"Rise As Lions" - From the ashes of Fear, Shame & Rejection w/ Rob Decker

In this podcast episode Rob Decker joins me all the way from Colorado Springs, Colorado.  After years of abuse, addiction, a desperate search for praise and approval, and living in unbearable pain and isolation, Rob Decker reached a breaking point that drove him to take drastic measures. After a failed sui--de attempt and a friend not giving up on him, Rob woke up alive with a new lease on life.
Rob has dedicated his life to helping others and taking the stigma out of recovery. He is very passionate about sharing his testimony with others and helping them break the chains of addiction through support and mentorship. He knows everyone is capable of turning their life around and he is eager to be a part of that process. He and his wife have three children and they reside in Colorado.

https://RiseAsLions.Org
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Transcript

Omar: 0:15

Hello, everyone. Welcome to another episode of wrong to strong Chicago. I'm your host. My name is Omar Calvillo. Uh, and tonight we have my brother Rob Decker. He's joining us all the way from Colorado. Uh, so I want to thank my brother for being out here tonight. Uh, man, this brother has an awesome testimony. Uh, been through a lot and, and God's done a lot, so I can't wait for you guys to, to hear his story. So, w w welcome to, to the podcast, Rob. Hey, man. Thank you.

Rob: 0:42

I appreciate you, man. Um, what an honor just to get an invite, cause I know that I'm out here in Colorado. So, um, thank you so much, man.

Omar: 0:50

I'm honored. Hey, man. You know what? We're going to give a quick shout out to Sean Ray. He, he's out there in, Colorado as well. Uh, Sean's been on the podcast, uh, he's been out here in person as well. Uh, and he's the one that, uh, connected me with. Rob he told me about him, told me about his ministry. If you guys get a chance, go out there is, uh, rise as lions.org. And uh, I definitely, towards the end, I'm gonna give my brother an opportunity to share out whatever links, whatever platforms he's got out there so you guys could get, in touch with what he's doing. He's doing, uh, amazing work out there. Uh, but we're gonna get into all that. You know what, bro? Could you tell us where did you grow up? Cause I believe you, you didn't grow up in Colorado, right? I believe you were out there in California. No man, Colorado

Rob: 1:29

was that affordable place that we could move to and buy a house, bro. Hey, I'm from California, man. I'm from the Bay area. I'm from San Jose, California. Um, Campbell, San Jose area. Um, but we moved out here. Probably about five years ago, um, my wife and I actually came out here on our honeymoon and just kind of fell in love with it, man. And what's really crazy about that story is my, my, my wife didn't have like a really deep relationship with the Lord at that point. And, uh, when we came out here. Like her words to me were I believe God wants us to move here And that moved me so much because i'm like if that if god said that to you boo, like, you know, let's do it Let's do it. And uh, so we did so we saved up for a couple few years and paid off all of our bills and we ended up in In colorado before I got uh too hectic out here because now it's now it's grown really really fast man. Um, I know i'll

Omar: 2:28

go ahead but I was gonna say like as far as people like, uh, it's like expanding

Rob: 2:32

I think it's I think it's the first or second fastest growing city in the united states right now And funny like, uh, god checked me. So I was like, yo lord, you know Why did you move us here? Like we were trying to go somewhere a little bit more subtle a little bit more laid back And, and what happened was when we saved up all of our money and paid off our bills, um, we actually were doing virtual house tours. We weren't coming out here to look at houses. So there was a big chunk of time that had passed where the city started growing and we didn't know it. And so I was having a conversation with God and I'm like, like, why would you even bring us here? Like, like I was almost. upset at him for it. And he checked me real quick, dude. He was just like, well, maybe because I want you to be a staple in that community and just with the love and the authority of that, like, oh my, you know, sorry, dad, my bad

Omar: 3:25

dad, man. Amen. Now what was the that you're in? I'm

Rob: 3:29

in Colorado Springs. So me and Sean live in the same city. So Sean and I kick it like, uh, last, Was it not? Was it last Saturday? The Saturday before last, him and I were working out together and I'm sure you saw the pictures. Yeah. Yeah. Some video clips. Yeah. Trying to get my boy working on some deadlifts, man. Gotcha.

Omar: 3:49

Alright, brother. But you know what? We're going to go to the beginning now. Can you tell us how life was growing up in California? Yeah,

Rob: 3:56

man. Um, a lot of sunshine, bro. Well, not so much sunshine in my life, but, um, you know, I, I grew up in a house, uh, you know, when I was in, in kindergarten, when I was about five, just turning six years old, uh, you know, I came home one day and I got a diploma from my kindergarten class. Uh, come home and I'm all excited to show it to my parents and my parents, uh, set me aside and my, my dad informed me that he wasn't my real father and, uh, I think that that did a number on me, man, little boy. And, you know, uh, In that moment, I found out that my sister wasn't my full sister because, you know, that was his daughter. Um, you know, and so I truly believe that that kind of started to do a number on me. And I think also what happened is, you know, well, if you ain't my real dad, where is my real dad? And why don't, why don't I know him, you know, kind of thing. And so it was kind of a two for one deal. And I think that started, I can guarantee, you know, there was trouble in my heart before that moment based on, um, the things that were going on in my house. But I think as I started to get older. You started hearing more of the fights, the violence, seeing the violence, bro. Like, uh, my dad struggled with authority big time. And I remember cops coming over to the house and my dad taking on four or five, six cops at a time. I mean, my dad was a bad dude, man. Marine fighter. Like, I mean, he was sought off. He was just, he was just a bad dude. You know, he's a bad dude. And, you know, I'd watch them take on all these cops, man. And when I was about. Eight or nine years old, one of the neighborhood kids came over to the house and got me to get into the closet and, um, did some stuff to me, man. And that kid's father and my father were actually friends. And I think due to the confusion and the shame, I couldn't take that information to my dad. Over the next few years, you know, I started sneaking around the house. Digging into my parents stuff and I started finding pornography and I started thumbing through that pornography at a very young age and, I started really like that was probably one of my first addictions. was more the pornography stuff. Um, and as time went on, like things in my house got rougher, you know, there were more fights, more police called. I walked in on drug use. There was always late night parties in my house. There was, I grew up in a time like things are much different now, bro. I mean, I'm 45. You know, domestic violence was different when I was a kid, like, you know, you could beat the crap out of, you know, your significant other and you'd be out that same night, you know, it was, it was just a different time. And I, you know, I saw a lot of that, you know, I saw a lot of that, um, by the time I was about. 14 years old, I met a girl, you know, I started high school, met a girl and up to this point, I hadn't started drinking or using drugs yet, even though it was around me all the time. And I remember my girlfriend's parents were out of town. So her dad's best friend was asked to kind of watch us. Well, instead of watching us, he, he bought us alcohol and neither of us had ever drank before. And. Um, he got us both drunk and then I watched a grown man take advantage of my girlfriend, my 14 year old girlfriend right in front of me. Um, you know, between being molested, the pornography and then seeing that, that set me off onto a certain like path when it came to intimacy and relationships. But what also happened that night was with all the chaos that was going on at home, all the trouble, all the fighting, the disconnect between me and my dad, like getting drunk that night, numbed me. And I fell in love with being numbed, right? And so now at 14 years old, you know, I've been catapulted into, self medicating, right? Because once I started, I really liked it, man. I mean, I felt like crap the next day, don't get me wrong. Um, but I think the pros for me at the time weighed out the cons of like, man, I can just numb myself out. And so for the next few years, man, I just drank. And, you know, when I started to dabble into drugs. And, I started getting into a lot of trouble at school. There was so much like, you know, chaos in my house. No one cared if I really went to school, man, that wasn't a thing. At this point, I was only going to school to kick it with the homies, man, to go smoke weed, weed in the Creek. And, back in the day it was the gin and juice, you know, um, getting, you know, with the homies before, before class and stuff like that. And so I really didn't get much out of, out of high school, you know, and it got so bad. I struggled from a, from a young age with the thoughts of like suicide and stuff like that. Um, my buddy and I, uh, used to be cutters. We used to cut ourselves and, you know, I know that I had a lot of pain and angst from a very young age. And when I was about 17, I remember going to the drive ins and I was in the back of my buddy's Mustang. Oh, I was in the trunk and you know, he snuck us in and we thought we were cool. We were drunk sneaking into the drive ins and I remember him popping the trunk and I'm jumping out and I'm making all this racket. Well, the dude next to us and his Impala, he didn't like the chaos that we were creating and so he said something to me. So I said something back and I remember him popping the trunk and pulling out a shotgun and putting it to my chest and in that moment, bro, uh, I was just like, do it. You know, do it, bro, you know, and that was just kind of my mindset. That was just kind of the like where I was in this life As time went on why if cops end up showing up and basically it's so crazy to reflect Now because the cops show up to the scene of the crime and guess who's fighting all the cops I wonder where I learned that from. Oh, so

Omar: 10:14

now you're repeating what you've seen.

Rob: 10:17

Correct. So now I'm having an issue with authority because like in my mind I didn't feel like I did anything wrong. Right. And now I'm going to jail for uh, attacking police officers and, um, I remember throwing one to the ground and just being like tackled by four or five of them, man, and getting hemmed up and, you know, constantly getting in that kind of trouble. Yeah. How, how old were you at this time? I was probably about 17, 17 or 18 years old. And I probably spent. Two or three trips in juvenile hall for some stuff. I was falsely accused of armed robbery at one point, and did some time for that. And it's great because I, I, I honestly didn't do it, and I ended up doing 30 days and they couldn't hit me with the charge or whatever. But, you know, that was just kind of the pattern of my life. The bulk of my twenties, I really don't remember most of them, to be honest with you. I mean, I was having the drugs, I was having an alcohol. I probably had Two or three really amazing jobs that I threw away because at some point my drug and alcohol addiction and my ability to keep clear head or one fire caused trouble. Just kept interfering with my employment on some level, right? Because it would make it back to work and I would, I would lose jobs. By the time I was 29, I met a young lady. And got really involved with her, and she was about 20, I think, 20 or 21. I was 20, 29, and, we got into a pretty, uh, heavy relationship pretty quickly. And that started getting a little out of hand. I mean, it, it became physical to the point where I had to leave the relationship because I was afraid of what was going to happen, where it was going to go. But during our break In that that relationship, she turned to escorting. One of my homies, uh, ended up turning her out and, and getting her into escorting. And then I found out about it. And the crazy part was. At this point in my life, I had these brothers in my life that, that were always preaching Jesus to me, man. And I, I remember, I remember I'd be like, man, I'm glad that works for you. It's just not for me. I'm not saying he ain't the man or he ain't God or like, it's just not for me, bro. Like I'm, I'm not denying his deity. I'm just denying that. You know, I want to get right,

Omar: 12:32

right now, as far as these buddies, like before them, had anybody else ever like reached out to you, you know, talking about God and like in your life when you were younger, other than that,

Rob: 12:44

you know, that's a, you know, it's crazy. So I grew up Catholic. Um, I grew up in the Cal, I was baptized Catholic and, you know, God was more of a individual to be feared in my home. You know, that was kind of more the angle, but, you know, going back to my original story of when my dad told me he wasn't my real dad. Um, Uh, I vividly remember leaving that situation and walking down the street like I can see it clear as day, I can see the concrete before my feet, and I remember, I remember just saying to myself like it was being told to me, it's okay because God's my father, like, so, so I believe that someone was praying for me, there was something there, the Holy Spirit was speaking to me, whatever it was, so, but that was my only, You know, real interaction that I can remember, but you know, my relationship with God was more of a fear based based on, my, my parents version of Catholicism, at least my mom's side of it. Right. Um, my dad was kind of like, there's a big man upstairs, but you know, uh, he wasn't really deep into religion or faith or Jesus, you know what I'm saying? So, But I remember these brothers and it was such a supernatural experience, man. We were in California. It was super hot outside. So we went into this air air conditioned room and you know, everyone's talking about the Lord. They just did a Bible study. And they asked me if I wanted to receive Jesus, and my reality was, you know, I showed up to this because I was an alcoholic, I was a coke head, you know, I was popping pills, uh, you know, I was sleeping around, I wasn't working, like, I had nothing going for me, and at the time I didn't even have my license, I was just, I didn't have much going on, man, and, um, I said, yeah, I'm ready to do this, like, not really comprehending, like, what I'm asking for, or inviting in, and, um, Man, these brothers started praying over me and all of a sudden, uh, I started shaking like uncontrollably, like, but I'm not fearful. I'm not scared of anything. And, and, uh, and then I started breaking out in sweats, you know, I'm just like, I'm in the air conditioned room, bro. You know, like it was, uh, so anyways, I had this amazing supernatural experience and I walked away from that refreshed, yeah. But you know how the devil works, you know, how the enemy works. I found out this

Omar: 15:01

kind of like the story with, with, with the seeds. Well, when the seeds are sown, right. And he'll come and try to snatch it up, man. Right.

Rob: 15:09

Oh, he tried to snatch something up. He's ready to snatch something up and throw people out windows. Like, and we'll get to that. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

Omar: 15:16

definitely. We'll get to that.

Rob: 15:18

But you know, I, I went back into my, my world and, I found out that this young lady was escorting. And you know, I still cared for her. I mean, even though we broke up, I still cared for her. Right. And, you know, I threw my cape on, I threw my Jesus on, I was like, I'm gonna go save this girl. I had no business, bro. No business. And, and I jumped back into a relationship with her. And, uh, at this point she has a full set of clients. Like this is her job. This is what she does is how she makes money. This is how she pays rent, bro. And, as we were trying to work out that relationship, she had this one last, trip that she had to go on. And, so she heads out, she heads out to Hawaii and while she's there, she's calling me and she's telling me like what had happened to her, everything short of, he beat me and raped me. Like, She said it without saying it. Right. And then she was sending me pictures of black eyes. Wow. And she's like, yeah, I got hit with a surfboard. Bro, you know how many people I punched in the face? Like, I know what being hit in the eye with a fist looks like. That's not a surfboard. Anyway, she was getting beaten. And she was being raped over there. So, she had pled with me. And she had, said when I get back. You know, I want to, I want to, I really want to focus on our relationship and work this out and I'm like, cool, you know, and, and the day she was getting back, I was kicking it with some boys. We were watching the Lakers playoff game and, we're drinking and she came and got me. We went to the liquor store, picked up a bottle, went back to her, her spot. She lived in a three story loft in Santa Clara, kind of out where the 49ers play now. and we, we started engaging in conversation and, you know, we came out of a relationship that was abusive. Um, She, she had just got raped, she had just got beaten and we're over here trying to like have a like a real conversation and I'm intoxicated and, um,

Omar: 17:12

at this point does she, is she still showing the effects of that beating? Is she still

Rob: 17:16

like, she had some a little bit, but it wasn't. Yeah. Okay. Um, there was some residual. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, it just wasn't as bad as the original picture that I saw. Um, Because I think she was there for a good week, and so I think it may happen the first or second night. Yeah, yeah. So, um, So, we get into this, we basically get into an argument at this point, and I decide to go downstairs to get some rest. And, uh, sleep on her little sofa, or her little futon, or foldout, or whatever. And all of a sudden, like, I wake up to a banging at the door. And it's like, oh, police, Rob Decker, we know you're in there, open up. I'm like, like, huh? And here she comes down the stairs and, uh, I ask her, you're like, you know, what's going on? And she said, I called the cops and I told, told them that you raped me and that you tried to kill me. And in that moment, man, I was like I just can't do this anymore. Like, I just can't live this way. Like, this didn't, I mean, there was, there was fear. There was confusion. There was betrayal. Um, there was adrenaline. There was, there was so many, there was just so much going on emotionally. And I was just like, I'm over this. So I ran headfirst out of a third story loft window. With the intention of, uh, breaking my neck and killing myself. And I jumped through that window. It was closed. I jumped through that window. Broke through the glass. My foot clipped an awning, changed my fall. And I survived it. With a severed spine, two broken arms, and a collapsed lung. And, uh. I remember the ambulance showing up. I never blacked out, man. I never blacked out. I remember the pain. Uh, I could hardly breathe and I remember going to the hospital and um, after a 10 hour surgery, I woke up to the detectives coming in, shackling me to the bed, handcuffing me to the bed, hitting me with rape and attempted murder. 1 million bail. Wow. And they said the reason they arrested me because they felt me to be a flight risk. I had a severed spine and a severed spine. And uh, so yeah, I don't, you know, insult, injury, kick a dead horse, however you want to look at it, man. But you know, this is when God really started working in my life because, when I was laying there, I remember, I had 24 hour surveillance. So, I mean, you know how it works when you get arrested in the hospital and like you get no visitors, right? Just treated like jail. You get no visitors. And then, you, you have like cops that are taking shifts. Well, there was one police officer who was just grilling me and he was just like, he was being so nasty, bro. And he kept talking about like what the brothers in prison, because she was a sister, what the brothers in prison were going to do to me, you know, based on what I did to her and. Oh man, and, and I just broke. I started crying and I was like, you know, officer, you know, sir, you know, I've done a lot of bad things in my life. But that's just not something I would do. You know, you know, I, I loved, I loved that girl. I cared for her and maybe I didn't do it the right way. But that's not something I would ever do. And I just start breaking down. And I remember a nurse coming in is like, Mr Decker, you need to calm down because we can't have your heart rate elevated. So I, you know, I had a large, a huge surgery. And then my My body was rejecting the blood transfusions. They kept pumping me full of blood, but my body kept rejecting it. And so I was having a hard time, you know, um, receiving that. So she's like, I can't have your blood pressure up, you need to calm down. And as the nurse is leaving, all of a sudden, you know, my ex walks in, disguised, she's got a weave on, she's got some glasses on, she comes in with her sister, she's got a folder in her hand, and All of a sudden the cough, he, like everything just shifts inside of him. He's like, is that who I think that is? I'm like, yeah, that's, that's her. And he goes, well, that doesn't make sense. Right. And so he, he escorts her out. And, um, last time I ever see her, not the last time I ever hear from her, but it's the last time I ever seen her. Later that night I'm laying in bed, you know, bro. And I got like. Tubes coming out of my neck, pads on my chest for blood pressure. I got oxygen in my nose. You know, I got, uh, external fixator on one arm, uh, a cast on the other. I got a back brace, you know, I'm sorry. Morphine drip like, man, I'm, I'm a wreck bro. Like I'm, I can't move. I have no lower body, like nothing, man. And, uh, There were just so much chaos in the hospital, you know, with the lights being on and doctors constantly and the medication. And bro, I was just laying there and I just asked God, like, what do we do? Like what happens from here? And bro, like all of a sudden this overwhelming calm, comes over me, like all the noises, everything just kind of shuts out. Everything just shuts out for a moment. The pain just kind of dissipates and, and I hear clearly, uh, the charges will be dropped, your bills will be paid, and you will walk again. And I, and I doze off, man. And I, I wake up, um, all the pains, everything's back, everything's back. One of the cops that comes to, you know, monitor me comes in, he's like, yo, Decker, I just want to let you know. That they're going to drop the charges Cops will be in here this weekend to let you go and i'm like snap, you know, like wow, like he's good, you know Yeah, yeah And it wasn't the same detectives that arrested me, that released me, but these guys were loving, they were caring, they were like, we only want the best for you man, good luck Mr. Decker, like, take care of yourself, like, they were, they were some cool dudes, uh, cause at a later date the detectives tried to come sideways at me again, but, and then what happened was, is, uh, now I'm allowed to have, So my mom comes to see me, man, and I see her in the hallway, her, her face is buried in her hands. Like she's bawling her eyes out. And I'm already knowing like the doctor's telling her that I will never walk again. Like I just knew I knew it. She comes in, she's like, Hey honey, how are you? Like, uh, mom, like, you know, I'm like, what's up? You know, come on, let it out. You know, let, let me know mom. And she's like, I had nothing, everything's gonna be alright, and I'm like, Mom, come on, like, yeah, like, you're, like, not, everything's not gonna be alright, like, you know, I saw what happened out there, and I said, Mom, did they say I will never walk again, and she just broke, just like, yeah, son, and I'm like, don't worry about that, you know, don't worry about that, and, uh, she walks up next to me, bro, and My mom and I had a very dysfunctional relationship. My mom was 17 years old when she had me, my mom was raped. She was beaten. You know, she ran away from home. You know, she has this little boy hoping to love something and for something to love her back. You know, you know, my mom went through her own hell. Right. And here she is looking at her baby boy, her firstborn and the torment that I'm going through. Right. And my mom just looks at me and she says, I wish everything had ended for you that day. And you know what I heard? I love you, son. I don't want you to be in pain no more. She saw 29 years of torture in my life, the pain in my life, man. And she just wanted it to go away and she didn't want to hurt anymore. Like my mom did. So, um, shortly after that nurses come in, neurosurgeon comes in. Hey, we're going to perform another back surgery because at this point I couldn't even sit up in my bed like there was no use in my legs. I was in too much pain. Um, it just wasn't going to happen. I have another surgery and I'm down for a couple of days. They come back and they're like, we're going to try to get you to walk today. And I remember getting up. Like sitting up and I was just like kind of blown away like, oh, I'm sitting up and then my feet hit the ground. I'm like, well, my feet are on the ground like and and the nurse starts to walk me out into the hallway and I'm so excited because even though I'm not really walking, I'm dragging a foot and I'm walking with a leg. I am like, I'm excited. I'm excited'cause like I'm gonna walk again. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? I mean, to the point where the nurse was holding onto me and she said, go ahead and try to walk. And I took off, bro. Like I went Usain Bolt, bro. Just ha, you know? And I ran into the wall. Oh yeah. I ran into the wall and I started laughing at myself, but I was just excited that I could walk and, um.

Omar: 26:28

Now at this point you said you only had strength in one leg?

Rob: 26:31

My right leg. My left leg, um, my left leg I could drag. But it wasn't a walking motion by any stretch of the imagination. Well another one of the trippy things was like getting out of bed and seeing myself in the mirror for the first time. Like I'm like, who is that dude? Like I thought someone else was in the room with me. My truth was, dude, I was 215 pounds of solid muscle. When I jumped out of that window, um, when I was able to get up and walk, I was about 155, so I didn't recognize the skinny sucked up dude. That was lumped over dragging his feet. Like what? Wow. To not even recognize yourself is quite an experience within itself though. Um, but eventually, you know, I ended up having, uh, to get to go home. I get to go home and, I, I start to stay with my mom and, and I think that's where some of my healing started taking place. You know, my mom was willing to take me in and here's, here's, uh, Something crazy. I mean, it's all crazy. Um, my last conversation with my mom before I jumped out of that window was F you mom. That was the last thing I ever said to my mom, but she was the first at the hospital. We were going through some stuff. She accused me of something. There was just a misunderstanding, bro. And, and, and here I am F you and my mom, you know, and uh, my mom brings me into her house after I attempted suicide. Brings me into her home. Like, and, and at one point that hit me so hard and I remember she came home from work one day and she walks in the door and I'm, I'm bawling my eyes out and I'm just like, thank you. Thank you mom for being my mom. Thank you for taking care of me. And my mom sits down with me and she starts to open up to me about the things I just shared about her life. Okay. Like I, I didn't know these things about my mom. I didn't know how she was. I mean, she was mom, like mom's up here. Dad's up here, like their mom and dad, bro. So my mom starts to tell me about her life story. And then she shifts into my dad's life story and just hearing the brokenness and the trauma and, and, you know, what brought them together, you know, it was just two little kids trying to raise some kids, man, some broken individuals. And in that moment, you know, I looked at my mom and my dad, like they were just broken humans like me. And what I realized was I had to forgive both of them. I had to forgive them for the, what I expected from them, the things they did for me, the things they didn't do for me, like none of that stuff even mattered anymore. Cause they were just broken humans. Just like me, and I believe that was the process, like the beginning stages of like my healing from the inside and, um, so I continued, you know, a relationship with both of them for years to come. Um,

Omar: 29:28

you know, we're really real quick. Like, like, I know just you sharing that. I believe like more people need to find out their parents history. Like, I know there's a lot of people that grew up like in broken homes and it's easy to blame mom and dad for the way we are now. You know, like you mentioned for what they did or what they didn't do, but I think it's important to ask mom, ask dad, you know, how was life growing up? How was grandpa and grandma like on, let's say mom's side? And then you find out the history and then you get to see, like you mentioned, why they themselves were broken and they didn't know any better. Like you mentioned, kids raising kids. So I think it's important. I just wanted to touch on that for anybody

Rob: 30:06

that's listening. I think it's beautiful. Well, because too, bro, like I think, you know, if you really want to be a healed person, like you have to forgive. Forgiveness is key to all of it. I mean, the Lord asks you like, Hey, forgive, like leave your gift here at the altar. Go forgive. You know, you need to go forgive and the importance of forgiveness is not only for us, but it is for other people like You know, I maintained a relationship with my dad over the next 10 years And because I had a heart of forgiveness and understanding and I don't think he knew what I knew about him Okay, he didn't he didn't know that I knew But one day my dad calls me up and he's like, yo, son, I don't know why you talk to me. I don't know why you love me. I did nothing but try to ruin you and I never wanted you to be better than me. Wow. And you know what I heard, son, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And I love you. I believe my dad felt responsible for my drug and alcohol addiction. My failed suicide attempt. He felt like he had a heavy hand in all of it. And all I could tell my dad was, you're my dad and I love you. We hang up, bro. Couple days later, I get a phone call. Hey, Uncle Rob. Uh, Grandpa's dead. My dad knew he was on his way out. And he wanted peace between me and him. Here's the thing. He always had peace with me, but he needed peace before he went. Before he went. And, and when I mentioned my dad, like, he was my dad who raised me, because I have a biological story. Uh, I'll just jump into that. So, um, a couple years My Uh, a couple years pass and I'm driving and I hear reach out to your dad and at this point I know what that voice is saying because my dad is dead, right? But but I have a biological father out there. So I reach out to him and he, uh, yeah, yesterday was his 2 year anniversary of his death. So he responds. He says, I don't know how to tell you this, but I have 6 months to live. I said, Okay, what are we doing here, Lord? What are we doing here? Because sign me up. I'm in. Let's go. And so over the next five and a half months, um, I developed a relationship with him through Facebook Messenger alone. And that's it. No phone calls, no text messages, no Zoom, Facebook Messenger. His health got to such a poor place because he had stage four, uh, bladder cancer. Both my dads had very bad drug and alcohol and smoking. Like a lot of addiction, right? Similar stuff, my dad was so bad off, like, I had to go out to go visit him before he passed away, so I did, I took a plane out to Washington, I went to go visit him, and I remember the first night him coming out, and, you know, he, um, My family's Norwegian, so they got like, you know, you know, you know those dudes look like bro. I'm just a run. I'm the run. Was

Omar: 33:03

it like a Viking or that's what comes to my

Rob: 33:06

mind. Yeah, yeah. Like, so, um, like my cousins, they look like they're straight out of, like, um, the man was all frail and just sunk, sucked up and suck. Like, and I remember it just took him a moment to like, even gather himself. And we made eye contact and he's like, Hey buddy, how's it going? I'm like, what's up dad? How are you doing? And you know, he reaches out to, I mean, this guy, he's got nothing. He's reaching out and he pulls in with all of his might and all the strength and he's holding me and I'm like, Hey, dad, I love you. I just want you to know that I love you. And, and he just kind of sat in it for a minute, bro. And, and he just broke down crying and he got up and he went back to his room. And then I didn't see him for another day and a half. And, I had to go back home. So I go in there. He's laying there. Yeah. Shallow breaths, sunken eyes, like, he's not there, he's just, he's not there. And I grab his hand, and I put my hand on his knuckle, and I'm like, hey dad, um, I gotta go home now. I gotta go be with my family, you know. And uh, I just wanna let you know that you've been forgiven, and that I love you. Like, no matter what has happened in this life, it doesn't matter. I'm here and I love you. Gotta go home. And out of nowhere, bro, mouth doesn't move. Nothing. I hear. No, not yet. Clear as day. And my dad didn't want me to leave. And I broke bro. I buckled man. And I spent a couple more minutes there with him. But he just wasn't there. You know, he wasn't there. He was there, but he wasn't there. Yeah. And then I get home a couple days later, I get the phone call and Mike is gone. Mike is gone. Um, and I share those stories because their stories of forgiveness. Like I forgave my dad a long time ago, which I believe opened up the door for them to like invite me in when they were ready. and I know they both know that I was a Christian. They both know I love Jesus. And for me. That forgiveness and that interaction May just been enough for them to receive god into their heart, bro You know, even if it was in their last breath on their deathbed because my dad that died earlier Bro, he was having a heart attack high on meth Smoking cigarettes as he's going to his oxygen machine, bro, and he he he never made it. He never made it and uh Yeah, it's a crazy visual to have yeah, no, right, right But, but, but to think that the Lord was standing over him and like, you've been prayed for, like are you ready to come home son? Like whatever that interaction was between them two, I have that much faith. That god has that much love and mercy and listens to the prayers and answers our prayers like that, you know Um, and that was the vision that I was given with my dad my my my biological father. I was actually given a vision of baptizing him And when I didn't get an opportunity to baptize him Um, it was one of those situations where I called god out again, like the whole colorado springs thing. Why am I here? I'm, like yo, you gave me a vision that I was going to baptize my dad in the tub And then he checked me, bro. Of course, what, you know, he said, I'm showing you in the spirit what he is receiving with you being there. And bro, I, again, dad, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, father. Right. He checked me. He checked me again. And so, you know, I think those stories are important because we need to forgive and we have to accept our parents because A lot of times they're adults and they're grown, but there's a little kid inside of them scared and broken and afraid and they, they get drug addicted and they start leaning into their, you know, uh, whatever addictions they are, whatever troubles that they have and they need mercy and grace and forgiveness as well. And so, you know, that's why I, I share those, those stories about my dad and I'm grateful to have those opportunities to say goodbye. To both of them, you know,

Omar: 37:19

yeah, yeah, no, that that that's deep. Like I said, a lot of people need to hear that. I know a lot of, you know, people, man, they still have maybe something against mom or dad and they need to do that, you know, extend that forgiveness, you know, because they might not get that chance, you know, to get that phone call to get that visit.

Rob: 37:35

So, yeah. And I hear a lot of those stories, you know, I mean, I'm, I'm a state certified peer recovery coach and, you know, I work in, you know, I have my own ministry and, you know, I work with a lot of people that have been exposed to trauma, drug and alcohol addiction, you know, um, to a whole nother level that I can't even fathom, bro, you know what I'm saying? And, you know, and a lot of the common denominators, well, every common denominator is the broken home and they're still holding something against, you Mom or dad or both, you know what I'm saying? Or, or to somebody that, that hurt them. Like I look at the little boy or the boy that, that, that did what he did to me in that closet. And I can't help to think of the grown man, uh, like looking back, thinking what happened to that boy? Yeah. That felt like he could go do that to me or that was okay. Like what man did that to him? What was he exposed to? That's what forgiveness is like being able to understand like it's not condoning anyone's behavior. You're not saying it's okay that it happened because it's never okay that it happens. Um, but you know, the love of the Lord cures all those things, you know what I'm saying? And so, um, just keeping all that kind of stuff in mind, you know, right. Um, I will jump back to my suicide attempt. Yeah. Yeah, we're just gonna be jumping all over the place. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Omar: 38:54

I, I believe we, we left off. You were in mom's house. You know, she had taken you in. You had a conversation with your, uh, dad.

Rob: 39:00

Yeah. You know, over the next four years. I was working on my own healing, you know, I was digging deeper in the scriptures going to church hanging out with some christian brothers You know, I still kept old homies. Like those are my boys like those it was still my family regardless man Those guys I did some dirt with like they At the end of the day, they loved me the way that they knew how to love me They you know, they brought me into their home So, you know, I was kind of living in two worlds, but it was you know It was just part of my journey, man. It was part of my journey and I still love all of them, you know? but even over the next four years of digging deeper with the Lord, you know, I was still struggling. I was still struggling with childhood trauma and childhood issues and, you know, not being able to address my emotions and, you know, second guessing a lot of things and, doubting a lot of stuff. And I was still running to the drugs and the alcohol for four years. And then I met a young lady, she was a senior in college and we met at the gym and we hit it off, man. And, uh, up to that point, I kept telling the Lord, like, I'm struggling. Like, I'm struggling with alcohol. I'm struggling with drugs. And I'm not strong enough to Like, I just, I can't quit it, Lord. I mean, you're going to have to interview me because I, I, I can't do it. And I, I met this young lady. And, I even remember the first night we went out to, to BJ's bar and grill and I ordered a pitcher of beer. And she goes, well, I don't want none of that. And I'm like, it's all good. That's all me. You know, man, like this is my pregame. Like, you know, we're just warming up right here. And, um, she's like, I don't like that. And in that moment, I'm like, Oh, is this it Lord? Is this it? Are you going to use that lady to get me sober? And, uh, you know, I, I, I killed the picture or whatever. Probably two, maybe three, who knows? Um, but I knew in that moment that like something was going to change. But, over the next nine months, and here I am bro, like Here I am like, living a good life. I almost took my life. I was told I would never walk again. Here I am like, I meet this young lady. Life is good. You know, I got most of my physique back. I gained a lot of my weight back. I was getting strong again. And here I am just goofing off. I'm goofing off with the alcohol and the drugs. And so for nine months of my relationship, the only thing that we fought about was my drinking. You know what I'm saying? She didn't know about the using stuff. Okay. She just, she just knew about the drinking. Like, the using stuff was low key, very discreet, but it was the drinking. Um, and it wasn't as often as I normally would have been doing it, right? And, um, she had graduated college, started a new job. And, um, I dropped her off to work that morning. Well, I had just got hernia. from all the weight training, I was pushing myself real hard because, you know, I only have one, one gear, bro. It's all in, you know, so even with all the damage in my body, I went all in in the gym, which, you know, I eventually started, I tore my abdomen and, and so I had to go get surgery and I was so bummed out that I had to have surgery that I decided to go hit the bottle for a day, uh, while, while she was at work and, uh, I was supposed to go pick her up. You know, I detoured somehow because I was so intoxicated and I ended up driving her car into somebody's property, running from the scene of the crime, falling into a creek and uh, hiding under somebody's house. And I remember just being under that house and uh, it was cold, man. It was cold and I could see the lights, like I could hear all the cops, I could hear all the commotion. And, um, she was calling me on the phone, and my phone dies, so she, you know, she can't get a hold of me. And I'm laying in the house, and I'm just like, you know, Lord, uh, I need you to bail me out of this once. You know, here we are again. Here we are again. And, I said, you know, Lord, if you, if you bail me out of this situation and you don't have to, because you're a righteous judge, you are righteous. And I deserve, because here I am, I'm the number one salesman at a job. I was told I was never going to work again, that I was going to be living off a disability. I have my physical fitness, my body's back. I'm off of all my pain medications, bro. I was so scared of never being engaged in a relationship because who would want this broken beat up person with all these issues. And here I am got this fresh college graduate that's brilliant and beautiful. You know, I, I had it all going on, man. My life was good and here I am throwing it away. And, uh, as I'm laying under the house. The Lord shows up again in a big way and he starts to replay the last four years of my life, showing me how, how good I have it. He was showing me his mercy. He was showing me his grace. He was showing me his favor. He was showing me his love in the midst of my drunkenness, just like in the midst of being high on dilaudid and, uh, the morphine and how clearly he came through was another. Here we are again. I'm intoxicated, but yet here he is coming to clear his day to show me he shows me this video, man, and my heart just broke. My heart broke because I have disappointed and rejected God's grace. I've, I've, I've abused it. I've used it. And in that moment, I was like, bail me out of this situation. I'll never drink again. And in that moment, that's repentance. That's true repentance of the heart. Because I was so broken, um, all of a sudden this heaviness lifted off of me. And, the desire and the knowledge of never wanting to drink and use drugs again was lifted from me. I believe drug and alcohol abuse. Is a spiritual attack at least has deep spiritual roots and god broke it in that moment and so January 8th was my 11 years of sobriety. Yeah, and uh, you know I never ran back to it bro, because god had healed me. He had taken that away from me. But to go back to his grace I ended up going. Before the police and all that kind of stuff. And long story short, When I went to court, I only got like, 5 days of community service when they went to go look for the liquor in my car. It wasn't just floating in the car. It was. Somehow, some way the alcohol was in the trunk. of the car. It made its way to the trunk. So they couldn't get me for that. All they could get me for was a hit and run and fleeing the scene of the crime. Okay. And, talk about God's favor and grace. So a lot of why I don't drink. Well, it's been removed. I'm like, straight up like it was Jesus. Amen. You know, but a part of that too is the promise the promise that I promised him I would never go back to that any of it. And so as years went on I knew that God had to continue to transform my heart. And so I'm like, okay, why am I struggling with this? Why am I dealing with this like find it in the scriptures connect with some Christian brothers continue to pray about it God work this stuff all out of me and before you know it Like, you know, he's, he's transforming me and I'm growing and I'm maturing. You know, if you really think about it from the age of 14 to 34, I was drunk and high from zero to 14, I was abused. Right. 14 to 34, 20 years of abuse with abuse behind you. Like you're stagnant, you're stagnant in your brain. You're stagnant in your growth. You're stagnant in certain areas of your life. And so from 34 on, it's like, God wanted a man, he wanted to create a man. So we started working on me and I would say about. Seven years in, eight years in, a psychotherapist in the area of Colorado Springs, you know, he knew my story and he saw what I was doing in the community. He saw what I was doing with my life through, through fitness and, and playing sports, knowing all the damage that was done to my body, knowing that I was an ex addict and alcoholic. And he was like, hey man, I want you to co facilitate one of, uh, One of the classes over here, you know, in my facility, so he got me certified as a coach, but then all of a sudden, like these coaching jobs in these, these, opportunities to engage with those that struggle with trauma and brokenness and drug and alcohol addiction, like that became the path and the avenue that I started to travel down on, um, And the crazy thing is I'll tell my story and people will be like, Oh, I'm so sorry that all happened to you like bro. I'm not. I'm actually grateful for being molested. I'm grateful for being beaten. I'm grateful for surviving a suicide attempt, breaking my back, having to learn how to walk again, getting off of drugs and alcohol. I'm grateful for my addiction. I'm grateful for all of it because now I get to have these conversations and I get to talk about the power of Jesus, right? Like, yeah. Like that's what it is. And so, you know, God has He has put on my heart That he has created me to go into my community and be the bridge between addiction and recovery and Christianity in the church because there's a huge disconnect brother so he has called me out through my ministry through what we do to be a You know that bridge to draw people closer to Christ and to show the church. This is how we should be treating these individuals Right, and that's where a lot of my ministry comes from.

Omar: 49:12

Hey, man, you know what I was reading your mission statement And, I think part of it says something about removing the stigma and the shame, right? Because there's like a shame because, one of the ministries you have is, the, recovery rebels

Rob: 49:26

and magic. So that's our softball team. So what happened, bro, is, a, a. Has kind of been, or the 12 steps has kind of been the front runner for recovery for a really long time. And unfortunately, and this is not all AA or 12 step groups, but a majority they're conditioned to believe that their way is the only way into recovery. And, that's far from the truth because I know it for a fact, bro. Um, and through all my education and certification, like, it isn't the only way. Right? It isn't the only way. And what was happening was, is that, if you were in recovery, some cor And, and here's the thing, recovery, you know this, with the life you lived. Recovery is deeper than drug and alcohol addiction. The drug and alcohol addiction was the self medication part of the bruising and the beating and the trauma and the pain, right? Like that's like trauma and abuse was my gateway drug to drugs and alcohol. With that being said, there was nothing for people in recovery outside of AA. And na and nea bro, and and i'm like we gotta we gotta change the game Like we have to switch the game. Cause because I know there's many folks walking in the recovery and they can't talk about it. And, and the problem is too, is when you say you're in recovery or, you know, I'm an alcoholic or an addict, which those are titles I refuse to use because I've been set free. I don't stay attached to any of that. I never had a disease. I was a sinner. I was living in the flesh, right? I wasn't handing things over to God. That's my position. You know, it's like. We need to create an environment where all walks of recovery are recognized and can come together and play the sport of softball together because that's what we were doing. We're playing ball. We were playing softball and you know, if you weren't in a 12 step program and you were in recovery, you weren't welcoming that. And so it's like, man, we need to create something. We need to create something where it says like, bro, and I'm not dogging out a, you know, I'm just like, We got AARs on my team, and, and AARs, and like, we have people that have attempted suicide, we have people that have been through a lot of trauma, like post traumatic stress disorder, like, you know, their brother got murdered right in front of them, like, that kind of trauma, like, let's focus on that recovery, and let's focus on a community of individuals that say, hey, I get it, And let's take the stigma out of certain, like while I'm an alcoholic, there's a stigma with that, you know, and that's why I don't stay attached to it, right? I think that part of the whole 12 step concept has perpetuated the stigma because of the verbiage that is used, right? And I think when people like, Oh, you know, you're an alcoholic, well, there's a stigma that comes along and, and,

Omar: 52:22

and part of that is that they have to confess it like every day. Like, Oh, I'm an alcoholic. And yeah, it's like, but I'm not going to

Rob: 52:29

speak that into my life. Like, why would I speak that? Like, I'm free. I'm set free. I got delivered. I'm healed in Jesus name bro. Like, The thing I'm not gonna and I know plenty of believers and Christians that are in those programs and you know, I mean, honestly, I disagree like I disagree, but that's your journey. That's your mission. That's for you to figure out like, but as far as I'm concerned, man, I never had a disease, bro. I

Omar: 52:53

think the only disease we all have is like sinners, right? Is that sin nature, you know, that

Rob: 52:57

is, that is the disease. Here's the thing, when you say, well, I have a disease, you know, here's the funny thing about all that, like, even though I, even before I knew Christ, when I was getting in all those legal, on the legal troubles, and I would have to go to AA courses and NA courses and all this stuff, like, I never believed in any of that vernacular. I just, I was like, why would someone want to stay attached to that? Because what that did for me, with that group of people. Was like, well, you know, I'm just going to go drink anyway, cause I got a disease, bro. You know what I'm saying? Like, there's a lack of accountability for me. Like, bro, I'm just going to pawn it off on my disease. Oh, it runs in the family. I'm just going to go do it. Like, I'm a chain breaker, bro. You know, we, we, we slaughter some generational curses. That's what we do, man. Definitely. You

Omar: 53:46

know? You know what, if, if I could share real quick. When I got saved, I got delivered, man. I've been clean for 18 years now. Uh, as far as alcohol and drugs without, you don't know, you mentioned freedom and deliverance, you know? Yeah.

Rob: 54:01

Well, it was, you know, my, my, my freedom and deliverance came through true repentance of the heart. And like, so I know that is to me, it's the ultimate path to recovery, man, to have a relationship with Christ like that, and to be free from all these tags and titles and, you know, identity markers and all that stuff. But at the same time, I have enough grace. And compassion for those like, I just want to meet you where you're at, man. And, you know, and if my truth is the ultimate truth, let my true shine through. And hopefully it's attractive enough because I'm delivering it in such a way that it opens up your heart. To want to start walking in that truth as well. I'm not going to Bible thump you. I'm not going to, you know, I'll talk about Jesus all day, bro. You know, but I'm not going to, I'm not going to Bible thump you. And I'm not going to force you to believe what I believe. You know, even with our recovery rebel softball, what's so beautiful about it is that at the end of every game, like we pull the other team and we go to the mound, we pray in Jesus name, man. Because I think that that's where. You know, you can start planting some seeds for these individuals. Like we've all heard the name of Jesus on some level, no matter where you are, like what religion you are, like you accept him, you don't, but you know, he's real. Like you can't deny the fact That he is real. Right. And, for a lot of those people that are in recovery or are struggling or are in our community, You know, they've been rejected by the church, you know what i'm saying? Like the church has come into come and sit in our pew and let's a lot of people just aren't gonna go there no more Bro, like they've been hurt by the church, bro. I have a church hurt story I was groomed by a worship pastor in a mega church in san jose, california The dude brought me into his house, tried to sexually assault me for a couple of months, knowing I had nowhere to go. The church itself was paying his bills, buying him homes. He was the worship pastor, bro. Like, how insane is that? Those are true stories. He not only tried to groom me, but he tried to groom a couple other brothers. And having conversations with those brothers today, they walked away from God because of those experiences. Now, for me Because a lot of my experiences were too real. I couldn't shake God. I never put that on God. I never put the church on God. I never put man's behavior on God, you know, that's not Jesus, bro That's never been Jesus, but doesn't mean that doesn't happen to other people And so when I look into my community these softball players are struggling with drugs and alcohol or you know They're trying to use softball as an outlet Right, and they're bringing their junk to the game. A lot of them. Yeah, but like you're bringing something different to the table You know I'm saying and I know that a lot of them won't step into the church Because of similar experiences that I've had that they may have had that they don't talk about having. Yeah, let's change Let's change the game, right? Well, let's you know, Matthew 28 go out and make disciples God isn't calling me to go listen to a pastor in a church and I'm not saying that's a bad thing to do You know He called me to go out into my community and to be a light for him. That's what he called me to do. I don't need to be in the church. I am the church, bro. And I'm taking the church to the softball field. I'm taking it to my community. That's the heart that he put inside of me to go do, man, because I believe in the power, um, of his healing and his love. Know what I'm saying, and I just wanna share that with other people, bro.

Omar: 57:26

Amen. Amen. It sounds like you're already doing that. Like I said, I've, I've seen some, some of the stuff you're doing out there, and you know, what if, if I could ask you a question, I know you mentioned earlier that alcohol drugs is like a spiritual component to it. I was watching a podcast. You did you want to talk about the definitions? I know you mentioned, uh, alcohol was, was, uh, yeah. Constantly alcohol. It was, uh, two words. You mentioned alcohol, ikea. Yeah, go ahead. Go back.

Rob: 57:50

And alcohol. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. Thank you brother. I appreciate you. Alcohol comes from the Arabic word al Cool. Which means flesh eating spirit or body eating spirit. pharmacy farm, ikea, which you'll find in the book of Revelation, right? It, its definition. So pharmacy is witchcraft and sorcery, right? So. I remember my second week I went to AA and they had me share my story and you know, I was sharing with them because again, I was delivered. I wasn't buying the whole, I'm an alcoholic, I have a disease thing, but I was given an opportunity to share. And I said this, I consciously knew what I was doing all the time. I knew when I put that bottle to my lips, I knew what I was trying to achieve at the end of that, right? Here's the sad thing. For a few years, I knew what alcohol I knew what its definition of meaning was, and I knew what drugs or pharmacy or pharma chia, I knew what the definition was. I said I was basically, openly, inviting, knowingly, inviting other spirits into my body to consume me, instead of allowing the Holy Spirit to do its work, or his work, right? And I'm telling you, it shut down that meeting, bro. Like, they had never heard. Anything like that, you know, because then that changes everything that changes perspective, like this alcohol thing is a spiritual thing. I can drive down the street in Colorado Springs and I can see a building that says spirits. And what do they have in there? It's liquor, bro. It's alcohol. You know what I'm saying? It's, it's right there. The devil's looking you in your face, telling you like, this is what I am. Go ahead, partake. And we do it. You know what I'm saying? Every crime. Every violent crime, every act, every drunk, you know, drinking and driving, frash car, everything I never got caught for, right? God's grace, bro. drug or alcohol induced. Because a sober rob, even when he wasn't walking with the Lord, was a lot more mindful about his decisions. Right? The difference being is before I was with the Lord, I just didn't want to get in trouble. Now that I walk with the Lord, it's like, I just want to honor you. Yeah. There's a big difference, right? So, yeah. it's, it's, Alcohol and drugs is very spiritual. And I know that for some people, You know, you've been through so much, There's certain drugs that you have to take and stuff like that. But it's really Why you're using it. Like, what, what is your why? Like, this is what I realized when I was taking pain medication. Cause I had five different pain medications at one time. The one I liked the most, was the one that made me feel the way I wanted to feel. The one that I was addicted to was the one that made me feel the way I wanted to feel. Bro, I, I, I had Oxycontins, like 60s or something. They were insane, bro, whatever they were. And I wasn't addicted to them, even though they were supposed to be highly addictive. I wasn't addicted to them because I wasn't achieving the high that I wanted from it. But Percocet, on the other hand, Love percocet bro, because I got that buzz and that high that I wanted that disconnected me from reality Yeah,

Omar: 1:01:13

you know what, when I heard you mentioned that about uh, Pharmacia and it being like witchcraft and sorcery sorcery is is crazy because I told you earlier, you know We're talking about very low that I had surgery. On my arm, So obviously, you know, they give me a morphine during the surgery. So I came off, they give you some more right before you leave the hospital. So I went home with some, they gave me a prescription for, oxycodone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they gave me that. So I got a surgery, uh, Tuesday. So I come home with the morphine. They gave me the Oxy. I took the Oxy on Tuesday. And then Wednesday and Wednesday night, man, no lie. I was laying down to go to sleep and I closed my eyes and I just started seeing like some dark images, man. Like I, I told my wife, I tapped her. I said, man, babe, pray for me. And she prayed for me. And, uh, so the last time I took, uh, oxy was the day after my surgery. And then this was my prayer. I said, God. Either, take away the pain or increase my pain tolerance. That's what I asked him for. And man, I was only on that for that one day. And I think the following the day after that I took Tylenol once and that was it. And I was just with an ice pack and I didn't take no more medicine, man. And I believe the Lord answered my prayer because that started messing with my mind because years, uh, the same injury, I had it on my left hand, like five years previously. And I was on the pain meds for three days and no lie, I shared with a few people that after three days of being on those pain medicine, I forget what, what the medication was back then. But it's usually

Rob: 1:02:49

Vicodin is usually the go to for a lot of stuff. So

Omar: 1:02:52

after the third day, man, I started having suicidal thoughts. And I told my wife, I'm like, man, I had to get off of it, man. So this time I like, man, I don't even want to play with it because I know what it does to me, you know?

Rob: 1:03:04

Well, bro, you want to hear something like this is. This is deep bro, this is real deep and um, I mean if you want to cut it out of the podcast you can I remember one time I took a bunch of trazodone Just to do it man. I'm like i'm gonna take trazodone and go to sleep bro. I took the trazodone and all of a sudden like My body was stuck. It was stuck and I had this dream of a demon over me Raping me Laughing at me bro. I got you. I got you I mean bro, it was I was I was so scared bro, and I realized You know Just taking this stuff recreational Like what it's doing and and the crazy thing is is that's before I even started a relationship with the lord here's the thing like I believe god's been with me the whole time bro. I truly do. Um going back to Being five years old and him, you know, hey god's my father, right? But like I feel very protected because I had bro some of the spiritual experiences that i've had being pinned down to the bed while an entity was whispering Satan in my ear, Satan, Satan, Satan, like, bro, like I've had the craziest, the things that I've seen in the spirit. With these almost human like figures with these crazy nose and stuff like that. Before I knew the Lord, we were out in San Francisco, man, and I remember I was drinking a little bit of liquor at the end. I looked over at the dance floor and I saw this young lady. And like basically a demon, her face with a demon was snakes. And this is before I was riding with the Lord, man. Like it was almost that I was giving like tastes of what the demonic look like, man. And so for me in this day, I understand. To a pretty decent degree, you know, spiritual warfare and how real it really is, man. And we can access those doorways through drugs and alcohol. And then you have like all these modalities of therapy that you have to be really careful about because people will say it's healing. But a lot of times what you're doing is you're opening up doors and the enemy, the devil, they can tell you the truth. They can give you some answers, right? Because they want you to trust them and they want you to keep leaning into the drug You know, it's so deceptive. It's it's it's a lie So, you know, I think when we're talking about people using pharmaceutical drugs, you know, you have to ask why like am I doing this? To really help this pain or this issue, or am I trying to mask something, bro, you know, and, and I think, uh, that's a good place to start is start asking yourself, why do I really need this? You know,

Omar: 1:06:04

you, know, what, what one word that, that you bring up a lot, is shame. Like, uh, I've never looked at like shame being a big deal, like, as a man, like, like I'm struggling with shame, like it was never part of my vocabulary or my thoughts. It's not so until recently, uh, my wife's been doing some, some biblical counseling. So that's a word that has, has come up a lot. so, so I guess the question is, uh, what is shame and how does it manifest in a man's life? Like how, how can somebody pinpoint that? That's maybe like a root cause of a lot of the reasons why they go to drugs. You know, I

Rob: 1:06:39

think that for most of us, the root to a lot of our, our brokenness is rejection, fear, and shame. You know, when I was told that my dad wasn't my real dad, like. Where's my real dad? Like he doesn't love me and I live in shame my dad Rejection like the fear of life just came out like Um, you know when men they are shameful about their porn addiction, bro we You and I grew up in a generation where men were like, suck it up, buttercup. Like, you know, you want something to cry about? I'll give you something to cry about, you know, like shame. You weren't allowed to express that started to create shame. Right. The fact that said, like when someone's like. I'm struggling with drugs and alcohol. I'm struggling with porn. People are afraid to be judged, which creates this shame, which now those secrets start to manifest and grow inside of you, right? creating you to run for the bottle, to run the drugs, to continue with porn, like, it's just so self defeating, bro. And, for me, Reflecting on my life and the amount of shame that I had for all the choices that I made, for all the things that had happened to me that I thought I deserved, right, but I didn't deserve. And I think when I'm talking about, you know, in the softball and exposing the shame part with drug and alcohol addiction, that's part of the stigma. That shame comes with the stigma. Well, there's something wrong with you, right? There's something wrong with you. And the reality is, is that we all have. Weaknesses and flaws and it doesn't mean we, we can't break free and grow and love ourselves still, you know, and that's something that God has shown me. Like I don't, I can live a shame free life. You know what I'm saying? And so, you know, the shame is the false accusations from the enemy and the enemy will use your own mind. We'll use media. We'll use your family, to shame you to make you feel like you're not good enough. Those are all lies man, you know, I think there's a power in belief like our power Our belief in jesus is so strong. It really opens up the door for wonderful things and i'll go back to the aa analogy and again if anyone's in aa or na like This is not like me belittling and bashing down. This is where I struggle with a lot of it because You have to be careful of what you believe about yourself. Um, if you believe you have a disease, then you have a disease. If you believe you're an alcoholic or an addict, then you're an alcoholic or an addict, right? If you believe that you'll never be in a healthy marriage, well, all that stuff is going to come to pass, right? And those beliefs come from those, those roots of rejection. Shame and fear, right? You know what, I've got to be careful what you believe about yourself. Yeah. Yeah. So I believe what God says about me, right? Yeah. You know, that's why I choose to believe.

Omar: 1:09:58

Gotcha. Now, for any person out there that just basically listen to the the description of what you mentioned, the fear, shame and all that, a rejection, what's a first step that they could take? Maybe going back to the original thing you said, too, about maybe they got some Uh, church hurt, maybe they're not going to step foot in the church. What's, what's our first step for them to try to find healing, to try to get in, you know, to try to, well, forgiveness,

Rob: 1:10:23

right? So forgiveness. So, you know, a lot of us come from broken homes. Most of us, like men, that I connect with that, Oh, I had a great childhood. the illusion of a great childhood, just because you had nice things and all that stuff went on vacation. But like, when you start to find out how. Your parents treated you and the things that had happened to you and you just kind of put it on the back burner, bro The one thing I think where healing starts is acknowledging that you may have been faced and confronted with like fear shame and rejection and I need to know where it comes from because that stuff grows and it impacts the rest of your life and especially in relationships man, and so You know, where in my life can I look down at my mom and my dad? Um, because a lot of us come from broken homes, like where can I provide some forgiveness? Where, where, where was I? I felt like, well, mom and dad got divorced. You know, dad moved out here. I did. I barely got to see him like there's abandonment and rejection there, bro. Like You know, how can I start looking at the roots that the devil tried to plan in, in me, and how do I start to break free from those. And I think, first of all, it's recognizing that it happened to you, but also not trying to put blame on anybody else. Like, You know, mom and dad got passed down some stuff, which got passed down to you a lot through, you know, generational curses or, you know, learn behavior, whatever was modeled to them was now modeled to you. And, um. You got to forgive. I think forgiveness is going to be the root of all that healing and recognizing. And I know that there's a lot of lists. Well, I could never forgive my mom. Like I just had this conversation with some dude, you know, about, Oh, I can never forgive my mom. And I'm like, why don't you tell me a little bit about your mom's background, where she came from, what she went through, bro. And he's sitting there unleashing it. And I'm like, really think about that, man. Now think about how, you know, that made her feel. And then, you know, she turned that on you. Like, I mean, I'm not saying what she did is okay, man, but like, look at that. Like, don't you feel bad for your mom? Don't you feel bad that she had to go through all this? Like, let's take this off of you for a moment and start looking at other people, right? the problem is, is that too much, we get into ourself too much, you know? And even now to this day, I can be guilty of like focusing too much on my own stuff. You know what I'm saying? But like, you got to start looking at the people around you as well. And that's where compassion comes from, right? That's where empathy comes from. you know, just understanding that bad things happen to really good people. And, you know, and then people develop walls and behaviors and patterns in this life. And then it falls on us. But here's the thing. If you're listening right now. The reason you're listening is because you've been called to break those chains of rejection and abuse and neglect, right? Fear, all those, all those that have been hunkering you down, preventing you from being free in your heart, being able to love the way that you want to love and be loved. Like, you have the power to break free. You know, and you have a God that loves you. And a Savior that died for you. It's your time. It's your time to break free and give something different to your family. Raise your children, with a parent that, that you needed. You know what I'm saying? I tell people all the time that my ceiling in this life will be my kids dance floor. Right? My kid will have their own pains and struggles and they'll have to learn some things and they're going to make their mistakes. But you know what they won't have to see? They won't have to see dad beating mom, degrading mom won't see me do it on blow, you know, popping pills, getting drunk. They don't have to see any of that's a huge step forward for the next generation. They see how dad treats mom. They, they see the power of marriage. They see the power of bringing God into the house and into the relationship. Like you have the ability to make those changes, you know what I'm saying? And raise the next generation different so that they're generally like. Stop being about self and start thinking about the next generation and, and your, your kids living a better quality life than, than you ever had. You know what I'm saying? Yeah,

Omar: 1:14:40

definitely, man. You know what? I'm, I'm going to read something that you said in one of the podcasts that I was listening to and I wrote it down. Yeah. Yeah. You know, this is what you said. You said, um, Being an alcoholic and drug addict is hard. Becoming a new man is hard. But just being the same is really hard too. You gotta pick your hard. What does that mean?

Rob: 1:15:06

Everything we, everything that we do is gonna challenge us. You know, being an alcoholic and addict wasn't easy, right? It didn't, it didn't feel good. Most of the times I was chasing the high, chasing the drunk, everything revolved around, that was hard. That was a hard life to live, man. It, it, it beat me down. It taxed me. I compromised myself. I got into really bad relationships. I mean, that's hard. But also being righteous and starting to die to self and starting to live and in a holier way, like that's hard to you're you're actually going against the grain of what's been provided for you, through being raised and and what we see on a day to day, in life, right? what was hard was not walking. What was hard was being in a lot of pain. what was hard was getting out of bed. What was hard was getting into the gym. What was hard was working out. Like, here I am now with, you know, all these rods and bolts and screws and all through my body, right? It was hard to get where I'm at today. but it's plentiful. You know what I'm saying? it's also hard to sit on the couch and pop pills and watch Maury Povich all day too. I mean, it's to live in that slumber is hard as well. You got to pick your hard. Like, and I choose the hard of, I want my life to be the best possible. I want to squeeze every ounce of, of goodness out of this life that I can and not bask in because being a victim is hard, right? and that's where a lot of us sit. We sit in this victim mind mindset, this victim mentality, right? This self loathing, that's hard, like being, we know being a victim. So we've all been victimized on some level. Everyone, you've been victimized, but we have a decision to make. And that decision is going to be hard. And when you put it into practice, it's going to be hard. and getting out of it. Setting up boundaries is hard when you never had boundaries, right? Eating well is hard when you never ate well. Working out is hard when you never But like, you know, what do you want out of this life? You know, for me, and I know that you see my videos, and I know you like, like all my stuff. I see you, bro. I see you. Me

Omar: 1:17:18

being nosy. Yeah,

Rob: 1:17:20

you're good, bro. No, you're good. I appreciate you. I got you, yeah. But, but what you see in a lot of my stuff is like You see me in the gym at five o'clock in the morning in my freezing garage, right? Inviting my kids in there to go train with my kids. And, you know, it's like, all that's hard being a dad is hard, bro. You know how easy it is just to ignore your kids. I mean, it's hard, but easy. Right. Cause they still talk and, you know, but you know what I'm saying? But like, but being constantly active in my is actually kind of hard. You know, because it requires energy, it requires me to go outside of myself because I think by nature of a lot of us are selfish, right? We have to break through that selfishness to, um, to achieve something much greater for those that are coming after us. You know, you have to have purpose in this life, bro. You have to have something much greater than you. Um, we, we all have purpose. Everyone has purpose, man. And, and, uh, a lot of people will, I just had this conversation. You see all the stuff I do people like I don't even do like a quarter what you do. Well, maybe that's not your purpose That's my purpose. Like that's what I'm supposed to be doing Maybe you just providing for your family and leading by example It's your purpose right showing your kids like this is what we do like We're not over here trying to live off the government. I'm not saying living off the government is horrible. But if you have the ability to go work and, and, and do it, go do it. You know what I'm saying? That's how you give your kids value. Like you don't deserve to be given. Go get it. Work for it. You know, and I'll say with as hard as my dad was, he was a hard, hard man, Marine. Um, like son, if you want something, go get it. Don't expect someone to do it for you. when I was rehabbing my back, bro, I heard my Marine dad all up in my ear the whole time. You know, when I was getting out of bed and so much pain, I could barely walk and I was crying my eyes out, bro. Like go get it, son. Go put one foot in front of another. Like go get it. I went from dragging my leg to now, you know, I play center field on my softball team. I'm lifting weights every single morning. Like go get it. Go. The only, the only person stopping you is you, right? So choose your hard.

Omar: 1:19:38

Gotcha. Hey, you know what? There was a question that came to my mind, like you were in the hospital and, God told you that, that you were going to walk again, you know, like the, the question that came to my mind, once God told you, Oh, you're going to walk again, what, why not just lay there and wait and wait for God to heal you? Supernaturally. Well, why do the hard? And the reason I asked that, because I believe there's a lot of people. Yeah. That are waiting for God to do it. man, my wife asked me the other day, man, well, what's your word for the year? And I think I told her, I think it's in James of faith without works is dead. Like, I believe that a lot of times, yeah, God, you know, God is God. He could do whatever he wants at any moment, but I believe that there's a lot of times he calls us to do something like to take that step. And then he meets us there. So, so like I said, going back to the question, why not lay in bed? Hey, God's going to heal me. I'm just going to sit here. That's,

Rob: 1:20:30

that's, that's, that's genie Jesus, gospel, right? Here's my, here's my truth. Is that when I jumped out of that window, severed my spine, clashed my lung, broke my arms, I, with 100 percent of my heart, know that the Lord could have prevented all that. He could have let me hit that ground, bounce off of it, you know, walk away with a sprained ankle, bro. Here's the thing, there was nothing to be gained or learned or a relationship with him to be developed, if that happened. He knew what was best for me. When he told me that you will walk again, I knew that I had to put in the work too, though. Like, I, it was, it was in my heart. You know, I think in Jeremiah, it talks about like, his law is in your heart, his, you know, his truth is in your heart, bro. Like, I knew that he wasn't just going to hand it all to me. I knew that there were valuable lessons and a relationship to be built by putting in the work myself. And, and the reality is, is at the time, I didn't want to put in all the work, but I did put in the work. And, What was really hard for me at one time became super easy and then came the next level and then the next level And then before you know it bro, you look back and you're like dang it. I didn't even realize I came that far man You know god wants your faith to be active Like I'm trusting that you're going to show up. My day's not going to stop, though. I'm going to go out and I'm going to do what I need to do, Lord. I mean, I know there are people that I'm just waiting for the Lord to heal me. You know, as they're choking down Cokes and eating McDonald's, like, oh, the Lord's going to heal me. Well, no, the Lord gave you a mind and an ability to research, to eat well, to try to figure it all out, to intermittent fast, right? To drink water, to get sunshine, to get exercise. Like he provided all that too. Yeah. Right. he wants to develop character in you. You know, one of the very first scriptures that ever really screamed to me that gave me the chills was, uh, Romans five, three through six. And there's a part of it. And it talks about, you know, perseverance, character and hope, right? Perseverance, character. Like what he was showing me that this road back. Was going to take some time, perseverance, because I'm trying to build character in you and because of that character that I'm going to build in you, it's going to give you an undeniable hope, you know, and that hope never fails, bro. That hope will never fail. But there was a process that had to take place and that, and that perseverance isn't you being stagnant. It's about you activating your faith and building your faith off of that. Here's the thing. God could easily fix your situation, but will it really deepen your faith? We'll really transform you. Will it change you? That's good. Probably not. At first you'd be like, praise God, praise God. And then you'll go back to your old ways. You know what I'm saying?

Omar: 1:23:35

Amen. Amen, brother. Man, you know what, man, I've had you on here for a while, man. I don't want to, you know, keep you too much longer, but I've been enjoying this conversation, man. It's been. It's been good and i'm sure a lot of people are going to be blessed by this Uh, you know what a quick question. I know uh, you had mentioned that you were working on a book I don't know if you you finished it. Oh, yeah, but I know you mentioned the title if you want to say say the title And then what would you I

Rob: 1:23:56

forget what? You are the man, bro so, Crazy story about the book. We wrote the book structured the book. I went through it one last time My original author, or my original writer, because I'm not a writer, I had to bring in a writer to help me. He basically took all my stories, and he took me out of my story. Um, I would read the story, and it wasn't me talking, or me committing that act, like, He wanted to portray me in a certain manner, kinda like, it just, So when I finished the book, with my second, my editor, She said, You know, we're, we're done with this thing, right? And, uh, she's like, if there's anything you want to change, let me know because from here on out. And it was 24 chapters and I wanted to change every single chapter, bro. Because it just wasn't me. And so, I will have a book. And, my hope and prayer is that everything starts to fall in place. around my birthday in May. God knows, God has perfect timing and all these things. Um, but the name of the book is called God's Awning. And I remember one day I was sitting there and the Lord's like, You're gonna write a book. There's gonna be a book about, you know. I'm like, okay, you know, okay, Lord. Well, what are we gonna call that book? And I hear God's Awning. I'm like, well, that's catchy, God's Awning. Like, I, a couple weeks go by, man. And, uh, all of a sudden, like out of nowhere, I just hear, Look up Awning. So I, you know, I have my cell phone in my hand. I Google awning. And I see the word protection, God's protection, me clipping that awning that night that changed my fall was God's protection over my life. Amen, bro. And I'm telling you, I got chills. It when that happened.

Omar: 1:25:53

I, I, I know when, when I heard that part, I was like, man, here you are falling out from a third story building and then your leg clips that awning and Yeah. I'm sure it had to slow you down or change though, you know, like the momentum, you know, it changed my fall.

Rob: 1:26:05

Yeah. Because I superman out that window. Like I super, I mean, I had one intention I was gonna head dive and I was gonna snap my game over. Right. But my foot clipped that awning. Yeah. So, yeah, because it changed everything for me. Yeah. And I'm grateful for that. And, um. You know, it's crazy, bro. Like the book thing keeps popping up like lately over the last two months. You're probably like the seventh person. I don't know. We're thinking about it. So that's God working. Hey, it

Omar: 1:26:31

says seven is a number of completion, man. So I'm sure it's coming soon then.

Rob: 1:26:35

Right. Right. Because so I just need one more for new beginnings. Right. Need a new beginning. So yeah, man, it's, it's, it's going to come soon. And, um, You know, I know that that book along with these stories that I get to share, like those stories are in the book. And, the way that we've created the book was, you know, I tell part of my story, I line up scripture or a biblical story with it. And then there's an application piece where it's like, I want Omar to come in and relate to that story to really think about when was the time in my life that this happened, because I guarantee you with everything that's happened in my life. You know, most people can relate from 20 to 100 percent of it, you know what I'm saying? Um, and that, or they know somebody, right? So, yeah, man, thank you for bringing up the man,

Omar: 1:27:25

the man, no problem. Hey, Rob, you, you want to share our social media, or if you've got a website, you know, all that

Rob: 1:27:32

Rise As Lions org, is my website and, and you can go on and, all of Teams are sponsored or we, you know, we take donations for all that stuff so that we can provide for our community and for our softball teams, which I need to talk you into creating a rise of lines, recovery, rebel softball team out there in Chicago, bro. Okay. You

Omar: 1:27:54

know what? Uh, like actually the, the church I'm part of out here is called new life community church and they have a, like a league, like in the, in the summer. So every, uh, every summer they get, cause a new life got like 26 locations throughout the city over here in suburbs.

Rob: 1:28:09

So the first new life is here in Colorado spring. Okay. We have the original new life. Okay.

Omar: 1:28:16

No, that's cool. Yeah, but they, they use that in the same way, uh, like out outreach. Yeah. So they, they, they use it to reach, you know, like the uns unsafe, those that might, might not go, go to go to a church, but they'll Yeah. Wanna go on the softball field, you know? Yeah.

Rob: 1:28:29

Well, so our, our goal is not to make it church, right? Because we don't want people to see all that's another church. Like, nah man, those are those guys. And those women are from all different walks of recovery. They all have unique stories and like, yo, they're doing it. You know what I'm saying? Like, we just put a little on it, you know what I'm saying? Right, right. Um, but we, I'm going to work on you, bro. Okay.

Omar: 1:28:50

Yeah. You know what? I don't know if I could walk around Chicago with that logo you got on your sweater, you know, yeah. And all that with the lion, all that, yo, might get me in a little bit of trouble, you know, but we'll, we'll see what we can do.

Rob: 1:29:03

We can just stick with the Recovery Rebels. Right, right.

Omar: 1:29:06

Oh, and you know what? Yeah, yo, yo. That was like another thing I heard you talk about. Like DMX and where you got that idea from. That's pretty deep

Rob: 1:29:13

too. Yo, yo. Yeah, the Recovery Rebels actually came alive when DMX passed away. And, you know, he was part of the Rough Riders. And I'm like Okay, Rough Riders, Recovery Rebels, that's kind of cool, and, and Lecrae, when I first came to Christ, I was trying to swap over my rap music, and Lecrae was one of the first albums I ever listened to, and he had a song called Rebel, he would talk about how Jesus was counter culture, he went against the culture. And for me, like, I'm like, well, that's perfect. We're rebels. We're going against the culture. We're going against the stigma, you know, of all this stuff, man, we want to be different. We want to be set apart from everybody. You know, we're the church, but we don't want to be the church. We're in recovery, but we're not this brand of recovery, right? So we want to rebel, you know, in a good way, of course. Um, I mean, I wouldn't outright call Jesus Christ a rebel, but I understood the concept of him being a rebel to his culture at that time. And that's where recovery rebels, Yeah. All came from So you could rock the A bro, right? Right. Um, Rob Decker. Rob Decker is Facebook, and then Decker Rob will be Instagram. And then also, uh, Rise As Lions on Instagram too.

Omar: 1:30:21

So. Amen. Amen, brother. Thanks for sure stuff, bro. Alright. A any, any final words, brother? And then if you could close us out in prayer when, when, when you're done, you know?

Rob: 1:30:31

Yeah. You know, I, um. I just really encourage those that are hiding behind shame and fear to have the courage to, um, say that you're going to do something about it, right? Um, that you don't want to live there anymore. You don't want to live in that place anymore. Because you know, uh, the pain and the detriment that it brings you. I always offer this too, is that Because you don't know me. A lot of times it's hard to go to your church. It's hard to go to your family. It's hard to go to your inner circle because of the fear of judgment and shame, right? I'm a phone call, an email, a text away. you know, if you need someone that you don't know, but you know has been through it to connect with, to get you going on that journey, I'm here. So, you know, I want to, I want to leave you with that. Father God, we just come before you. Before your throne and all your mighty and all your majesty. Thank you. We're coming in on this conversation this evening Thank you for this brother. Thank you for the messages that he is Sending all over the world your gospel is spreading through testimonies like this Thank you for using omar Thank you for delivering that man from all that you you have because I know his story lord father god Thank you, because You're creating these platforms to engage with the people, to let them know that you are there, that you are alive, that you are real, that you are healing, Lord, Father, God. So continue to use podcasts, whatever media, whatever it is, Lord, Father, God. Keep raising up soldiers in your kingdom. Keep bringing up men, breaking the chains of their sin and their iniquity, Lord, Father, God, so that they can go out and they can raise up men to be godly men. Worldly men to be godly men, Lord, Father, God, we ask for healing for any of those that are listening right now that are really moved by this because they see you working in it. We as men cannot take credit for the work that you do, Lord, Father, God, we are just vessels and we are grateful vessels, Lord. So, Lord. I pray over Omar's family, I pray over his ministry, I pray over this podcast, Lord, Father, God, and continue to raise us up, transform our hearts, refine us, Lord, Father, God, even if it's painful, we'll take that kind of pain, um, because that's the kind of heart we want, Lord, Father, God, we want the godly heart. Lord, um, continue to soften our hearts, but harness, um, to go out into this world and to draw people towards you. We love you, Lord. In Jesus name, we pray. Amen.

Omar: 1:33:06

Amen. Amen. In Jesus name. Amen. Brother, thank you very much for your time, man. I had you on here, man, hour and a half plus, man, but, uh, man, thank you for your time. It's been a blessing. And like I said, I know, I know many people are going to be blessed by this, but I'll definitely put all, all the links, you know, once I release the podcast, there'll be like in the show notes. So the guys, you know, guys or women, whoever listens to this, they could click on there, be able to, to reach out to you. Cause I know sometimes it's easier to reach out to, to a stranger, you know, than to reach to somebody that's close to, you know, so, so thanks for that brother. And with that, we're going to get ready to sign off. Um, I would, I want to thank my brother Rob Decker for joining us. Um, Matthew four 16 reads the people who sat in darkness have seen a great light and upon those who sat in the region and shadow of death. Light has dawned. Along my name is Omar Calvillo. We are Wrong to

Rob: 1:34:03

Strong.