yeah, I'll teach you how to drive, you know, but there was just something really beautiful about her spirit, you know, um, and, you

Omar: 1:48:48

know. Then I knew you were saying that the day you got married, you were going to say, so

Rudy: 1:48:55

they got married. I, I, I, I saw her at the altar and it was my dream. She looked different, you know, she looked different. She had changed her hair, you know, years. I mean, you're talking about within years, like things have changed, you know? And I, you know, I, I, I asked her, I asked her pastor, ASA, if I could date her, you know, uh, asked her dad. I was just like, I'm not playing no games, I'm doing it. Yeah, no games with her, no games with you Lord, you know, if it's your will. You know, he did a background search on me, he was asking about me, he pestered me, he didn't say yes right away. Yeah, I was like, man, I was expecting he was going to say yes right away, I was like, no, no. And her dad, you know, ultimately when I asked to marry her, to get engaged, uh, you know, he was like, just, I just want her to, to graduate from college. Done. I'll wait till she graduates from college. Yeah, I wait. Yeah.

Omar: 1:49:52

Um, yeah, how long you guys been married now? 19 years. 90. Wow. 19 years. I mean, we just celebrated 20 years. But yeah, yeah,

Rudy: 1:50:02

yeah, yeah.

Omar: 1:50:03

Time time flies. Uh,

Rudy: 1:50:04

I

Omar: 1:50:05

know you mentioned part of it and the vision to a son. You want to talk about family. Now, how does family look for you right now?

Rudy: 1:50:12

You know, I had opened up a store. Um, and uh, You know, my wife, you know, she, we moved in together and I had a little apartment I had fixed behind and, uh, you know, it was all different for her, you know, you know, living, just married and a business and, you know, to me that I grew up that way, you know, around business, you know, so, you know, um, but, you know, my first thing was like, man, I want ready to have a son. And to her, she was like, yeah. No. And one of the things that I had told her that I did want was children, you know, and it's just God, bro. It's just God because he like changed her, you know, and I was like, I'll honor you. You know, you're not ready to have kids, but, um, but you know, it, it, uh, it happened. We were like probably married. Uh, I mean, my son just turned 18. Oh, right, yeah. So, uh, like, within like half a year or so, we ended up getting pregnant and, you know, man, it was, it was just an amazing thing. I know she was scared. She was super scared and, you know, she, you know, she doesn't, you know, didn't really have a good relationship with her mom and, you know, couldn't really live with her dad and stuff. And, um, man, like, you know, my son, man, it was, Like, it was amazing, man, you know, just because God had spoken it, you know, God has spoken it.

Omar: 1:51:53

He didn't just bless you with one, you got two. How far apart are they, uh,

Rudy: 1:51:58

four years, four years. So like my, my oldest just turned 18. He graduates from high school this year. And my other one just turned 14. He graduates from grammar school this year.

Omar: 1:52:06

Right.

Rudy: 1:52:07

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty crazy, eh? Yeah. You know, so, um. And, and, you know, it was one of those things that, you know, with, with my son, um, you know, there were, there was, we, we knew early on something was wrong. Hmm. You know, you know, he was, he just noises, he just would not go to sleep. Uh, just is is a huge struggle, you know? Uh, as, as he got a little older, you know, we ended up getting him, you know, tested because at uh, El Valor where we, you know. Like a preschool and stuff, you know, they were like, Hey, we're seeing some things that are problematic, you know, so they went and got them tested, you know, uh, it turned out that he had like sensory integration disorder, you know, just were sensory, just didn't want to take baths, didn't things, noises, just all, and, and, you know, he was on the spectrum, you know, for, uh, uh, asperger's back. Okay. Okay. Like, yeah, but you know, um, yeah. And then that was, it was hard, it was very, very hard because, you know, um, you know, as a father, man, you, you, you want him to, to, you have this idea of what normal is, you know, and, and God began another journey with me with him there, you know, uh, because, and I would get angry because he, you know, he, he would, Uh, you know, get, get, get overload, sensory overload and things like that. And he would, you know, get, you know, get really frustrated and, you know, we couldn't really go to restaurants. A lot of times people didn't want to babysit him, you know, and my mom and dad, they loved him. I was just like, you know, he's my baby, you know, and, and at that time, you know, uh, my wife started going through some postpartum and I, I realized some things were, you know, we needed help. Duh. You know, uh, you know, as we got married, we were in fusion, as we got married, we got, you know, we're in fusion. That's how you gotta keep fixing it, right? No, no, yeah, no. You keep drifting, yeah. Yeah, I get, I get comfortable, you know. But. No, you just, just bring it with you. Yeah, for real. Yeah, for real. That way it could be. Yeah, yeah. Um, and, uh, you know, uh, we were leading fusion group, you know, at first we started just attending the group. Um, when we got engaged, but then we were, you know, we were assistants because as they said, Hey, you guys don't have no fires going on, you know, so, uh, and then we're so thankful for the ministry, man. It really helped us. So for people that don't know, fusion is what a marriage ministry, you know, that, um, Um, you know, uh, to teach you tools and God's design, biblical design for marriage, you know, covenant versus contract and, uh, you know, conflict resolution and, uh, uh, you know, just your conflict styles and, and even, you know, um, roles in marriage and, you know, so it's, it's very well designed to, um, you know, we were, you know, began to lead groups, you know. But. Yeah. You know, with our son, it became, you know, difficult. And so we had to get him like, you know, occupational therapy and different things like that. And, you know, that's kind of led my wife to go into teaching. You know, uh, into special education teaching, you know. That's what she's doing now, right? Yeah, she's been doing that for like 12 years now. Like, you know, um, and, um, You know, so, so there was like a shift, you know, because here we are leading groups. Um, I could see that it's overwhelming to have a business, you know, uh, and I could see my wife is really having a hard time, you know, uh, and so, you know, I was trying to get as much help as I could and, you know. Uh, when I could just see that she was just at her labor and I was like, Hey, let me take her son and take him by my mom's and, you know, have some time just for you, you know, and her mom started coming in and helping también, you know, so, you know, it was, it was, I realized how much we had, how much we were carrying, the kind of load we were carrying then, you know, and in ministering to couples and, you know, and then groups 20, 30 people in a group and God's doing things and you're just like, you know, you walk out of there and I could see that my wife was, you know, just kind of like, you know, but you know, we're, you know, faithful, you know, uh, you know, helping. ministering to couples and, you know, wanted to glorify, you know, God and give tools and save time and try to manage the business. And so I decided to sell the business. And I was like, man, I have to change some things. Like, I can't manage. So we ended up selling the business and started helping my family with real estate, you know, and working with my family then, you know. Uh, became very difficult because of a lot of the past, you know, so, you know, now I'm again, you know, almost like reflection of being in a grocery store with them now, or, you know, they have a store and, um, you know, they're doing handling real estate and, and, and man, just a lot of things began to fall apart, you know, um, to the point where, you know, um, the market crashed and went into bankruptcy, um, and, uh, um, Fights with my brother, you know, my dad had a stroke, became lost, you know, um, um, functioned in the right side of his body, you know, my mom, she was just like only going to take care of him, she dropped everything, and then it's me and my older brother, you know, and I have three brothers, and it was just conflict after conflict after conflict, you know, um, You know, he struggled back into some of his addictions and uh, man, things just fell apart. And I kind of fell apart. You know, there was points where I'd be driving around to collect rents and man, you know, I'd show up to collect rent and the tenant's like, dude, are you okay? I don't know, man. It's like I was just things getting blurry, bro. I look at you man There's something here's a coca cola and and Advil migraine, you know, like take three of these and drink that coke. I Drink, I feel alright That was my that was my habit that's how I was working every day bro coke and and you know Migraine, you know, it's just, it's just more and more two, three, four, five, six, seven pills, another coke, another coke, another coke, you know, um, and, and handling the business, you know, and, and as things are falling apart, falling apart, falling apart, you know, my wife is just overwhelmed, you know, she's, you know, we had bought her own house, you know, and, you know, uh, finances just fell apart and just all the arguing and I just came in, put the bank books and everything to my dad and my mom and I'm done. Yeah. Can't handle it. It's over. You know, I walked out of there. I don't care what happens. Yeah, and sure enough, we, you know, property started to get lost and, and it went into bankruptcy, you know, and, and, um, I had the relationships with the banks. I knew what, you know, every, I could have saved things, but I was done. You know, it's done. I just gave them everything. I was like, man, can't do it. You know, and I don't know, I don't know what I was gonna do, you know. Uh, so I just went into this downward spiral, man, and, and, you know, you know, fighting with my wife and, you know, we're still like, you know, in all accounts and purposes, it looks good. You know, ministry, right?

Omar: 2:00:07

No, you do. Do you want to talk about that? Because I know like recently you shared your testimony or what you were doing. Like you were like, man, all in and ministry. But I guess behind the scenes you could say right things all this was going on dude, so Can you share with the with the listeners? What were people seeing? I? Guess and outside, you know, like what were you doing? I guess I'm to compensate or whatever but like what were people seeing because That I mean, I didn't know what was going on to you share recently man when you shared your testimony Like man, I believe me just like a lot of people didn't know that you were going through all that during that season during those years So because I remember so so go ahead and show that what was going on. Well,

Rudy: 2:00:51

you know, there was this a loss of my identity Because you know doing real estate and business and you know, you were from the lighting and from back then I am I you know I was making money And my, my identity, I figured I was going to end my life doing real estate, you know, and, and, you know, uh, because my parents were doing it, I was doing it, and now it was gone. And I always had that connection where, even though with my family I wasn't connected and I was having so many problems, I compensated with the people at church. I had friendships and relationships with them, and there was a couple couples, you know, that we were just really close to. And, um, You know it just you you you almost like you squeeze the balloon it just pops on this side you know you you even though on this side, it's it's you're you're you're you're holding on to that other part and You know that you know me and my wife, you know, I mean, she was just really concerned for me You know, I was trying to figure out what to do, you know, and and I you know, there was a period where I was just lacking myself in the basement, you know, and and I was just just It's checked out, you know, even Pastor Juan. I came one day over my wife. Just like I'm concerned with it and he just talked with me and you know, and you know, he left, you know, but You know, I Started working at the church Thinks of you know, Pastor Juan and stuff he you know gave me a job there and you know that I was man like humbled from like You know, think about it, you're doing real estate, you're, you're doing deals and, and one deal I made 550, 000, you know, um, I have the check, you know, um, and I bought a brand new Mercedes, 100, 000 car, you know, white Mercedes, you know, AMG, you know, a BMW X5, you know, and, and, but, you know, All that stuff ended up just, I had to let go of it. Couldn't, couldn't pay for it. Uh, and I, you know, I was just so depressed. Cause now I'm sitting here and all that's gone. You know, and I'm, I have my two, my two sons then I think. Yeah, my two sons and I, I don't, what am I to do? You know, my wife, she's busting her butt. You know, going, working. Teacher. I can tell she's overwhelmed. You know. And I'm just like, thank God. So humbly. Because here I'm at church, cleaning toilets. You know, the, the basement's flooding and I'm down there, like, knee high in the water. You know, unclogging the pumps and, you know, um, you know, the payer means what they could pay but you, you, you can't live off of that. You know, and, and naturally, man, I'm around ministry, like, you know, I'm, I'm, and so there's this aspect that I feel good when I'm around ministry, I'm, I'm doing things, and then there's this sober part of the grand disappointment in my life, you know, um, but still, man, I'm hardened, you know, I'm, I'm. I can do ministry. I can pray for people. I mean, God's doing amazing things, you know, uh, and this is what you're talking about. You saw me doing sound and stuff like that for Ridge and yeah, I mean, like, man, you know, you know, uh, uh, God saving people and, and baptizing and, and man, just, just utilizing the tools and the walk I've had with God and, you know, but you know, all of this, it's covering this, this storm inside me. You know, this, and man, each of those things that have happened, you know, the bankruptcy, you know, um, you know, that the, all the change, the frustration, man, it's, it's triggering, you know, because I fight with my mom, my dad, my brothers, you know, and man, you know, and I, I want nothing to do with them. You know, I'm, I'm like, you know, just, just, just really hurt, you know? And, um, You know, I, I, I end up, uh, just, and, and it's just, it's interesting because I'm, I'm at church, and there's like, uh, a leaders, elders meeting, and up there, you know, some people are being promoted, guys doing some things, right, and I'm hearing, like, one person promoted, you know, never led a group, you know, um, and I got so angry, like, and I'm like, Like, for real, God? Like, I've been faithful when no one showed up, man. You know? Faithful, you know? Day in, day out, man. Someone who's, who's not, you know? Could say that's from God? You know? It just really hurt, you know? And I, you know, remember just like, kind of like, walking into church and just being like, everything just looked like Just disappointment. And, I remember just saying to God, like, I'm so frustrated with this. You know. Um, and like, I don't even want to be here. You know, like, what's the point that You know, you work, you toil the fields, you know, you see things that are missing, you see, you, you, you fill the gaps, you know, you're, man, God, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm going, meeting people, meeting them, going out to eat, calling them, like, man, you know, uh, raising up people, raising up leaders, man, like, giving them vision, you know, like, man, and I'm, and, and this, you know, and I remember God just kind of saying to me, you know, it's like, you know, you, you, you, It's like, you're really angry. It's like, if you want to see me. You know, moving your life, then follow me. I didn't understand what that meant. It's like, I thought I'd been following you, man. But he's like, you know, like, stop complaining. He's like, and be teachable. And that's the thing, stop complaining, be teachable. And say yes when I ask you to say yes. You know, and so. I ended up applying for a job at, uh, Well, actually through Pastor Juan, I got a job doing, like, as a stagehand. And I started going out, doing events, and getting, you know, making a little bit better money. And I got a job at Amazon. So I'm working all these jobs. I'm working at the church. I'm working at Amazon. And I'm working at the stagehand, you know? You know? And, um Man, just starting from the ground up, you know, and I remember I told you I used to work at UPS, right? Uh, well, at UPS, like, I was a sorter, so I was getting paid more than most people, and they had offered me a higher job, but I didn't take it because I wanted to be with my friends. Well, here I am at Amazon, working as a sorter.

Omar: 2:08:09

You know, how many years later? About 20 years later, or, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rudy: 2:08:13

Back then I was like, like 20. I was, it was my junior year, so I grad, you know, I would've been like 21. Gotcha. You know, and, uh, full circle. Hmm. You know, and, and man, it was, it was then that God just began to. I began to see the, the, the wilderness,

Omar: 2:08:33

the walk where he was taking me,

Rudy: 2:08:34

you know, you

Omar: 2:08:36

know. When he told Elijah, go, go back the way you came, right?

Rudy: 2:08:42

Yes, yes, yes. Go back. You know, and it all just, and, um, you know, and, and there was this aspect now to where, you know, that, that, that God began to deal with my anger, you know, he began to. You know, speak to me about, like, because, you know, as, as my wife started, it was going through counseling and we had this argument about finances, you know, and, and I was just kind of like, you know what? You have your account. I have my account. You know, it's like, I'm, I'm just, I'm tired, tired of, you know, cause she made more money and it just, it was humiliating to me, you know? It just felt like she was asking questions, she was, you know, this and that, and And man, it was a big blowout. And I was to the point where I was like, I was so angry. I knew I needed help. And at that moment I came back and, and she, I could tell, you know, she was just like, You know, not knowing what to do, right? And, and I was just like, hey, hey, uh, where do you go for counseling? I was like, you know, I have to enjoy it. It's like, send me their information. It's like you willing to do counseling, professional counseling? She's like, yes, yes. She's like, I'll handle it. Send me information. She sent it to me. You know, it's like one of those moments, you know, like I've been telling you, you get to a point. Yeah. You know, and you're just like, you feel there's a crossroad, you know? I thought that was a crossroads, you know? I don't know, because I care. Like I need to do something, you know? Yeah. We started. Filled out all the information, you know, chose the counselor, we started going to counseling. And that's when he started asking me questions. I started, like, asking me about how I felt about my past. And, you know, there was an aspect about my past that I didn't want to think about it. You know? It was because, man, look at all the things I've done. Like, I don't want to think about that. Think about People touching me. I don't think about that stuff. Like, a lot of it was blanks, man. Like, I honestly don't remember. Like, it was just blanks, you know? And he was just started asking questions, like, well, what happened here? Like, how did you feel? And I began to realize it was focusing more on me, you know, and I started realizing. Okay,

Omar: 2:11:14

so you start going as a couple? Couple, yeah. But he's focusing more, okay, okay, got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rudy: 2:11:18

Because I, you see the shutdowns, you see the anger and I'm talking about it. And one thing I said, like, you know, I'm going to be real, you know, like, just, it's just, you know, it just felt like, like, I don't want to say I had been like, like, I'm going to say like, I like, like I felt I was making the best of everything. Like I was doing the best I could with it, you know? And now it's like I'm just gonna be real. Hmm. But I'm, I'm, I'll tell you how I really feel. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, that's it, you know? Yeah. I gotcha. And then when it started getting into some emotion was start coming, man, it was like, and those, and those tears would dry up all of a sudden. And I could tell. It tugged on something, you know, and you

Omar: 2:12:08

mentioned the tears will come and they'll dry up. Oh, like, like you, you felt the sense of wanting to cry and then,

Rudy: 2:12:15

but something would come out. Like there was something and it's, let me tell you, before I got saved, I would, with the tanks, like I would look in the mirror and I would start tearing up.

Omar: 2:12:26

Yeah. Yeah. And you will ask people, Hey, are you guys crying? And it

Rudy: 2:12:29

would go away. Like, it was just like, what? And all of a sudden it would happen. And he's, he's asking me like, Well, you know, tell me about your childhood. You know, tell me about this, you know. He's like, you know what, let me have a session where it's just me and you. And I'm like, man. You know. But, you know, there was just like this aspect where I just felt like there was a monster there. You know. And I was kind of afraid. That monster, you know, because it was times, man, that I told you, I broke into the house. Like it was times, man, that I would, I would see red, man, it was just being like an anger at me, man. I'd be walking around and looking at people and, you know, my brother would have a gun here and I just would want to shoot him, you know, and it scared me. And it was like an aspect about that person that. But no one saw me that way, no one saw me that way, right? It was just like an anger, a wrath, you know? And he was like, man, like, I encourage you to maybe get one on one. And I was like, nah, man, I'm cool. I'm cool, man, I'm cool. I don't want to do it. Like, you know, he's like, all right, man. Yeah, yeah, right. You know, but in the sessions, man, it's, it's I would see my wife vulnerable. I could see her like, you know, just sharing and like, man, it's, you know, it would be like talking about me and her. And it was just like, I could feel like I had the love. Like it was, but it was like, and it was just this moment where we like, he asked me, he's like, man, what are you feeling right now? I got up and I was like, I'm out of here. And I went to just the bathroom, man. Yeah. Like nothing. I was normal again. Came back like, I'm ready. Like, what's up? He said, Hey, how are you feeling? I'm fine, man. Just had to go to the bathroom. It's all good, you know, it's all good. And, and, and, and God just began to speak to me, you know, and, and, and as he began to like speak to me and it had changed, you know, as he's kind of, you know, I'm seeing all these, you know, where I'm shutting down and where I'm angry. You know, and, and then there was this, like, this question of, you know, when you think of, like, God is holy, like, be holy for I'm holy. And there was always this mindset of, that meant, like, be obedient. Like, man, do what I tell you, like, follow the, you know, like, it's almost like now he was, like, saying, when I say be holy, I'm saying be healed. It's like, you know. And, I began to, like, to talk about it, you know, as he kind of would ask me, and when he said, like, you know, like, what you went through, like, you know, like, that's how, that wasn't right, you know, like, that had to have been, like, how did you, it had to be painful, you know. And it was like, I, I was back, I was normal, I was like, I don't know, I was, you know, my brothers, they went through stuff, man, they got abused, and blah, blah, blah, just on and off, you know? But after that, man, God would start speaking to me, you know, He would start saying, you know, reminding me of what happened. And all of a sudden, these memories started getting unlocked, I started remembering things I hadn't. And man, that's when the, that's when I would just start, you know, the waterworks would come in the car. You know, I'm, I'm worshiping and he's just like, like, he's like, I love you. You know? And we had gone through like theophastic prayer and different things like that, you know, but it never really, never touched it, you know? And I began, I began to realize, like. That I was hiding things. Yeah. That I had, I had, like, closets and things that I just was not wanting to, you know, just, just, you know, I, I didn't want to say they were, like, painful, but I just didn't want to deal with it.

Omar: 2:16:51

Yeah.

Rudy: 2:16:52

Or revisit them, right? Revisit. You know? And there was, like, this part where I just, like, I began grieving. Began grieving, you know? Um. There was this aspect where, like, God was just kinda saying that to me, like, like you're grieving. There's such pain, you know, such hurt, you know, like my innocence was taken, you know, and like I learned to protect myself against it, you know. And I, I would hide, I, I would, I would, like my, the way I did it before is I would just go off to the corner, like I said, I would stay away when they were angry, you know, I, I, you know, when my parents weren't there, I, I, I tried to, you know, uh, unless they, you know, wooed me in or whatever, but, you know, I, I just was so angry at myself for allowing that to happen, so angry, you know, and I had forgiven that, like when I came to Christ, like, I went and I made things, I, I, I, I, it wasn't like I, it wasn't like I had not gone and talked to them about it. You know, I, I had talked to my older brother about it and he was just like, Oh, I don't remember, man. I don't remember, you know. Um, and you know, there was just like this aspect of, I was like, but God, like I made that right. Like I forgave him, you know?

Omar: 2:18:21

Like,

Rudy: 2:18:24

like, I rebuked that fear, like, I rebuked, like, you know, those lies, like, I come against them, like, what are you, what are you doing now, like, like, I rebuked that, like, that, that, that, you know, that, that fear, that spirit of fear, that, that, you know, the tears, like, I rebuked that. But this guy would just come back, and he just wanted to talk about it, you know, and in counseling, you know, it just would come up, and I could see the walls, you know, as I'm communicating with my wife, as my anger would come up, you know, and, you know, I was just like, man, why am I so angry towards her, you know? And he would, you know. He call it like negative sentiment override or, or just other things. And he gave me a book, you know, and, and, and this is really where it, it, the kicker, you know, you know the, the, and I can't even remember the name of the book right now, but

Omar: 2:19:19

this is the, the body keeps score all. Hey, you mentioned me. You had told me about book or something. Not that one.

Rudy: 2:19:24

No. Okay. No, no, no. Um, but in it, it talks about like the importance of needing your wife, like needing her more than anything else, you know? And. I just never needed anybody. I just Even though, I mean, obviously, I got, but like, at the end of the day, like, you know, I kind of winged it, you know? You know? I did what he was, you know, I wasn't really, you know, I wasn't um, needing somebody physical. You know, I could just go to God.

Omar: 2:20:00

You

Rudy: 2:20:01

know? And I realized that, like, that was Like, I was supposed to need her, but to need her, what that meant, you know, I mean, imagine, I don't know, like, like it was, it was so overwhelming because like I needed a physical person in my whole life, you know, I, I avoided people, I like didn't need them, like I figured it out,

Omar: 2:20:29

you know,

Rudy: 2:20:30

you know, as long as, as long as I was old enough, I figured it out. And, like, marriage, like, we were one in Christ, and I was, like, always serving and doing what I needed to do. I was serving the body of Christ, like, I didn't really need, you know, say, the body of Christ, or, you know, uh, I just, I could just go to talk to God, just me and Him. Like, man, just, it was so deep. I would have amazing prayer times with Him. You know, amazing, like, man. But now He was, like, You gotta have relationships, you know, but deep relationships were vulnerable relationships, you know, and, and I can tell you now, like, even just talking right now, there's part of me that detaches,

Omar: 2:21:16

you

Rudy: 2:21:16

know, like right now, like I could tell you, man, it's, I could feel the work. Like I could, like I shared, you know, like that, that aspect of, of, of God just, just, just saying, like, You know, like, be vulnerable, you know, and like, be teachable, like, allow me, you know, and that's when I chose to start going to like, one on one counseling, you know,

Omar: 2:21:45

and How long did this start, the one on one?

Rudy: 2:21:48

It's been like, now I think a year, year and a half? You know,

Omar: 2:21:55

what, what, what has been, what, what, what have you seen now where you're at today looking back, what, what, what, what has that done for you individually and then like in marriage and, you know,

Rudy: 2:22:07

um, You know, it's, I think the biggest thing for me is that I began to realize that, um, I began to realize that the very thing I didn't want to see, like, things that happened to me as a kid. It was the very things that I needed to see. Like, like it's almost like I was, I was protecting that little kid. You know, I was his defender, you know. And for a long time I just felt like it was a monster. But I, but I think I realized that. You know, there was a me that needed to get healed, that I needed to allow God into. It's kind of like, you know, a little kid in a closet with a filthy bear, you know, with worms, and he won't let it go. He won't get out the closet. He won't, it keeps him content, it comforts him, you know? And I would, and to let go of those things was like, like I needed to go in there and See you later. Like, it's okay. Like, I'm here. Like, God's here. Like, it's, like, Like, I love you. You know? Like, it's okay. You know, like, we can talk about it. You know? You know, and that part of me that had to protect and shield him and be hard, I don't need him anymore. Thank you, but don't need

Omar: 2:23:53

you How does that feel like I don't know the word that came to my mind is almost like liberating like, um Well, how would you explain how you feel now and now now that you say almost like I don't got to protect them like Okay,

Rudy: 2:24:07

it's transparent, you know But it's but at the same time like I could feel things around me Like I could feel people differently now.

Omar: 2:24:18

Hmm So, more sensitive, like, to the hurts, or like, of others? Yeah.

Rudy: 2:24:25

Yeah. Like, like I felt like before, even when I told you about praying for that lady,

Omar: 2:24:29

like, I

Rudy: 2:24:30

felt like God told me that person was hurting. Yeah. And I feel like now, I feel it. Like, it's like empathy. Like, I think that before I couldn't connect on that level. Like, I feel bad for people. You know, like I knew they were going through a hard time, like I could maybe grieve with them. But I couldn't connect like that. Like I can now. Like I feel that now, you know? And free is, like, doesn't, doesn't do it justice, you know? Like, there's like transparency. Like you can touch into the past almost, you know? Like, like you could see it, like, it isn't as bad, like, not that what happened, but like, like I'm safe there, like I feel safe, yeah, that's part of the word,

Omar: 2:25:33

like safe,

Rudy: 2:25:33

not free, like, like safe, you know, like things aren't, like now I can tell you like now trials aren't punishment, they are like, they don't, you know, demonstrate. And how I'm maybe not good enough or, you know, they don't, when things are good, they don't validate me now. Like, I think before I would look validation in how I performed, the things that I did, you know, how I, how I, I, you know, work through things, you know. And I think now, like, I see it as like God teaching me, like it's, like, Like we're walking up a mountain, you know, uh, and I didn't see it like that before.

Omar: 2:26:22

Can I ask you something right now? You mentioned God teaching, teaching me when you shared your testimony, because you shared your testimony at church, um, two, three weeks ago.

Rudy: 2:26:30

Yeah.

Omar: 2:26:31

You shared something about you used to view yourself and not smart enough, like I can't learn or I forget exactly how you phrased it. But you said that through this process, you went and encountered, um. Almost like, I believe you said that old tape player, I forget exactly, but can you share that? The way you viewed yourself, what counseling did, and then what you're doing now, like um, schooling wise and all that.

Rudy: 2:26:58

You know, I was a terrible, at school I was a terrible test taker, I wouldn't do well in my classes, like, I wouldn't remember things, um, you could tell me something and I'd forget it right off the bat, you know. Um, and it just so happens that, you know, after the pandemic, when I got furloughed and, uh, I began to like, uh, help at the church at the pantry, um, you know, there was this, this aspect that as I began to be more vulnerable and trust God and follow Him and think about what He's pointing out, you know, things began to change, you know, um. You know, my, my, my wife, she's a teacher and she was just like, Hey, why don't you like think about becoming a Sika and that's helping students with disabilities. Okay. Yeah. Uh, you know, uh, Sika, you know, special education classroom, uh, teacher or assistant. You know, and I was like, man, school, no, thanks. You know, I think I remember the seminary. I don't want to think about it. Uh, but, um, There was an aspect like, uh, you know, she went, applied for the license, you know,

Omar: 2:28:16

on your behalf.

Rudy: 2:28:17

Yeah, on my behalf. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got the appointment, you know, but you know, here I'm, I'm, you know, I'm, I'm, God's really working on my heart. He's softening me, man, you know, and then when my wife tells me, I'm like, yeah, like, you know what? I'll go, I'll go to the interview, you know, um, and it's like. Everything just lines up, you know, and it seemed like before everything was just like it started going good, roadblock, roadblock, bad, bad, bad, you know, you climb a little bit bad, down, down, down, like you get like punished, you know, and, and that was so frustrating. And it just seemed like everything now lined up. But almost just like when I told you about like pursuing God about marriage or about like, like that all just lining up and I'm like, okay, I'm gonna. It's like now everything just, the moment I said, God, I'll do it your way. Where do you want me to go? Yeah. How do you want me to do it? Yeah. But I don't really, but whatever, like I'll clean toilets. I'll go back to Amazon. You know, embarrassing, you know, like I'll do stagehands. Like I'll work at this Freeman place, you know, and I was like, I'll go be a Sika. Whatever, like, I'll go, you know, and all of a sudden it's like, they told me about becoming a teacher and something's like, do it. And I shouldn't have ever even been in that program because you needed like a 3. 0 GPA and my GPA is like a 2. 2, at least at that university, you know, uh, it was a 0. 2. But anyway, uh, so

Omar: 2:29:58

how did you get in there?

Rudy: 2:30:01

You know, there was, I think there was an aspect that because of my trauma, because things that I went through, my wounds, you know, I, I, I would quit. I would just feel I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm stupid, you know, like, um, but now it was like something was telling me, like, like, no, ask them, write them an email. You know? Okay. Like, hey, you know, this is why I want to be a teacher, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, and, um, the door opened, you know, but God's teaching me now, like, He's teaching me, like, hey, don't give up, you know, keep, keep following, keep, keep going, like, just a little, like, you know, leading me by the hand, um, and, You know, I, I went into the program and, and, and now since I returned to school, now that the pandemic, granted, it's like 20 years since I was in school at the seminary, like 20 years, my transcripts were frozen, man, and all that stuff, you know, um, like now, man, I'm doing my, my work and I'm finishing it, I'm in discussions, I'm, I'm focused, I'm, you know, it's changed, like, it's almost like my mind now is retaining. Yeah. It's, it's remembering as I was remembering the past and I was working through things and I was remembering, you know, and talking to God about those things and, and, and, and, and, you know, you know, just, just pouring my heart out. Now I'm retaining. Now it's my ability to finish work and, you know, stay consistent and not quit. You know, and so, man, I go through the program, you know, and, and I get my bachelor's, you know, and then I go through another program and now my school's paying for my master's and part of my master's and, you know, some loans and scholarships and stuff. And, and God's still like, just be vulnerable with me, you know, don't hide, you know, don't hide the hurt. If it hurts, say it hurts, you know. And I'm beginning to do that, you know, my sessions, I'm, I'm, you know, instead of getting up and when I could feel that tear crying, you know, I could, I could feel it in my, and, and the first thing my body, you know, I, I, and my body's reflecting the way I would feel before the anxiety I would get before, you know, the fear I would get before, like, man, I'm, I'm learning to breathe, I'm, I'm, and I, I stay there, I'm like, yeah, this is what's happening, this is how, and boom, the floodgates start coming, man. Yeah. You know, and a friend of mine, he wrote a book from, from work and he gave me the pamphlet, you know, and it was a book and I, I start reading it and the very first word that just pops out is abandoned. And I go to my wife and I'm like, you know, babe, I'm reading this book and she's like, yeah, it's right before we're going to work. And you know, she's like, I say this book and the word that sticks out is abandoned. And it's like. Why? Man, it just, it poured out. Man, just felt abandoned by my mom. You know, she didn't protect me. Felt abandoned by my brothers, you know. You know, just, you know, just, just felt abandoned. You know, uncared, unloved. You know, manipulated, abused, and at work just abandoned. And I just remember God was like, I won't abandon you. Is this back? You know, from that little, little birds, you know? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, I won't abandon you. And I just began to talk to him more, more about it. And that's when, man, the floodgates would just start coming now. And now I'm just, I'm starting to recall, I'm starting to remember, starting to, specific things now. Clear. Before everything was just like, bullet points. You know? And now You know, I'm, I'm remembering times, you know, that I would forget and I would feel stupid, you know, and I would talk to God about it, you know. I was afraid, you know, that I would hide. You know, and I realized, like man, like some of the reason why I have a hard time forgetting or remembering was just because I was always trying to forget, you know, like a defense mechanism. Yeah. It was avoidant. And my counselor is like, man, you're, you're, you're an avoidant. You've learned to avoid things to protect yourself. I think I could agree with that. Yeah. And, and it was, it was my way of defending myself, you know? And, and, but God, man, he was just so persistent, you know, uh, and, you know, he, he was, he was just, he would just connect dots, you know, I'm driving to work and it was always driving to work with my worship music, you know, and, and, and he would, he would have things in my life that would, that the surroundings or the, would imitate things that were traumatic to me. And I would get triggered, and then he would point it out, and then he'd connect it to the memory. And then I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, and the whole time I'm like going through my residency, my teacher leader, she's like watching me and everything I'm doing, and like, oh, you're not doing it right, but like, you know, like, why don't you get this? Boom. Boom. Boom. Trigger and my first thing is like, I don't wanna come back here anymore. I don't wanna be here. And God's like, you know, why are you feeling that way?

Omar: 2:36:04

Hmm.

Rudy: 2:36:05

What happened? It's, he's already connected. Yeah. Good. Yeah. You know, he's, I'm not saying it the way, like it's just, he's just con, it's like super, like the supernatural. He just, he's just connecting. And I'm like, okay. You know, and then I'm getting ready to go to work, all I could feel is that fear, that going back to the same situation, and I don't want to do it, it just scares the hell out of me. I'm sitting in my car, and I could feel it again, I could, you know, everything would get quiet, you know, my trauma, just the sound would just drop. You know, I'd like to hear a pin drop, you know, my breathing's, you know, it's just like I start breathing, you know, it's like, you're safe. Let's go do this. Okay. I'm praying. You know, I can't even describe how he was like talking to me, man. Like, honestly, I can't, I can't, you know, but he was just, And instead of like, before, I think I would have just avoided it, because that's what would have happened. So now you're facing things where normally you

Omar: 2:37:16

would.

Rudy: 2:37:17

And he's just like, follow me. Be teachable. Amen. You know, like listen, look what's going on around you. You know, bless my wife, you know, because she's like You know, and she's so good, like her gift is so good about connecting the way you're feeling. Like she, well, one of the things in ministry, like me and her, we've been sitting with couples and she could connect the feeling right away. She could, what the person's feeling, she put it in words, and the person's like, yeah! It's her gift, you know? And so I'm living with my wife and she's just like, yeah, and I'm just like, yeah. Man, for real, just you say the word, you know, like the word abandoned moment. She said it.

Omar: 2:38:04

I think I, I think I shared with you too, because that's why I asked you earlier when you mentioned about the, the tears coming and drying up because it happened to me recently. Well, I think I shared with you what my wife told me, uh, you've never allowed yourself to grieve for those years that you're incarcerated. As soon as she finished saying it, my eyes were like welled up. And then they dried up and like, but the same thing with my wife, she, like, I believe God's using her to like a point that you mentioned those feelings and time to, because I believe, I believe God wants to bring healing. That's why I told you when, when you share the testimony, I wanted you to, to, to come on the podcast and talk about this because I believe God wants to heal like many people, a lot of men, my, myself included, like. That that hardness or that avoidance, I don't, I don't want to think about certain things in my past cause I'm good man. I'm yeah, I know I survived it, man. I'm good, but I'm not good when it affects me and my relationships today, you know, yeah,

Rudy: 2:39:03

yeah, yeah. And you know, honestly, like, I, I feel this all like, I know we were doing the furnace together, you know, and there was an aspect to that where, you know, men are coming and, and they're, they're, you know, asking for help, you know, things are going like. These are going bad for them, their marriages, you know, with their kids, you know, and their walk and stuff like that, you know, and I remember just being so frustrated then and, you know, uh, and, and because, you know, things would get better on the outside and then they wouldn't come back or, you know, it was just kind of the same thing over and over again. And, and, and I was just like, man, God, like, like, you know, what are you doing here? Like, It helped me understand and I would pray specifically for that, you know, and I think it leads to like what God's doing now because I feel like, I feel like the thing now is that a lot of times as believers we're, we're, you know, we're, we're casting out things or we believe that and us being obedient and doing the work of God and, and, you know, showing up to church and praying with our families and, and, and doing ministry, um, it validates. That we're okay, you know, it's it's it says like, okay God like got a little star, you know But we're not working through a her

Omar: 2:40:30

no

Rudy: 2:40:30

and and we're so detached emotionally that we Can't sense and feel people's love

Omar: 2:40:37

and

Rudy: 2:40:37

I can't you know Uh, connect with my wife and I can't connect with God in that sense because that part of my life was blocked off. And what I would feel with God, what he would say to me is like, I want that part of you. It's like, I'm not worried about the ministry things that you're doing. This is the part of you that I want, the part that you're holding out, holding away from me, that you're holding out on me. You think I don't see it. You know, and you can go out there and, you know, lead people to the Lord and, you know, lead groups and, you know, pray with people and, and you're hiding this from me. And because you're hiding this from me, you're doing it because you're being prideful. You know, you, you, you think the things that you do, you know, you know, are a stamp of approval. They don't validate. You know, because you're not being vulnerable, you know, you know, you're, you're hiding from me.

Omar: 2:41:40

Yeah. You know what? I like as I'm thinking about like me or believers, you think, man, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm saved filled with the Holy spirit, like, and you know, he, he saved me, he's delivered me. He's healed me. There's no need for me to, you know, to revisit those things, you know, man, I'm. But I do believe exactly what you're saying, like, God wants to, like, I guess I would tie it into sanctification, almost, right? Yeah,

Rudy: 2:42:08

yeah, yeah. It's, it's, and it began to change the way I would see things, because before, like, I would say holiness or sanctification meant that I was set apart and I was doing the will of God. You know? And, and, and now I'm viewing it now more in the context that, When he's sanctifying or setting you apart, he's pulling you apart in order to work deeper in your heart so that you could, you know, unveil almost like take your masks off, you know, now take away, you know, there was this, this one time I was just praying and I had this almost like, uh, you know, ashes and sackcloth and, and it was kind of like, he was like, yeah, Take that off, you know, it's religious because you're not being vulnerable with me, you know, you know, you, you, you share as much as you're able to because you've learned to protect yourself and you've protected yourself for me too. And he's like, I'm, I'm, I'm going to pursue you, you know? Like, and, and I understand now when I look at it in the long picture, I understand what he was doing. Cause I think back then, I, he began to do that early in my walk, but I started doing works. I got so consumed because back then I would sit on my knees and I would cry out. I would tell him what hurt, I would tell him I could, I was afraid I needed him. You know, but then I shifted into, man, just, hey, let's go do this brother party, you know, like, not parties, but like picnics and templos evangelismo, and then you see other people hurling and you're praying for them, and it's almost like you become distant. You, you, you, you know, and when I would start going through things, that's when I would, things I didn't understand, that's when I would come back. And I was like, yeah, I don't understand, like, like, and I think as he allowed things to fall apart for me, so that then I didn't know what to do, right? Like, because I'm like, okay, yeah, I'm doing ministry, like, but I'm not even understanding what you're doing here, you know? But I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I could feel you, I could see you do things, but I feel like something, you know, I, I couldn't understand it then, but I understand it now. Like, almost like the coldness, like I was cold in areas, you know? And, and now I understand it more, you know? And I, and I feel like there was that shift. You know, as you do better, you know, your, your, your gifts, you start using your gifts and stuff like that and, and, and, and you are spending time with, I mean, I ran up into that furnace, man, I was at night, wake me up one, two, three, but I'm on my knees crying to him. It's like, I'm wondering like now, like what happened? And I realized now that I was protecting myself. I would let him only so far. Because I didn't know how else to do it. And he was, he was working. He was, he was allowing situations to simulate things that would trigger me. And it would force me to have to see things different, you know. But back then I would get angry at him. Because I would say like, man, I don't have your favor. That person has favor. So I would, I think, I would shift it. The enemy would shift it, you know. And, and then he'd have to bring me back, you know, like, like, yeah, I'm not doing this to hurt you, but you, you've closed this off and locked it away. I have to almost, I'm not going to talk for him, but I have to almost simulate something, you know, that, that represents your trauma and then you get triggered and now you're angry. And now I can. Touch things because things are broken inside. They're not hardened, they're broken, you know. Even my dad when he passed, like, it broke things. And I think that was the start of when he really began to go deep. When my dad passed, you know, because there was a lot of anger there, you know. And, and, you know, I couldn't even grieve. Like, the whole time, like, I buried him, I didn't cry. Like, you know, and not that I, I, I love them, I miss them. I would see them places, like I, I, I was free, but man, it's like, and that's when I honestly, like if you want to like the real trigger to the whole thing was the passing of my dad. It's when it really shattered something deep in me, you know, and I, I knew, man, something's wrong with me, you know, I'm not mourning, like, like I'm okay. You know, and, and I heard, I heard someone say like, like, man, how would you feel if your mom passed away right now, you know, like that's emotion, that's, and I was like, I wouldn't, I'd be okay. There's detachment. I had, I had, you know, I had, you know, really, you know, just boxed that, you know, and I feel God in his kindness. You know, he would not let me continue, you know, and, and so as I struggled more and more with like ministry stuff and with family and, you know, I got into arguments with like my brother and my mom about a property and, you know, and, and it was just like, it was just bringing all of that out, you know, and, and God was just consistently, you know, because after I realized how angry I was, you know, he, he would like, you know, You know, it was, he would just begin to speak to me and he's like, man, like, where's that hurt? Like, it's like, that's hurt, that's deep hurt, you know? And so, you know, I, I, like, I, like, I would just say what I see he's doing now is I feel like his, his, his wanting to move in the hearts of men and bring true healing, holiness, you know? You know? So that. You know, not only are they, are they, you know, free, but they're safe and they could see God in a different light, you know, they can cry, you know, they can, they can truly be vulnerable. They could truly be transparent. I think before I wasn't transparent, you know, I was as transparent as I could be. And it's acceptable by people, you know, I mean, you know, I mean, that's the way they, I don't want to say that's the way, like, that's the way it functions, right? Like, like, man, you're doing good because you know,

Omar: 2:49:12

I'll go think about I'll give you just enough so you can leave me alone. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, you want vulnerability out here. So I'm vulnerable. And is that good enough? All right, I'm good. I guess you know what I'm saying? But God, he doesn't want that. He wants the dimension wants to go deep. Like, yeah,

Rudy: 2:49:31

yeah. Like even, you know, this, this meeting that we had earlier, you know, uh, You know, we're talking about our souls, and, and, you know, when I shared, you know, when I got home, there was, I could feel like God saying, I'm on a treadmill, right? And I could feel God say, like, uh, you weren't transparent. That's not how you were feeling. And I was like, you're right. Like, I'm feeling afraid. I have some big assignments coming up because I'm going now for my, my PhD and, and, and, you know, type 75 and

Omar: 2:50:06

I have, can I ask you real quick, uh, how long has it been from the, um, you got your bachelor's till now? How many years? Uh, so

Rudy: 2:50:13

this is the crazy part, the pandemic happened in 2020 pretty much everything shut down. Um, I, I started working for C for CPS in, in, in August of 2020. So now it's 2025. And up until that happened, I didn't have an associate. So in four years, I got my bachelor's, my master's, and I'm a semester into my PhD. Wow. Amen. People at my work, they're tripped out. They're like, man, you were out here doing the parking lot with us, you know, as an assistant. Numb walking in with teachers and you know, man, like, it, it's, it's, and, and, and I would say this is like, one thing I've learning is that there's like, key, you know that until you're willing to use the key to, to allow that key to open things, other things don't happen. You know, and you're locked, you're. You're like, like Elijah running, you know, you know, I mean, you think about that, right? You think about Elijah, I mean, the guy does the battle of the prophets, fire comes down, man, just gotta raise people from dead and whatnot, you know, and a letter from Jezebel makes him go berserk. And you gotta, you gotta wonder how that triggered him. Yeah, because you think about Elijah, it's his mom who dropped him off when he was little. Was it? Yeah. Remember, he was, he was given to, to, to serve God. So, so, you know, there's that aspect to, you know, you, you think there's those connections, you know, there's those connections, you know, that, you know, there, there's those things that trigger you and until once, once it's, it keys in. You know, you know, once you, you do what's supposed to, you know, you, the doors open, you know, and until then you're like wondering, you know,

Omar: 2:52:31

man, well, what would you say, man, thank you for sharing that, like, what would you say to, I know you mentioned the key, like having that key turning it, what would you say to somebody to, to a man or woman that's going to be hearing your story? What's the first step? I know, I'm sure there's plenty of steps, but what's one, one of the first or second things that they could do, like, to get on that journey of healing? What would you say, like? You

Rudy: 2:52:59

know, I think the biggest thing is to be teachable and to trust God to lead you, you know? Um, I think a lot of times, like, there's a way that we want it. You know, there's, there's things that we don't want to approach, there's things that we don't want to talk about, and a lot of those times, a lot of those things are rooted in shame. A lot of things are rooted in, you know, in, in, in hurt. And so we view a lot of times, the hard times, things that are happening around you as like disapproval. And I think that was the first shift, is like, instead of looking at things as disapproval, God's disapproval. Looking at it, it's like, man, this is where God wants me to be. There's things he wants me to pay attention to. Things he wants me to look out for. Because this is teachable. And I think I didn't do that before. You know, a lot of times I functioned without thinking. You know? It was almost like, door's open, I walk through it. You know? Somebody asks you to do this, you do that. Or you see something, you're praying and you want, you know. And, and instead of like, wanting God to use you, you, like, God doesn't use people, you know, doesn't, you know, he doesn't, he works through you, you know, you're, you're not something, he values you so much that he's, you know, you're not means to an end, you know, you know, he, he wants to work through you and have you walk with him in the process. You know, and before I wanted to be used because it made me feel like I had value. And what to tell people, it's like, God wants to work through you and the struggles that you're in right now are actually designed, right, to bring you closer to God. They're beautiful moments that you can, you can see things that he wants to point out. And how you're responding, how you're feeling, how you're being triggered, how, how your wounds are, you know, and, and, and because that's where, that's where the pathway to your healing is. And I think a lot of times we, we, we feel like, man, you know, the devil, he like, he gets us, you know, and, but that's his biggest mistake because when the devil shipwrecks us, that's the exact way, pathway to our healing. He actually leads us. So the very, the very thing he used to shipwreck you, whether it was your lust, whether it was your, you know, pride, whether, you know, it was, you know, your desires or whatever it was, you know, that's actually the doorway because that's, that unlocks the very triggers that unlocks. You know, the very things that, that hold you back, that you've, you've locked, you've, you've changed yourself to, you know, that you, you didn't want to see anymore that you're like, ah, you know, and I think that's when the breakthrough and that's when healing, that's when you start seeing amazing things, you know, um, and, and now like things, other things, they just don't look the same. You know, now it's like, God, I want to be vulnerable with you, you know, it doesn't, you know, make me feel like silly or, or stupid,

Omar: 2:56:28

you know, or, or weak or weak, you know, a lot of men, you know, look at it, right. Like counseling, opening up sharing emotion

Rudy: 2:56:39

because a lot of times people come in, they're like praying, especially, you know, you're praying and they're like, Oh man, like I want my wife back. Yeah, it's like. Like, man, you just want God to validate the way you've been living, the way you've been treating her, you know, put a stamp of approval and change her. You don't want to change, you know, you don't want to go deep into why you're behaving the way you're behaving, why you mistreat her, why that fear comes up and you act in anger because a lot of times I hope that's how I respond, you know, um, and God's not gonna validate that. I mean, he's not going to say, cause he, You know, he's he's looking to to bring healing. He's looking to have you repent and turn from your ways You know and follow him,

Omar: 2:57:25

you know and and that And, and I think that's where it's like, God, I'm not, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm turning, I'll do things differently. And I started taking care of my health and I started eating better and, and running on that treadmill and, and, and saying, man, like, like I'm gonna stop quitting. I'm going to grab things that are really difficult, like running on a treadmill, I hate running like 10 seconds in, I'm like, ah, I'm going to go eat. And I'm like, no, everything in my mind is like. No, stop. I'm like, no, I'm going to keep walking and keep running. And I started realizing barriers in my thinking, barriers and all these things, and God is just using all these things to show, you know, where I used to quit, where I used to, you know, where I used to just, it was easy, you

Rudy: 2:58:08

know, but yeah, that's what it just, just feel like, man. Like, that, that turning, you know, it sounds like very, you know, we say this, Christians, like, it's repentance, you know, but it's this aspect of, like, God, like, I'll go to the hard places. Like, I'll trust you with my heart, not, not just like your, your, your, you know, your, your desires and your hopes and the way you see yourself and blah, blah, blah, but I'll trust you with, with every part of it. And, and I, and. And I'll talk about it, like a, like you're talking about things like going to prison and things like, and that, that things are taken and there's a real grief there. There's, there's real fear there. There's real, you know, walking into that place, right? I never like been in prison, but like I've been in situations where, you know, you, you're, you're

Omar: 2:58:57

terrified. That's, that's what, uh, as I've been doing this, a common theme, obviously you, you, you're not going to show that you're scared. But every man that I've talked to that's been in there, man, yeah, I was scared, you know, I didn't tell nobody back then. Well, yeah, it's like me. I went in there a hundred and twenty seven pounds, you know, like a little little twig going in there like man, obviously like Yeah, there's this fear, you know, and and I'm glad that these guys Are vulnerable going back to vulnerable enough to share that. Hey, man, man, I was scared You know, I don't know what's gonna happen to me. I don't know what goes on in there. And yeah, it just, it's definitely a real feeling, you know? Yeah. That, that you suppress. Yeah. So that's the other bad thing too, though, you know? Man, I ain't gonna feel no fear. So you gonna, I, I love what you said right now, how anger is rooted in fear. Yeah. So what do you do in order not to show that fear? You're gonna put on this bra a bravado, right? Yeah. Or this anger, like, man.

Rudy: 2:59:55

Yeah. And you begin to avoid or you detach, you know, emotionally, you know, and, and like, I honestly, like my marriage now, like it's a different world. Like, I thought before, like, honestly, I thought before we had an amazing marriage. Like, honestly, like, we have problems, but, like the intimacy with her, things we could talk about.

Omar: 3:00:20

Yeah.

Rudy: 3:00:20

Yeah. Like, the things I could share, you know, and, and like, I can feel like she sees me. Like, I feel like I see her differently, you know, you know, like we're one, you know, like we're dancing together, like, like a waltz, you know, it's never like that, you know, like, you know, I don't know that I've seen it, like the things that I'm not saying better or worse, like, like, I've not seen this, you know. I'm not, I'm not seeing it, and so it's, it's caused me to be very wary of, of just even the, I pour my time into, you know, and, and because like, man, it just, I, I realized I have so much pride. There was so many things I was, I was, you know, my, my heart in it, you know, what it was, you know, and, and, and obviously I love the Lord and, and my heart was to, to tell people about the goodness, what He had done in my life, you know. But it, it become like just, you know, a detached like messenger, you know, like God wanted to go deeper, you know, and I, I would fight him,

Omar: 3:01:33

but now you're, you're, uh, reaping the fruit of it, man. Like, you know where you're at, you know, your marriage, like it's beautiful to see man, like the joy in you and your wife, you know, like you, like you, you. You could visually see it, you know, and like,

Rudy: 3:01:52

but,

Omar: 3:01:52

but also

Rudy: 3:01:52

see the triggers, like I would walk in church. I don't know if you would see it. Like I would walk in church and I would feel like, like before I would use my charisma real easily. I'm like, Hey, what's up? But all of a sudden I was walking in there and I was like, I was feeling detached. I wasn't talking to people because things that were coming out was triggering me, but I was, I was accepting it. I was trying to, I was, I was, I was not hiding it anymore. I wasn't, I can easily go to you and be like, what's up bro, how you doing? But man, I was, I was like hurt. Like I was, these things were coming out. I was, I was, I was, you know, and, and now I had to process it. You don't want to come up. I've heard like with you and seen God do things with you and and then I'd be hurt You know because I wasn't to tech anymore and I see other and and and all these different hurts are coming up and now I mean I'm feeling and I told you like I even wanted to leave the church you know and go to a different church and and and it was just like almost like when I told you like You know when I was doing those tanks and stuff and I was gonna go to you know, Wisconsin So yeah, and it was just that again Full circle, just leave, just go to another place. And I'm telling you, I was there and the preacher was like, I don't know who this person is, but you don't belong here. This is not, you should not be here. It's like, you're like a tree that's planted and your roots are deep and when you get pulled out you would destroy everything around you. And I had just finished praying. Like, God, is this the church? Is this what you want? Tell me. I'm listening. And so like now I'm having to face, you know, and I'm, I'm sitting there and these feelings are coming out. And my first reaction is nah, man, you know, I'm not going to deal with that. Like, because I'm good at talking with people, you know, this is so cars, you know, so real estate, you know, you know, it's worked at a store, you know, no one to sell things, you know, but I'm not doing that anymore. I'm not, you know, and if I feel a certain way, I feel that way, I'm going to feel it. I'm trying to, at least, I don't have it together, man, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just trying. I'm just, I'm listening. I'm just following him. And sometimes they don't make no, like feelings come out and I'm just like, Oh, you know, you know? Oh, and, um. You

Omar: 3:04:26

know, I'm just processing it. Hey man, hey man, you're on the journey, you know. Yeah. Man, it's, I think I shared with you too, that I had told my wife, like, man, I, I, cause she's, that's something that she's brought up about counseling, you know, like. Yeah. So that's something that I've heard and, uh, from the last few, not, not just a few podcasts, like even beforehand, it's been coming up, guys mentioning how, uh, how it's benefited them, how it's helped them. process, heal, you know, themselves, so, and benefit the relationships that they're in. So it's definitely something that definitely if you're watching and listening to the story, you should definitely consider doing that. Yeah. Christian counseling. Yeah.

Rudy: 3:05:04

You know, one of the things with my counselor, first thing we do is we pray. Amen. Yeah. It's the first thing we do, you know, and, and at first I wasn't, at first I would come in and come in hot, you know, and I just, something was like, man, why aren't you praying?

Omar: 3:05:21

Going off praying, man. Before we started, you asked me, what was the longest interview? I think I told you, yeah, it was like 220, 230. We're like at three hours, man. But anyways, Rudy, man, any final word? And then if you want to close us out in prayer. Any, you know, anything that comes to mind?

Rudy: 3:05:41

I think just, I think it's going to be okay. Like, I think everything has a purpose. And our God is good, He's faithful, you know, I think sometimes we get confused because of the pain that we've been through. It's a hard place to go, a hard place to trust anybody, but you've got to start trusting Him and, you know, allowing Him to prune you, you know, so that you can bear fruit, you know. And, and that's just my encouragement, you know, my encouragement is to. A lot. My encouragement, dude, I'm sorry. You know, my, my encouragement is to allow him to, to, to peel you like an onion, you know, and, and to, and to ask, you know, the, the tough things, you know, when you, when you see those crossroads, man, let, let them lead you, you know, I don't know what it looks like for different people. It's always looks different.

Omar: 3:06:40

Right.

Rudy: 3:06:41

You know, uh, but for me, man, it's, it's been that, like, like, I get so frustrated and there's a crossroads and it's just like, okay, God, how, how, how do you want to do this? Like, I don't know how. And I think that's when your pride goes out the window. Can you, you can't handle an issue or something that you could finally, God can finally speak to you, you know? But, yeah, man, with that, let's, let's pray. Amen, amen. Let's pray. Father God, we come before you in the mighty name of Jesus, through the power of your Holy Spirit, Father. Father, I know there's so many people that are hurting, Lord. So many men, Lord, that are good at just smiling. So many men that are good at, Father, just, just, Father, making other people laugh and making it sound like it's all good, Lord. And yet they're hurting, yet they're suffering in silence, Lord. Yet, Father, they're holding back from you. They're, they're, they're They're not wanting, Father, to, to allow you into that deep part of their heart, Lord. And I pray right now, Father God, that, um, Father, that they would know that you're tugging at their heart, that you're wanting to heal them. You're wanting to touch them, Lord. You're wanting, uh, Father, to, to unveil them, Father, to sit with them, Lord, and, and so they could feel your love, so they could feel your goodness, Lord. And I know it's hard. But I'm just praying that you would follow him and and I know the Holy Spirit will lead you There would be a breakthrough that there would be deep healing Lord I'm just I'm praying that for them and I'm just continue to pray that for myself and even my brother Omar here And I just thank you right now in the mighty name of Jesus Amen,

Omar: 3:08:22

amen, man. Thank you brother for coming on here and sharing your Journey and Yeah, definitely. And sounds like definitely you're still going through it, you know, you're still working and man, that's, that's encouraging, you know, like, uh, for, for me to hear, like I said, when, when I heard you share your testimony, like that's a theme that's been coming up recently, like healing, like I believe God, God, God wants to, like, heal me, heal others. And it's, it's definitely something that I, that I'm sensing. I guess that's why I, I know, and I knew we needed to have this. Yeah. And I know this conversation's gonna bless many and God willing, it'll give them that, uh. That courage to, uh, maybe turn that key of counseling or whatever it is, or maybe the first step is coming to coming to God. Yeah. Maybe they don't have a relationship with God. You know, maybe it's come like you, like you crying out to God, to Jesus, you know, when your brother led you in that, uh, prayer to make Jesus Christ, I'll say that's the first step, man. If you don't have a relationship with God, start there, call out to Jesus, ask him to become Lord and savior of your life. you know, just confess, you know that you're a sinner in need of a savior. And I say, you know, the, the, the Lord Jesus to, to fill you, to basically take the, the, the seed and the throne of your heart. You know? Mm, no, no, no, no longer let it be you. I think you mentioned like, man, I, I'm, I'm my own, my own God, right? Like, nah. Yeah. We can be this is only one God and we gotta allow him to be God in our lives, right? Yeah, you got nothing. No, but uh, thank you. Thank you for being out here. Thank you for sharing your story And with that we're gonna wrap up Matthew 4 16 reads The people who sat in darkness have seen a great light and upon those who sat in the region and shadow of death Light has dawned alongside my brother rudy soto. I'm your host omar calvillo and we are wrong too strong

3:10:11

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